MY MINIONS

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Warning! - This Blog May Contain:

violence, terrible grammar, gratuitous sex, strong odors, seed porn, and possibly improper French

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Endoscopy Explained



David is having his annual five year Endoscopy next week and I had to get Robin Williams' version of what David will go through and post it for you, my minions. When David saw this he nearly died laughing. Yeppers, he passed out from laughing so hard, he couldn't catch his breath. It was scary for a while there but he's okay now.

This is so Funny

Just got back from Sloopy's (Linda's) blog. She's doing some fun things with names. If you want to try it go see herblog and have a bit of fun this morning. BTW, my new name is Tootsie Chickendunkin, according to the name game she has going on. So go check her out my minions.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Pod People

Yes pod people are here. I know nobody likes to talk about this subject, but it has to be addressed. Over the weekend I noticed that certain people in town have these pods in their front yards, like decorations. Either they have been taken over already or they are ignorant.

David just laughed at me until I explained the situation to him. These pod people are taking over slowly but surely. It starts out with the introduction of this "cacti" that they think will look great in their gardens. They have no clue what that friendly guy at the local garden shop is selling them.

It's a pod. Oh it looks innocent and all now but one night while you are sleeping ... and it only takes that one night my friends. Just think about it. Have you seen anyone that just doesn't look right? They are really odd looking and don't laugh at your jokes. Their sense of fashion is all out the door. They even have no rhythm when they walk. Women pod people can't walk in heels, not because they hurt but because their lack of co-ordination. Hence the saying "Can't walk and chew gum at the same time."
Let me give you an idea of pod people that I have been observing. The Olsen Twins. They have a billion dollar empire and yet they dress like bag ladies. Come on!! These are pod people. They scream pod people.

My advice is to beware of these pods you see at the garden shop. If the shop owner wants you to take one home free to see how it will look in the front yard, then run. Run fast. Don't look back. Just run for your life

Monday, March 28, 2011

The Cost Of Living Is Bad



The cost of living has hit us all really hard.
  • My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
  • Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
  • CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
  • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
  • A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
  • I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
  • The bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," and you call them to ask if they meant you or them.
  • Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
  • My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so the Church re-possessed her!
  • A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
  • When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now share a room.
  • Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!  The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
  • I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hot line. I got a call center in Pakistan, and, when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, asked if I could drive.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Was It Something I Said???

Something funny happened over the weekend I wanted to tell you all about but I forgot. It must be old timers disease affecting me again. To give you an idea about what it is like living with this Bear, he watches HGTV and all the home improvement shows on TV that he can find on Saturday and Sundays like it's a new religion or something. Then it's sports or he goes to Home Desperate to look around.

Anywho, to get to the story.  I had asked David what he thought about if we put garden bricks around the trees and put four o'clocks and geraniums in there. He said great. So I went inside and he kissed me good-by and said he was going to Home Desperate to look around.

He came home about an hour later and disappeared to his shed. Moments later I smelled paint. Yeppers, that smell of spray paint. He was out spraying around the trees with neon-orange spray paint just like they do when they want to mark out where they will be digging and putting plants.. Our neighbor's hubby came home and walked over to me and asked what David was doing. Without missing a beat I said "Oh, he's marking his territory."

My neighbor laughed so hard he fell on the ground. David asked what happened. And I told him what I told our laughing neighbor. He didn't think it was funny. But word got around and now David is the butt of all the gardening jokes in the neighborhood.

I gotta watch what I say around people. My wit is just to strong for them. It's a small town so David wants me to behave from now on. I really can't make this shit up. It just happens this way.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Oh Damn It All To Hell !!!

Mmkay, Dark Mother. Woman, you have succeeded in making me into a blubbering, whiny, cry baby.  The death of your sister was bad enough. I somewhat felt what you were going through because I lost my Dad not to long ago. But now Brandy, your sweet smooshy faced baby girl (I call my Lucy and Pebbles the same thing) has died.

