Now you're ready to sing the blues!
- Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning."
- "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as "I got a good woman-with the meanest dog in town."
- Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds."
- The blues are not about limitless choices.
- Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
- Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
- You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
- The following colors do not belong in the blues:
- You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.
- Good places for the Blues:
- the highway
- the jail house
- an empty bed
- Bad places for the Blues:
- K mart
- Gallery openings
- weekends in the Hamptons
- No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
- Do you have the right to sing the blues?
- your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
- you're blind
- you shot a man in Memphis
- you can't be satisfied.
- you were once blind but now can see
- you're deaf
- you have a trust fund
- Julio Iglesias, Barbara Streisand, and Michael Bolton can never sing the blues. Ever. Ever.
- If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
- malt liquor
- Irish whiskey
- muddy water
- one bourbon, one scotch and one beer
- Blues beverages are NOT:
- Any mixed drink
- Any kosher Passover wine
- Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
- If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a lightning strike while on the phone to the Psychic Friends Network.
- Some Blues names for Women:
- Big Mama
- Ida Red
- Some Blues Names for Men:
- Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
- Other Blues Names: (A Mix and Match Starter Kit)
- Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Crippled, Asthmatic)
- First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)
- Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Warning! - This Blog May Contain:
violence, terrible grammar, gratuitous sex, strong odors, seed porn, and possibly improper French
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Posted by Leeanna Henderson at 3:12:00 AM