MY MINIONS

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Count Down To:

Warning! - This Blog May Contain:

violence, terrible grammar, gratuitous sex, strong odors, seed porn, and possibly improper French

Monday, January 31, 2011

Cold Weather

Tomorrow I'll have to bring in my bougainvilleas and other cold sensitive plants. Yeppers, we are set for some really bone chillin cold here in the next week or two. We might even get lucky and see a few snow flurries on Thursday and /or Friday.

Yes, I know. Y'all in the upper East coast are screaming who the fuck cares. Well we do. Mexicans lose their fucking minds when it snows. I just want to see how many schools close when they notice three flurries and where. It should be fun in San Antonio.

Falling Snow B Pictures, Images and PhotosTwo years ago we had snow falling in West Bexar county. *Uh Bexar is pronounced bear the x is silent ... yeah go figure. The stuff was coming down hard west of San Antonio and schools started to close. This was in the afternoon mind you. It was melting and they still called it off.

It was total anarchy, dogs and cats living together(Ghostbusters). Yep the world was coming to an end. A friend at the local HEB(grocery store) here in town said there was a run on soups and bread and crackers. like they were going to be snowed in for days. Like I said, they lose their fucking minds.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I Think I Won, Again

Ahhh yes. The wonderful, magical life of the married Texas Witch. Yes, not a day goes by that isn't fully entertaining.



David: * rummaging around the wall key holder*
head scratch Pictures, Images and PhotosMe: *reading emails on Little Hal in the living room, not looking up I say* "What's up babe? Whatcha need?"
David: "Nothing." *looking worried, still rummaging*
Me: "Well obviously something is wrong. Whatcha lookin for?"
David: *stops rummaging* "Well if you must know, I locked my keys in the truck after I cleaned out the glove compartment.
Me: *not fazed by this* "Did you remember to put a new pad and two new pens in there?"
David: *checking his wallet* "No"
Me: "Well you better do it. Remember the accident? Nobody had pens or paper."
David:  "Do you have my other key to the truck?"
Me: "Nope. I thought it was on your desk." *smiling*
David: *coming from the media room, goes outside, comes back in jingling keys*
Me: "You got the keys?" *not looking up from my Freecell game, but I have a smug look on my face**
David: "Yep. You tell me. What would you do if you were stuck out on some lonely road and you accidentally locked the keys in your car and I was at work."
Me: *smiling, I say without missing a beat* "I'd call you at work and ask you to go get the extra set of my keys hanging in the kitchen and bring them to me out on said lonely road ... dear"
Me: * still smiling* "Anything else?"
David: "NO!" *trudges off to the media room to watch some sport on TV*

I guess I won... again.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Just A Stupid Update

I just got back from running errands this morning.I went to the tax office to get my hubby/plaything's new licence tags and plates for his truck, mailed four packages and bought stamps at the post office and dabbled in the gardening center at Home Desperate Depot, all in under two hours time.

Amazing, I know. I thought I'd be stuck in line at Home Depot all morning long but I got out in under one hour and 15 minutes tops. What's really cool is that I need to grab David tomorrow and go back and get some bags of potting soil and seeds. While he's drooling over the power tools, I'll load up on gardening goodies. Then I'll go collect him when I'm ready to go. Just like those moms that leave their kids at the toy sections and shop.

I finally got the puppies their bath yesterday afternoon. They were not happy campers and neither was my back. I can't wait for the weather to start hitting the high 80's so I can wash them outside on the patio table. It's one of those rod iron tables with the hole pattern on the tabletop. It's a heavy sturdy mother so it won't tip over.

