MY MINIONS

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Warning! - This Blog May Contain:

violence, terrible grammar, gratuitous sex, strong odors, seed porn, and possibly improper French

Friday, April 29, 2011

It's Rant Friday

I'm back for more punishment my dear minions. So much has happened since I took my little hiatus. Dark Mother has left us again and I hope she get's the itch to come back and tickle our fancy again soon. Going to miss that crazy witch.

I went to see my doctor for pain meds and had to get another MRI cause it's been a year since the last one and he thinks I might have done something worse to my back this time instead of just popping the disc. So I have an appointment next week to see what the MRI results are. Still got no pain meds and I'm hurting like a bitch on PMS. David's best friend had a popped disc and had surgery to put in a few rods  and screws and he is still in a butt load of pain. Kinda makes me want to say no if the doc says surgery. But we will see.

Since my back got screwed up and I ended up in the ER almost 3 weekends ago, David won't let me do a damned thing and that includes house work. It pisses me off cause all he does is rant and bitch like an old lady namely my mother if I do anything around here. Shit, I asked him to get me some potting soil so I could repot some plants and flowers and he made me watch him do it while I had to tell him how. Then he get's all Farmer Ted on me and goes out and buys four tomato plants, puts them into bigger pots and won't let me water them.

Last Sunday was Easter as usual and all the Christians in town went to church. David and I were outside talking about how he wanted to tear up the other side of the yard and put down some grass and flowers. Our neighbors came home and said Happy Easter to which I replied Happy Ostara. She looked at me funny and asked what that was. David hurried me into the house before I could say anything. I know she will ask what it was that I said in due time. And then I will explain. She is very Christian but she has an open mind. David just didn't want to see anything started that day I guess. Whatever.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Happy Blog Year To Me

I seem to have lost a minion or two. Please remember you must return your Laser Death Rays and costumes within 24 hours of leaving the Dominion. Or pay the consequences, what ever those things are.

 Mmmkay, I'm in a nice little Valium / Hydrocodone  fog today so let's not waste it. I was looking around and found out my ass blog is approximately one year old this week, give or take a few days. Yeppers, I was in here sounding off and writing my first thoughts if you can call them that about a whole year ago. Wow, how time flies when you're gathering minions. I have also found so many friends along the way too. I never knew blogging would be so much fun.

 If I could I'd have the puppies blog in my place cause all they are is foreign children dressed in fuzzy clothes with a speech impediment. But then all they would talk about is the cats across the street selling nip to the kittens next door, trying to get them hooked and shit. Or the time they almost caught a squirrel. Lucy would just blog about her mailman boyfriend, the little hussy. But I will spare you the trials and tribulations of puppies that blog.

 Be as it may I am in a world of hurt lately and being drugged up and no place to go, I will be cutting my blogging time down to a few days a week. Now the deal is I won't tell you when I'll be blogging cause I won't know either. It will be on a how fucked up am I kind of thing. If I feel good then I'll blog my heart out. So for now I'm going to call this a week and go sack out for a bit. I have such a buzzzzzzz.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

What A Wonderful Weekend I Had ;P

Okay my minions, I'm back for a little while. I need to let you all know that I'm having a bit of a problem with my back. This is in no way trying to get any sympathy from y'all but a little is nice, ahahahaha. I hate being the proverbial Lead Balloon but last week Wednesday I was outside picking up some dead grass that David had tilled up and left in a pile. Knowing me I hate things out of place and I grabbed some trash bags and picked it up and set them up next to the trash cans for weekly trash pickup.

Only thing, is that while I was doing the picking up of the dead grass, I felt a light pop in my lower back. I finished the job but the pain started to hit hard so I took a hot shower and then went to ice my back down. It was still hurting when David came home so I was in bed on the heating pad and he was icing it for me. I spent most of my time trying to stay comfortable thinking this will go away like it always does bit I was getting worse.

Saturday afternoon right after lunch,I couldn't take it anymore so David took me to the ER here in town cause I knew I wouldn't make the long trek to New Braunfels. When I was getting out of the car my back popped really loud and David even heard it.We were the only people in the ER except for the Code Blue that was being worked on. I understood the urgency of the matter and  blew it off. Finally the doctor was able to see me. I wasn't able to sit or lay down at all and walking was like walking through mush four feet high. Each step was so hard to take. The pain was so bad that I remember asking David to kill me.

The doc wanted to get an x-ray and I said it wasn't possible unless he knocked me out with a mallet.  He left and the nurse came in with IV goodies and set me up with an IV in the right hand and gave me three humongous syringes full of goodies that made my day. I was never so happy in all my life after she did that. David said I slept for about two hours while they got the x-rays and an MRI of my lower back.

