MY MINIONS

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Warning! - This Blog May Contain:

violence, terrible grammar, gratuitous sex, strong odors, seed porn, and possibly improper French

Friday, June 19, 2015

Friday Funny





Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?  Well, here’'s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the  tandem story.  The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the  person sitting to his or  her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the  story.The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been  written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary - last names deleted.



STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) 
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of  Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.


(Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon  4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.  Harris to  Geostation 17," he said into his trans-galactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he  felt one last pang of regret  for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.She stared out  the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree,  with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie, and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can’t allow this!  I’m going to veto that treaty!  Let’'s blow ‘em out of the sky!"


(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.


(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you’'re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no. I'’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many  Mills &  Boon  novels."


(Rebecca)
Asshole!


(Gary)
Bitch!


(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!


4 comments:

  1. Holy Shit thats the best one yet!!!!! I'm still rolling!! Your timing is perfect cause I needed that SOOOOOOO bad this morning!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey, I was just getting into that story and it ended! Aliens and tea are the BEST!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I guess they reached a conclusion then?

    ReplyDelete
  4. And later that night over a cup of Chamomile tea spiked with sucumber liquid from the planet Zeno Rebecca was implanted with an alien life form by Gary who is known on his home planet as Assholus. It turns out that American University is an intergalactic dating service hooking up randy aliens with Earth women while fronting as a university.
    the Ol'Buzzard

    ReplyDelete

let 'er rip

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