But they got their bath and then I fed them their dinner and they fell asleep around 6pm. They're just like kids. Clean em up, fill em up and they pass out... just like mommy. Yeppers, I passed out around 7pm and woke up at 7am with three snoring puppies at the foot of the bed. I thought I went to sleep with my hubby/plaything.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Crazy Witch's Daybook

  • Outside my window I'm watching the cats across the street taking a sun tan on the roof of my neighbors car. YES!!! It's fucking 78 degrees outside. Aahahahahahhahahaaa  and I have all the windows in my house wide open. Eat your hearts out Northeast Coast.
  • I am thinking that in an hour I'm going to start the dog blankets in the washer. As soon as the linens are finished.
  • I'm thankful that I live in south Texas. ahahahhahaaa You poor saps up north.
  • In the kitchen I'm going to make peas and rice and BBQ'ed chicken on the grill.
  • I'm wearing my "go to hell" mumu when I don't feel like getting dressed.
  • I'm going to be giving three little stanky puppies a bath as soon as their blankets are in the dryer.
  • I'm reading Henry VIII by Alison Weir It's pretty good.
  • I'm hoping the puppies don't give me to much trouble when I have to drown give them their bath.
  • I'm hearing them whine as they try to talk me out of their bath time. They think that if they bring me their toys I'll forget about the bath.
  • A few plans for the rest of the week...how to win back the trust of three scared, cute, clean little puppies. Damn you David!!! You are supposed to be doing this. Now they're gonna hate mommy for trying to drown them.

Picture of what's going on right now

Lucy lying on my mumu trying to look all cute and frail

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

How To Tell If You Have A Witch

My brother will call me and we can talk for hours. But accidentally mention one line from Monty Python's Holy Grail and it turns into another two hour fiasco of scene after scene that we will recite and act out over the phone. This is our favorite one besides the " Bring Out Your Dead " scene.


Monty Python and the Hole Grail - She's A Witch!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A Day In The Life

I woke up this morning with an ear bleeding migraine again. This bitch has been with me for the past 7 days now and I'm sick of it. Just when I get it to quiet down, that's when the dogs start barking or the neighbor kid decides to play his ghetto blaster car stereo. I have to drag myself down the hall to the bathroom to get some aspirin because, this is really strange, nothing else works for me.

It's true. I have tried every stinking migraine medication my doctor could throw at me and nothing worked. But I take 3 or 4 regular aspirin and I'm fine as frog hair split four ways. Yeah, go figure. David says I'm from another planet. Hey I'm out on a day pass and they haven't found me yet.

I just got up from the couch to get some more coffee and happened to peek in the hallway where the heater is. There are three little black and white bodies lying on the carpet. Yeppers, three little cute dogs all spread out on the rug in front of the heater for max warmth. These three little lazy buggers will be in the other room later getting sun tans when the sun hits the floor. At which time during this day these little buggers will follow the sun all along the floor until it hits the other wall and then they will come to bother me for food. Ahh the life of a pampered puppy

Monday, January 24, 2011

Award Time

I feel so renewed. I slept a whole 8 hours through last night. No farting puppies, hockey games, etc. It was absolutely fuckinfabu. I still have pain but not as bad.

I just checked my emails and comments from this past weekend and found out I got an award from Susan at Pieces of Fate.  The directions say I'm supposed to share 7 things about myself and then pass it on to 7 bloggers. I don't mind getting these things but I hate passing them onto so many bloggers. So I will pick three bloggers and tell tree things about myself.

1. I love to shop online. In fact it's a secret fetish of mine.
2. I cry at night sometimes when David is asleep because I hate the thought of ever being without him. I don't know what I would do.
3. I am a book pack rat. I love them. I now have enough books that would probably cover two entire walls from top to bottom in my living room. That's 10' high X 14' and16' long.

Mmkay, I am passing this on to three bloggers :

1. Heathen at heathens-haven.blogspot.com
2. Jenn at abroomandthemoon.blogspot.com
3. Mina at greenwitchwithsprinkles.blogspot.com

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Quick Note

I'm not too sure but I think Pebbles won the hockey game. Lucy pretty much steers clear of her since Friday night. And I did notice that Pebbles carries herself with a bit more ... how can I say this ..." my shit don't stink" sort of walk. Yeppers, I do think the EEP's were Lucy's.

I also noticed that Pebbles is eating from Lucy's food bowl. Not that the food is any different. But I think that the winner gets to eat from the "Winner 's Cup". Lucy's bowl is considered the trophy I guess. What a strange bet.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Things That Go EEP In The Night

Has anyone ever tried to sleep with back and hip pain, on a heating pad, while Fat Albert gets in and out of bed, and the USA Olympic Hockey team is playing in your kitchen, and all the while your husband sleeps like a baby through it all?? Well bunkie have I got a night for you.