Found out I have two slipped discs L3, L4. And the disc for L5 is completely gone and has a severely pinched nerve . So I am on Valium and Hydrocodon, yep good stuff.I wish it was something much better but don't look a gift horse I always say. I have called my pain doc and I have an appointment next Monday and hopefully we can get in to burn some nerve s on the facets ASAP. I will have to have total lower back surgery soon but I hate the thought of the knife. So I'm putting it off for now.

So just that you all know my dears. I am fine and dandy and I will be on to give you a glimpse into my crazy life when I am able and I will be looking into your's now and the too. I love you all very much.
Ciao Bella

Monday, April 18, 2011

Shit That Some Of You Requested



Everyone wanted to know what I was writing about with David marking his territory and the flowers blooming a all. Also extra pictures of the puppies. Special note... David is typing this for me cause I'm in like in white hot pain here g/f. I endedup in the ER Sunday evening and I feel like shit. My back is a complete mess now and the Valium and Hydrococone the doc pit me on is bearly healping. I am waiting for an opening to see doc Miller my pain doc so I can get intothe surgical clinic and get the shots to releive my pain. so as of no I will not be on until further notice. Linda in NM i tried your number but it is not in survice. enjoy the pictures and stuff i had prpared last week for today my friends...ciao




Some of you have been requesting pictures of things that I have written about in the past. So here's a few I was unable to post the pictures with because I ran out of battery life in my camera before I could take the picture. So I took the picture of David's marked territory before he dug it all up and the after picture when he got the garden bricks. This is around one of our pecan trees in the front yard.








I want to plant geraniums in here but David won't let me. He wants roses. So we will be buying knockout roses and put white river stones along with it to keep the cats from using the bathroom in there.





Spunky, David's walking buddy




Some of you wanted more pictures of the puppies, only the Goddess knows why. So here they are
He hates his picture taken, notice he is sticking his tongue at me.

Pebbles wants attention

Pebbles was the little one we saved from a puppy farm. She was severely abused and very scared of human touch. As you can see that has changed. A little love goes a long way. If you will notice she has cataracts in both eyes and we have her scheduled for surgery in two weeks.










Pebbles, part Chihuahua, part Boston, part Diva


Lucy, my sweet baby girl, such a profile!


Lucy the teaser. She loves to start things with Pebbles Her profile is striking. Here she is sitting on David's lap on the front porch when I took the picture from the living room couch. We didn't have her tail cropped because it was crooked just like her personality.
Lucy is a nosy little girl
geraniums I am propagating

Esperanzas
my Knockout roses near front porch

Friday, April 15, 2011

Friday Funny

Drunk On The Toilet

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells' "You're scaring the hell out of all my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!"

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Motherhood

This should have been named "Motherhood"  If it was fatherhood then all three of the little shits would go in the water and he would have to come up with an excuse like they got lost at the mall.  Notice in the closeup of the penguin the eyes twitching, like kids you're on my last nerve. ahahahahhahahahahaaasnort!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

C-PAP Songs You Know And Love Brought To You By ...

The C-PAP. Do y'all know what it is? Google it, I'll wait.
Mmmkay. David has to wear the medium sized face mask kind because he hates the nasal one. Our insurance pays 100% on this so we aren't to choosy. They send him all the supplys he needs for it free of cost. Which is really nice.

Since I sometimes have insomnia issues, I have begun to entertain myself with the strange noises David makes at night. Mainly what sounds like he is either singing with the thing on or talking in his sleep. Now mind you, the C-PAP when worn over the mouth and nose uses negative air force to keep the mouth shut so you don't snore. So, if you are a sleep talker it sounds like you are Hawaiian nose humming.

It's hilarious as shit at night. I will be lying there next to him while he sleeps and all of a sudden it's American Idol tryouts. It really sounds like he's singing, well, I mean humming in his sleep. So I'll try to sing along with him. It's hard when you don't know the tune.

Other nights it's like sleeping with a bag piper. The mask will move out of place when he turns on his side and it will leak and cause a constant sound. Something like a bag piper playing. I usually sing Amazing Grace those nights. Then there is the driving the race car night. He sounds like he's changing gears while driving a formula-one car around the track.

I know,I know, Leeanna you're fucking weirder than shit. But hey, a girl has to have something to do during the night to keep out of trouble.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I Went Back On My Word

I seemed to recall saying something in yesterdays post, hmmm what was it about?? Oh yeah!! I said I was going to do absofuckinlutely nothing but relax on a couch unless it catches fire. Well... I caught fire.