I went to your blog page this morning  to see her picture again and low and behold you wrote a moving tribute to Brandy. You bitch!!  How dare you do this to me. It made me hug the living shit out of my puppies and they are still looking at me strangely. They have no idea that their lifetimes are only a fraction of ours.

Everytime I look at them I realize they only have a few more years with us. I don't know what I will do without them. I can't replace them because they are unique individuals. They are the children David and I couldn't have. They have their own little quirks. The funny faces that they make right when you want to scold them. The way they know when you are sick or hurting, they know just how to be sweet and caring to you.

No, My kids won't be replaced in my heart. Not ever

P.S. please note I have nothing against DM. She is my BBB(blogging bitch buddy). I love her to death. If I call her a bitch , it's in a loving tone. She's a great puppy mommy and I'm hurting for her as much as the next friend would.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Crazy Witch's Daybook

My mood today is My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)

What I wish my garden looked like
What my silly ass was up to so far today: I went outside to survey my realm and went freaking hog wild. I started by watering the yard. Then I got ahold of the pruning sheers and cut away at all the old dead junk in my garden. Then I just threw some seeds I had in a jar saved up from all the seeds I'd taken from flowers years before. It's a hap hazard way of growing my wild garden but it works.

What I'm thankful for: I have my own home and gardens that I can do anything I damned well please to it. I got David to finally finish putting in the rest of the garden bricks that I wanted him to finish two years ago. So now I need to go get my Hydrangeas from Home Desperate and my Geraniums too. I got cuttings from my Robin Hood Hedge Roses and started them in rooting hormone. Also I am moving my baby banana trees near the car port so they will have protection from the wind. So much to do, so little time.

My one guilty pleasure: I love when the weather finally turns to a warm spring. I love walking around without shoes. I love the feel of the ground under my feet. It makes me feel closer to the Goddess.

What's cookin good lookin: I'm making BBQ chicken that tastes like cat  with Fritos salad. Really the salad is a meal in itself.
Frito Salad  -  serves 8 to 10
1 head lettuce, chopped like for a salad
2 tomatoes, chopped small
2 cucumbers, seeded and chopped small
1 cup sliced green or black olives, whatever your preference (optional)
1/2 cup pickled jalapeƱos, chopped (optional)
1 bell pepper, diced (optional)
1 can regular pinto or red beans, rinsed and drained well
3 to 4 cups of Fritos, not the dipping chips
1 to 2 cups freshly grated cheddar cheese
1 large bottle of Kraft French Dressing
Put everything into a large serving bowl except the Fritos, cheese, and French dressing and let sit covered in the fridge before you are ready to eat. When you are ready to serve your family and/or guests, add the cheese and Fritos.  Add only enough French dressing to lightly coat the salad. Eat up!

The kicker is that once you make this salad it will start to wilt out so make sure to only mix it up when you are ready to serve it otherwise the Fritos get soggy after one hour. Also it's not a great idea to save any of it afterwards because of the soggy Fritos. I love to eat this as just a meal because it's a salad and then you have the protein from the beans. There are many versions of this salad and this one is mine. Please try it. You might be surprised.

Monday, March 21, 2011

iPhone 5


I like the get out of jail free app.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Ever Have One Of Those Days

Just wanted to let you all know that I did something very unintentional. Please don't laugh, I know I'm stupid and I blame everything on my meds. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I went into my Picasa and deleted a bunch of pictures that I thought I didn't need. I didn't know that if you do this that every picture that is eliminated also is deleted from the blog entry it was on. Since there are like about half a billion pictures missing from my blogs. I'm leaving them as they are for now. I'll go back one day when I'm in my right mind yeah right and fix everything.

Live and learn, right? Well y'all can learn from my dumb ass.  I won't go into Picasa anymore.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

OCD

Obsessive Compulsion Disorder. Anyone who has a Boston Terrorist for a pet knows what this is. If you don't understand, it's when there are like six thousand little green tennis balls all over the house, in every room and your dog only wants one specific ball and it just happens to be under a bookcase.