David and I always go to bed at 8pm every night. No ands ifs or buts. I don't mind because I liked getting up early in the morning. But lately my pain has this great big fucking choke hold on me.

Anywho, last night we went to bed like usual and we allowed Spunky, our male Boston to run the house. Meaning he could go anywhere and sleep anywhere he wanted except with the girls, Lucy and Pebbles who were locked up in the kitchen. First off that was a big mistake, because I was hurting and the Tramadol wasn't working. But we all snuggled down to sleep except me on my heating pad.

Then the real fun started. Spunky decided to move his big 'ol chunky body up from the foot of the bed to my left side. Yes he strategically set his ass right in the direction of my face. Then he let one go that would have made a skunk proud. All I heard was very loud KA-BRUMPH. He had jumped off the bed and made a run for it. I called out, "swine dog!!" Then turned off the heating pad and started to fall asleep.

Then I hear KA-GINK, KA-BONK. I turned over to listen but the dogs weren't barking so I went back to bed. KA-GINK, KA-BANK, KA-BINK. "EEP!!" KA-BANK.
What the hell is going on? So I get up cause the noise is coming from the kitchen where the girls are. I turned on the flashlight and they are splayed out on their blankets like they made a running jump for them. I said,"I don't have a clue as to what you girls are doing but you better stop."

I got back in bed and Fat Albert (Spunky) was at the bottom of the bed. He immediately made for my left side and settled in. I let him know that if he farts in bed he's dead meat. I turned up the heating pad and all was quiet. I'm just getting to sleep  when, KA-RUMPH!! Fat Albert is on the prowl. Growling all the way down the hall and into the media room where he falls asleep. I turned over and think it's high time I get some sleep when, KA-BINK, KA-BANK, "EEP!!" KA-BINK.

I tip toed to the kitchen to see what is going on. Turn on the flashlight to find Lucy in the corner with her empty food bowl and Pebbles facing her. Both looking very guilty. They were playing hockey again. I had caught them once before many months ago and David forgot to pick up Lucy's bowl before coming to bed.

I picked up the bowl and asked who won. Then I asked who wanted to go outside. All three ran out when I opened the door. I fixed the girls beds. Turned down the heat a bit to 67 and got a drink of water. It's about 28 outside and I am in no hurry to let them in just yet. I'm sipping my water while three little bodies are shivering in the cold night. There was no more noise  after I let them in.
Hmmm. Payback is a bitch kids. So Don't mess with the mama.

Friday, January 21, 2011

When Will This Get Better??!!!

I am so tired of this shit. One minute I feel good enough to clean house and do laundry and then I finish with it all and I feel like a cat chewed me up and hacked me out. EWWWW!!! I know. I just can't seem to keep my energy levels up and I can't stop the pain.

I tried going without my Tramadol for a couple of days and I was beginning to wonder how badly we suffered with so much pain before drugs came along to make things more manageable. I finally just got out of bed today. I had no energy.

David thinks it's all in my head and that I'm just depressed. AHAHAHAHHAhahahahhahaaa. If I was depressed I would have killed somebody a month ago when he took two weeks off for Christmas vacation and did nothing but irk the shit out of me by watching Jerry Springer all day. Do you know that fucker is on three times a day for a whole hour??!!!

Oh well, such is life, huh. I keep asking when does it get better. Goddess won't answer. She's been quiet since last Thursday when I went to see my doctor. She must be busy.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

My Fav Slippers

I felt like absolute shit this morning. I was up most of the night with pain all over but mostly in my hips and back. I finally desided  enough was enough. I crawled out of bed and down the hall to the media room. I was reading blogs and emails when I saw one from Heathen. She wanted to know where to get the Killer Bunny slippers that I run around in.

Well there are many places to get them but I got mine from Bunnyslippers.com . Under the All Slippers is Novelty Slippers. You will find them there. They are a bit pricey but they are worth it.  Right now I checked and they are out of stock. Put your name on the list and they will notify you when they are available. I want to get the Godzilla Slippers for David. But I know he wouldn't wear them. But my brother would.