I started cleaning right after I put my mini laptop, Little Hal, on the coffee table. What tipped it off was the floor. It was filthy. David likes to play fetch with Spunky in the house and the area from the kitchen to the front door is all wood floor. There was dirt and dried slobber from them playing while I was down for the count. Who's dried slobber, I have no idea but it had to go.

I threw the piggies puppies outside while I tore the house apart. I dusted, vacuumed, mopped, washed drapes, washed walls, and windows. Then I did laundry. It took me a good six hours but I got this house cleaned the way I like it.

When David came home from work for his daily lunch, he began throwing the dog's ball in  the hallway for them to chase. I screamed, NO MORE PLAYING IN THE HOUSE!! I then read him his Miranda rights and he got mad. I got madder and told him I want the house to stay clean. Play with the dogs outside. He wasn't a happy camper but he agreed to behave. So, how long will this place stay nice and clean is anybody's guess.

Monday, April 11, 2011

The Crazy Witch's Daybook

My mood is My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods) again.

What my fat ass is doing today... absofuckinlutely nothing. I am a lazy bitch today and ain't nothing going to get me off this couch unless it catches fire. Then I'll think about it.

What I'm thankful for... the lurkers that lurk in the shadows. But hey, they read this crazy shit, so what. I am really thankful for all my blogging bitch buddies.When I was able to get on the internet to read some of your stuff, you entertained the shit out of me and believe me I needed it. Thank you.

One of my guilty pleasures is finding David's stash of Samoas and Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies wrapped in his fishing clothes while I was cleaning yesterday. MMMmm samoas ... smack slobber drool drool.


The latest addition to my Shit List is the bitch across the street. She has no husband so she borrows everyone  else's to do her yard work for her. What makes me sick is once one of the guys gets tired of her begging for help she goes and borrows someone else. She saw David out one day last week tilling the front yard up for new grass and she runs over to ask him to please do her yard too when he can. David was too nice to say no. Yeah, well I'm all set to tell the bitch straight up to stop bothering David. I've seen the way she works. It's amazing the guys around here don't tell her to fuck off. But then they're all nice guys too.

What I am hearing right now... nothing except smacking noises from me eating samoas. aahahahahhahahahaa Oh, he's gonna kill me this time.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Update On David

David had his Colonoscopy on Friday morning. Everything went fine and nothing was found to be dangerous like polyps.

Special note.
We found Dr. L's missing wrist watch when David thought he had to take a dump. We are selling it on Ebay if anyone is interested in a shitty Rolex.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I'm Back, My Minions

I'm back and I'm sorry I left so many of you in a lurch. Thank you all for the well wishes. It's so nice to be missed. What did I get on the humble meter this time?

Anywho, I'm back and full of piss and vinegar as usual. Seems like I saved up on it over the week. David can tell you all for sure that I was in full Queen Bitch mode over the past few days. It kinda started Thursday when I was trying to come home from my doctor's appointment for the Fibro. Some bastard decided to park so fucking close to the driver's side of my car that I had to get a can opener to get in it.  I hobbled back inside the doctor's waiting room and asked who owned a big white truck that was blocking me from getting into my car. Note that I said it nicely.

 This big, good ol' boy in a cowboy hat gets up and ambles over to the door where I'm standing and without thinking he says, "What's wrong, so fat you can't get into your car without help?"
I just stood there and didn't say a word as shit for brains went out the door to the other side of the building to his truck. Mind you I was all nice about this.

When I got there he was just standing there looking at the car and his truck. He noticed me and said there should be enough room for me to get in. Then he turned said have a nice day and went back inside. I promised David I would not be a mean spiteful bitch given that he knows so many people and went to school with most of them in this town. So I did one better. I called the local police dept to ask for help.

Guess what?? The police came out and gave him a ticket and then told the asshole to move his truck or get it towed. He got all big shit with them but moved the truck and made a nasty comment towards me. I smiled and flipped him off and yelled to him, " What's the matter? Don't you like the big ol can opener I found?"
Don't fuck with the Queen Bitch I have minions. BWAaaahahahahahahahahhahahahahaaahahahahaaasnort!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Take Some Time Out

Sorry, my minions, but I am going to take some time away from my blogging. I know, what a bitch, huh. But I'm just so damned tired lately and Fibro is kicking my ass again. So I'll be off line for a few weeks.

Your Bitch in Blogging
Leeanna
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