Spunky waiting forever for David to throw the ball.
You can be doing something important like trying to get your blog post finished or making toast and out of the living room comes a pathetic little whine from your puppy dog. I don't mean just a sigh type whine. The is a really gut wrenching cry like whine from a poor puppy that lost his only green friend from a sea of friends all around him.

I for one don't want to get down on my arthritic knees just to get one stupid ball. So there Spunky sits for two hours. Whining and occasionally barking like he's trying to get the ball's attention.  Such concentration. I wish I had that. Then he gets tired and decides to lay down and wait for it to come out on it's own.

Finally David comes home for lunch and Spunky is all crazy with joy. He shows David his problem and it's like a mental thing with those two. Except David has extortion on his mind. David says sympathetically, "okay I'll get it out for you. Ya got a dollar? No?  How bout fifty cents?"

Poor Spunkinator. He can't seem to catch a break today. I smack David upside the head and he get's the ball for the little Spunkazoid, who shows his elation at getting his friend back by prancing off to the media room to put it in his bed where he can sleep with it for the afternoon siesta.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Magnetic Personality

Yesterday while David and I were at the doctor's office most of the day something happened. Mind you we have two little Boston Terrorists and a Chihuahua that thinks she owns everything in the house including us. Well, I usually child proof the house before we leave. That means closing the doors to the bathroom, bedroom and living/dining areas. Then I remove any objects, and that includes shoes from the floor that they might get a hold of and chew up. I move both David's and my office chairs away from our desks and turn off any unnecessary power strips that we won't need on.

Yes I know it's a pain in the ass but it's a ritual that saves lives and damages. Now when we leave after all this prep I feel safe and sound and the puppies can kill each other for all I care. So we left them alone for about four hours because everything was moving slow at Dr.D's office.

On the way back we decided to stop off at Sonic and pick up dinner because of all the things I did I forgot to take something out to defrost for dinner. We also picked up extra fries for the puppies. It's a Boston mommy thing. You need to have spoiled Bostons to understand.

Anywho, I noticed something all over the kitchen floor after we let the puppies out. Something black on one side and something like a picture with numbers on the other. I was sweeping up the pieces into the dustpan and when I picked up the dog's blankets for their bed, there was neatly hidden, for her own pleasure for later chewing, larger pieces of what used to be a magnetic calender.

I asked David if he recognized it and he said he lost that thing weeks ago behind his desk. I told him that Lucy found it. He just laughed and told me to keep her away from anything metal until it passes. Simple for him to say. Now I have to go outside and peel her off the chain link fence every time I let the puppies outside. And then I'll have to keep her away from the computers so she doesn't erase the hard drives. What's even worse her personality is already magnetic enough!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Update On Medical

Aaahhhhh my dear minions. I was out most of the day stuck in a waiting room at Dr. D's office. I am glad to say that she has released me for 6 months. I will have to see her in September for a follow up to see if I am Polycythemia free or not. But for this moment in time I feel pretty damned good. She said everything has gone back to almost normal. If I have any problems to see her. So sis if you are reading this I am normal but still Abby Normal for now.

Now I need to tackle this Fibromyalgia shit. I don't think it's Fibro though. I think it's an underactive thyroid. So I need to talk to my family doctor and see if we can look into this.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Crazy Witch's Daybook

My Mood right now is My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods) shitless.

One of my guilty pleasures is having a Werther's candy in the morning with my coffee. The taste is really awesome. mmmmm butterscotch with coffee yum.

Shit I'm thankful for is that I don't live near the coast or on a fault line. My heart  goes out to the people of Japan. Those that are still alive, I pray they will be comforted in their sorrows. For the dead, I pray they will be at peace.

What my fat ass is doing right now? Shit, I'm praying for some rain. I even lit candles and everything. It seems to have passed us up yet again. *Sigh* Goddess knows we need it bad out here. Yet it's dark with clouds.

What I'm listening to. A little Boston snoring his head off. He sounds like a little ol' man snoring. I guess after that he'll be farting his brains out. To bad he has no arms or hands then he'd be scratching his ass and farting at the same time.