On the Killer Bunny slippers you will see the fangs and they are white. I took some Dead Red nail polish and painted some blood on the fangs. David said I'm deranged. I know I am. But hey, the way I see it, nobody knows I'm still out on that day pass since December of 1977 either. I ain't saying nothin and nobody has come to claim me yet. No harm no foul.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A Note To Let You Know I'm Okay

Back in the world of the living again. I had a really bad Fibro attack. Yeppers, I wanted to gnaw off various limbs of my body but I held off of that. So I am back to torment you all without a remorseful bone in my body.

I would have been on earlier but we had a squirrelacide in the neighborhood this morning. Stupid little buggers were chasing each other up and down the power poles and one of them wasn't careful. *ZAP* And then a loud bang. Yep, he blew the power out. We get these like 3 or 4 times a year. At least the electric company knows what you mean when you say there's been a squirrelacide.

While I was stuck in bed David took it upon himself to try to give the puppies a bath on Sunday. I found out because 2 little fuzzy children scampered onto the bed I was lying in and took up refuge between my left arm and my left side. Both of them were shaking uncontrollably and they had this very scared look on their faces like "mama don't let daddy drown us, please. We'll give you all our toys if you'll hide us."
Sorry but I had to give them up. David was very right in giving them baths. They was stanky little dogs. But they turned out very sweet and soft when they dried off. Just like babies, David fed them right after their bath and they fell asleep the rest of the evening. Happens every time.

I love this cold weather. It's my body that has a bitch with it. Right now I'm wearing my baby blue sweats with my hair in a ponytail and my killer rabbit slippers. They're bunny slippers with bloody fangs. So I'm fairly warm and toasty. I took 2 Tramadol a while ago and I'm feeling no pain right now except in my left hip. But that's normal. I just wanted to let you know, my dear minions, that I am fine as frog hair split four ways and I am going to crash out for a while.
Love you all very much.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Taking Time

I am going to be taking the week off. Sorry my minions but I need this for health reasons. I will be back next week I hope.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

WTF???

Sorry, my dear minions but I am trying to get used to the Tramadol my doctor prescribed for my pain. He said his wife takes it with her Cymbalta. Guess he never figured it into the Lyrica equation. Apparently when you mix Tramadol and Lyrica at certain dosages like mine you get what I call "Party Favors".

Yes my dear minions. These Party Favors are in the realm of fantasy. Things talk that shouldn't and move when shouldn't. And then there is the lucid sleepwalking. Yes!!!  I said lucid. You are aware that your body is walking around the house but you can't stop it. Then there is the sleeping all the time, and all day long.

I'm not saying the Tramadol isn't working. In fact it is. I have no pain for almost six hours when I take it. It's just making my life somewhat more entertaining. So on Monday morning David wants me to let my doctor know that I have a problem. WTF?? I don't have a problem. I'm having fun here. So just let me enjoy it. David needs to but out of this one. Hell, I'm pain free for a while. Just fuck off and leave it at that.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I didn't have a fuckin thing to blog about today. Nope. So I thought I would show a few new pictures of my little fuzzy child Lucy. 

squirrel patrol


little begger

Lucy acts like I'm gonna beat her(which I have never ever done) but she just realized that she forgot what she came to ask me for. Lucy is the proverbial airhead. To bad she's not blonde. Notice the ears are neatly folded. Too bad Pebbles sent her in to ask if I would let them outside. Now Pebbles has to come and ask me herself. Yes it reminds me of Pinky and The Brain.

Lucy is so ashamed that she forgot. Pebbles is going to kick her stupid ass when they get outside.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Doctor Visit And Other Shit

I went to see my doctor this morning. Everything is all hunky dory except my blood cells are all elevated. He wants me to come back in a month. He says it's Polycythemia and that it might be from high iron levels or just stress. He is worried about heart attack or leukemia. I know I don't have either. It's just high iron. I otherwise feel like shit. So tired all the time.

