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Saturday, August 7, 2010

How to Sing The Blues

  • Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning."
  • "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as "I got a good woman-with the meanest dog in town."
  • Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds."
  • The blues are not about limitless choices.
  • Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
  • Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
  • You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
  • The following colors do not belong in the blues:
    • violet
    • beige
    • mauve
    • taupe
    • peach
  • You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.
  • Good places for the Blues:
    • the highway
    • the jail house
    • an empty bed
  • Bad places for the Blues:
    • K mart
    • Gallery openings
    • weekends in the Hamptons
  • No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
  • Do you have the right to sing the blues?
    • Yes, if:
    • your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
    • you're blind
    • you shot a man in Memphis
    • you can't be satisfied.
      No, if:
    • you were once blind but now can see
    • you're deaf
    • you have a trust fund
  • Julio Iglesias, Barbara Streisand, and Michael Bolton can never sing the blues. Ever. Ever.
  • If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
    • malt liquor
    • Irish whiskey
    • muddy water
    • one bourbon, one scotch and one beer
  • Blues beverages are NOT:
    • Any mixed drink
    • Any kosher Passover wine
    • Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
  • If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a lightning strike while on the phone to the Psychic Friends Network.
  • Some Blues names for Women:
    • Sadie
    • Big Mama
    • Bessie
    • Ida Red
  • Some Blues Names for Men:
    • Joe
    • Willie
    • Junior
    • Lightning
  • Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
  • Other Blues Names: (A Mix and Match Starter Kit)
    • Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Crippled, Asthmatic)
    • First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)
    • Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Now you're ready to sing the blues!

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