Latest addition to my shit list is the crap that my town inherited when Katrina hit New Orleans. I have nothing bad to say against N.O. except that since the shit blew out that city and landed everywhere it could, crime, gangs and drugs have gone crazy in this town. We went from 22 thousand people to 44 thousand in the population level and crimes in all sectors has gone up with it if not more. Omg not to mention we used to have only three trannys in town now it's a whole shitload of em. This is a redneck town. They drive around with rifles in the back windows of pickups. I'm a little worried cause people are starting to get pissed.

Silly crap I wish I could do, is I wish I had the power to help the sick, Especially children. If I had the power by waving my magic wand there would be no more sick or dying children. But then that would also upset the world populations as they are now. Things happen for a reason so don't fuck with the mamma.

I was thinking of 2012 end  of time as we know it and all and the fact that this earthquake tilted the earth on it's axes by 6.5 inches. Yes we are moving. I'm keeping tabs. Enjoy the cartoon.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Ewwwww Joke Of the Week

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to gently taste them.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Slacking In My Blogging

Sorry my minions. I am trying not to be such a slacker when it comes to blogging but I've seemed to have been sucked into a mind numbing fog the past few days. Everytime I think I have something to write about, the thoughts disappear by the time I touch the keypad. It's never happened before, so I guess I'm going through my version of writers block. Yeah right.

There is so much happening in my world right now. How could I get constipated like that? Yeah well, to me it's so easy. Hell, for all I know it could be an outside influence like Sheen and his "Winning" Bullshit. Or all that crap in the Middle East going on that is influencing the gas prices. Personally, why are the prices going up when there is no gas crisis yet? Has oil stopped flowing there? NO. So why are we being forced to pay? It's Bullshit!

Mmkay I'm stepping off my soap box before I start something. The previous thoughts expressed here may not necessarily be my own as they may be med induced or some other hog shit like that.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

How To Put A Grill Together And Not Kill Your Spouse

Over the weekend David went to Home Desperate and bought a grill and opted to put it together himself.  Wrong judgement on his part. First off, it's a nice little grill. Standard size with no extra bells or whistles. Just two burners and the little button from hell, that when pushed, lights the bitch and you in a rolling ball of butane flames.  Shit, he might as well bought a habachi instead.


He brought it home and unloaded all the parts onto the patio table and floor, noting each and every part on the booklet to make sure he wasn't shorted a part. Pleased that everything was accounted for, he began putting it together. I came out on the back patio steps to sit in the nice cool shade, sipping a Pepsi and watch while the potatoes were on to boil for potato salad.


David is very accomplished in doing things like this. He's great at putting things together. He reads the directions like his life depends on them. Just don't let him fix anything that has to do with plumbing. But I digress. I was back inside by the time he put it all together. He was quite pleased and called me to come out to see his handiwork. 


The grill was really nice looking. He had everything all hooked up and ready to go, until he went to light it up. He turned on the two knobs for the burners and pushed the starter button to light it. No ignition. Nada. Nada damned thing happened. He tried to get the igniting button to ignite the butane again and again. No go. 


It was a bit breezy out so I told him to wait a bit before hitting the button to let the gas build up. He did that but no light. So I came out with the lighter we kept around for the regular grill to light the coals. He grabbed it from me and told me to step back. He tried to light it but nothing happened.


I sort of picked up on the problem when I noticed no butane smell while I was near it. 
Me: Um, sweetheart? Did you read the directions for the tank?
David: YES SWEETIE!!! he's a bit perturbed at this point.
Me: Are you sure? I mean they....
David: YES I READ THEM COMPLETELY! Now please go back inside and let me figure this out.
Me: Hokey dokey smokey.


So I went back inside and watched from the media room while he slogged to figure out why he couldn't light the grill with an empty butane tank. It took a minute ...mmkay more like 20 minutes before he took the butane canister off and went to the corner store to exchange it for a filled one. But he did figure it out and we did finally have our BBQ. Dinner was nice but quiet except for when he kept telling me to shut up because that sly little smirk would show up on my lips now and then.



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