So a blood test in one month for iron levels, and he is trying me out on something for all my pain. I'm just waiting to see what it will be because what he prescribed will interfere with my serotonin levels and the Cymbalta. I love my Pharmacist. They caught this possible problem. These guys are the oldest pharmacy in town and they know everyone and their problems and they deliver to your home too.

Mmkay, Dark Mother turned me on to this book. I have been reading "Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth since Sunday, off and on because of stuff I normally have to do around the house. Well let me tell you, ladies, if you can go to the library or even the bookshop, whatever is best. I would get this book and read it. It will help you to lose weight. I kid you not.


But you have to really  read it not just the words. Look into what this woman is trying to do. She gets into the heart of the matter. It has helped me immensely since I decided to start this "diet". I have since stopped dieting but I am losing weight!!  I will continue to post my weightloss on the ticker every week just to keep a record. Thank you Dark Mother for opening my eyes and stopping my yo yo dieting. A great big hug and a kiss goes to you my dear friend.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Sunday, January 9, 2011

It's Another Great Day In The Neighborhood

I guess you all have noticed I changed how you can get into my blog to read. YES! I changed the content part. Too bad, so sad, I know. But I don't want some bitch coming in and saying I need to be censored. If you don't like it, sorry. I'm just playing by the rules.

Yesterday it was totally gloomy as hell. Last night it rained and today is the same as yesterday. I fucking love it when the weather is like this! Makes me want to curl up and relax with a good book and the puppies on the couch. Weather guy said it would clear up but stay cloudy most of the day. I think I could love living in Seattle. But this place is fine where I am. Why I never go all Emo on anybody's ass I'll never know.

mexican men Pictures, Images and PhotosLast night I had a bit of a problem sleeping. We have these neighbors across the street of Mexican descent. They love their soccer and then they love to BBQ and drink in their front yard. One other thing they love and that is loud music. Now wait a minute... this is not the fucking BOOM BOOM BOOM shit from gangster rap. These guys play Mexican old time love songs. LOUD and they get all fuck faced drunk and sing even LOUDER.

Last night they were confined to the garage, playing pool and singing. This went on until almost about 2:30 this morning. I couldn't sleep with all the caterwalling going on so I decided to come into the living room and read some blogs and then read a book.

I was debating on calling the police on em. But someone beat me to the punch. They got quiet for a brief while and closed the door to the garage. Then I heard trucks and cars leaving. Then they came back ... with beer and more munchies. Yep, they made a food and beer run. Then the party continued in the back yard. It turned into a BBQ at 4:00 this morning.

It's now a bit after 10 this morning. I got a little sleep. I noticed the trucks and cars are still there this morning and there are no signs of life yet. I suppose they will fire up the grill again and start the singing about 9 tonight as usual.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I Found A Great Weight Loss Ticker

http://www.tickerfactory.com/ezticker/ticker_designer.php 

Mmkay, for all my friends who wish to track their own data on their weight, here is the ticker site I found for mine.  They make it really easy for you to make one and don't forget to enter a password pin so you can go back and get into your ticker to change it every time you weigh in.

When you first go into this site make sure you scroll down to the bottom where it has the Weight loss Ticker. then do what it says step by step, at the end scroll down to the HTML code for blog and copy it for your blog. It's so very easy. I won't make you enter any incriminating pictures cause I think it scares everyone off from this. So just the ticker and we will see what happens at the Dec 1st deadline.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Friday Funny

LAST TWO WEEKS WERE TOUGH ON ME.
  BUT FUCK IT,  I MADE IT!!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Can You Get Your Game On For This???

I was reading the comments from yesterdays post about my weight dilemma. Mmkay, so if you girls wanna do this,  then lets do it. we will need to get a weight loss counter on each blog to show how much weight we are each losing.

Screw this! Lets make it interesting. We will all go into our doctor's offices sometime within the next two weeks and get officially weighed in. Have to make it official now and get it in writing with doctor's signiture, then post it on your blogs side bar where your weight loss counter will be along with how much you want to lose.

On December 1st we will all get officially weighed in again to see the official weight loss for each of us and post the final numbers on our blogs. Now we have to make a commitment to this cause the interesting part comes next.

Anyone who loses the most by Dec 1st,  gets a $100 Amazon.com gift certificate from me. But, here's the kicker, you have to lose at least 75 to 100+ lbs. from the time you post the doctor's signed weigh in until Dec 1st when you will post the last weigh in with your doctor's signature. That makes it an official thingy.  I won't be eligible to win but I will still participate. I was able to lose 80 lbs. in 6 months 8 years ago and I WILL do it again. I need to cause I want to get back into my jeans. They look so lonely hanging in my closet.

So ...  how brave are you, any takers?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Ahhhh, a Brand New Year To Fuck Up

I am so freaking pissed right now. I had to walk away so I wouldn't kill Lucy. She erased my whole post for this morning by walking on my keyboard. I put her and the other puppies outside to chase squirrels for a while. So now I have to start over. Shit!!

As you all know I was out with bronchitis. I'm not coughing as bad as before, besides, I hate David's cooking. His idea of a meal is Jack in the Crack or Micky D's. ugh. Which leads me to what I need to accomplish for this year. No I don't believe in resolutions cause their made to be broken.

Anywho, I need to accomplish the losing of 120lbs. before December of this year. I think I can do it but it will be a tough thing to get done. I can't move as well due to arthritis and fibromyalgia so I'll have to improvise quite a bit in the exercise part. I can do the diet part easily enough I just have to keep David from bringing home the fast food. He is my downfall.

While I was out sick and sneaking on to the computer while David was busy outside or running errands for me. I read a few blogs that had great ideas. Some I had actual time to comment on. One idea I was wanting to try and that was a Word of The Year. I deliberated and came up with two words but one stuck out that will hopefully get me through this year.

STRENGTH

The quality or state of being strong
Mental power, firmness or courage
Power of resisting force, strain
Effective force or power

So Strength is going to be my word for this year. I will keep the other word for next year. Rebirth will be a fitting word for me then.




Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Update

After extensive deliberation upon reading all the comments since I've been out sick in the head, I have come to a disturbing conclusion. Y'ALL ARE A BUNCH O' SICK PUPPIES!!!

Mmkay, David has allowed me out of my cell today but I am not to go outside for anything. Shit!!  It's freaking raining what does he think I am, crazy? I have to say I am nutz but crazy? No. The fact that I can get out of my cell without him bitchin at me is enough to make my day.

truck and guys to help move my stuff
Nothing was ever accomplished over the last two weeks of last year. I wanted to move all my toys into David's daughter's old room  so I could have seclusion, but that never happened.

1. The man is totally useless when it comes to moving stuff ... "Where do you want this honey?"

2. Having him go through all my things without me being there is dangerous ... "When did you buy this? I didn't see you buy this? How much was this?"

3. For the thirty millionth time he asks "Honey where do you want the computer cord in the wall?" Again and again.

I finally gave up and told him to forget about moving anything, that I wanted to stay in the media room and watch Jerry Springer with him ... not. Anywho, nothing got moved cause I was not about to arise from my deathbed again coughing and hacking to tell him where to stick the computer cord through the wall. I just hope this new year moves along smoother than last. Cause I can't think up anymore good ideas for natural death without getting caught.

Now if y'all will excuse me, my dear minions, I have a messy house to clean ... ugh!!!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Monday Funny

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security

        Terrorist Plots Discovered                      0

        Transvestites                                    133

        Hernias                                          1,485

        Hemorrhoid Cases                          3,172

        Enlarged Prostates                         8,249

        Breast Implants                            59,350

        Natural Blonds                                     3


I had to post this after David left for work. It was too funny not to.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year

Happy New Year my dear minions. I'm feeling much better today but still, David won't let me out of bed. I had to go find my HP Mini laptop, Little Hal. David hid him from me so I would let the meds work and get some sleep. ;P  Well David loves his morning tacos on new years so while he was away this mouse did stray and found Little Hal in the living room. It's a bit of a story...later.
I only have a few more minutes before he gets back. Just wanted to let everyone know I am doing better and will probably be back to normal when the tyrant goes back to work on Monday.
Love you and miss you my minions.
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