MY MINIONS

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Warning! - This Blog May Contain:

violence, terrible grammar, gratuitous sex, strong odors, seed porn, and possibly improper French

Friday, January 29, 2016

Friday Funny




The Ransome 

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. “I’ve kidnapped you,” said the blonde. She then proceeded to write a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde.” The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Start With A Joke

OH Oh! Before you go any further reading today's mess, I have a joke for y'all.

Marriage Humor

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I'm looking for the expiration date."


If this didn't at least make ya smile, then I give up on this job.
SEED PORN
Anywho, LOOK! Seed Porn! YES! I got like seven catalogs of seed porn in the last 3 days. It's magnificent! These guys find out you like seed porn . . . it's like a virus! It just keeps coming in the mail like forever. 
Notice the escaped chicken behind the counter
Okay, on to not so better things. I am having a cooking crisis. I can't seem to cook at all this week. Everything that I have made for dinner has ended up really nasty. Last night was the last straw. The salt shaker came apart and the whole thing ended up in my meatloaf as I was blending it in the mixer. I use sausage meat and lean hamburger and blend it together with my Kitchenaid mixer using the big paddles. That way things get sufficiently mixed together. Well, there was no way to save that so it ended up in the trash and I had to go shopping and get everything to start over. 
Things seemed to go great. Until, yeah, the oven timer refused to work properly. The meat loaf burned, the baked potatoes burned. The built in oven timer was stuck on the first minute and didn't turn the oven off when it was supposed to. I have used that oven timer so many times before and everything would turn out perfect. The oven would turn off and the timer would let me know with the alarm. My meatloaves and casseroles would always come out perfect. Not dry, nothing over or undercooked. 

My cool oven timer from Amazon
I can still use the stove and the oven, I just have to check on things and use my old timer that I used with the previous oven before we replaced it with the new one. Remembering to carry it around with me fucking sucks.

So, I give up on cooking for the rest of this month. David will just have to eat dinner from a can. I'm not taking any more chances this week. I'm making canned chili tonight. Nothing flashy. Heating everything in the microwave oven. I blame this past week on the Mercury retrograde direct station. Don't understand that? Google it! Poke me, I'm done!


Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

What I Did Over My Week Long Vacation


I've had my coffee so I'm good now. Answers to Pickleope's smartass remarks on yesterday comment section. Yes, I am a Coffee Slut. Yes, I will do anything within REASON for coffee. NO, coffee enemas have nothing to do with what I'll do for coffee. NO, I don't do Folgers coffee even if it was the last brand available on the face of the earth. So don't even go there you silly fucker. 

MMMkay, yesterday I had something I wanted to tell y'all about that I learned to do over my time off. It's all about the puppies. I took them to the Doggie Park last week and met someone who has a couple of Bostons just like me. We got to talking about them and she started explaining that she learned how to give her dogs a doggie massage. She learned from a friend who is a licensed masseuse for animals and said it was very good for her dogs who are both way past 13 years old and arthritic. They acted like they were still puppies the way they ran around with mine.

Anywho, she asked her friend to teach me how to give doggie massages for my dogs. It was so easy to learn that I was nearly flabbergasted. I found a few videos on Youtube.com that show the basics. There are cat massage videos and horse massage, even a kinkajou getting a massage. 

I would talk with a Vet first about doing this first. You don't want to hurt your dog. I am not holding a gun to your head to do this, so don't go suing my fat ass saying you heard me say YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR THE GOOD OF YOUR ANIMALS, because I didn't, I didn't force you. All I am saying  is it's a cool idea to LEARN it from someone who is licensed, knows how, and is willing to teach you. So don't go fucking misconstruing my words and shit and then taking my ass to court. 

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I never run over 15 minutes for each dog. They get their full massages after playing at the doggie park and they have gotten so spoiled with this new ritual that they get fucking pissed off at me if I neglect them. Brats. 

 It's very easy to do, not that hard to learn at all. Just be mindful of what you are doing and don't apply too much pressure because you could do more harm than good. I light touch is best. I have a small foam mattress pad covered in soft velour for them to lie on. You don't want them lying on a cold hard floor. Remember learn this from someone that has a license and is willing to teach you. Don't learn this on your own. You could do more harm than good.


Monday, January 25, 2016

I Have My Coffee, Let's Conversate



Hey! I'm like totally back to blogging again. YES!!! I KNOW, RIGHT?!? It's so scary! Anywho, I needed to step away from the computer for a while. But we all know how terribly awkward that is. I was only able to stay away for a day and then I had to check my facebook and twitter pals. It's so weird how shit just keeps on going without you. I was on Pinterest moving stuff around on my boards and adding some pins, yadda yadda yadda.

Anywho, David and I did something that we don't normally do on a weekend. We went out to IHop for breakfast and then we both went to the new HEB to grocery shop. YES!!! I KNOW RIGHT?!? It's scary to think that I actually went grocery shopping with my husband. But I was able to go check out the newly built HEB and to find out where everything was. It's so BIG, sooooo chock full of stuff that we won't have to go to Wally World to get anything that HEB didn't carry because they carry it all now.

I was was like, "Oh lookie yonder there and oh lookie here." Poor David rolled his eyes so hard he got a glimpse of his brain. He DID!  I was throwing so much shit into the cart faster than David could put it back.  By the time we came to the checkout, we had a full cart and the total went well over $100.00. He was pissed but I did show him how to shop better. I have to do everything myself sometimes.
We also caught up on some more of our shows and a few things on Netflix we wanted to see. We also got to watch two of the best football games in a long time, considering David thinks Dallas (cringing at the thought) is the best. I think it just burned a hole in my laptop screen. I can't say if I like the Carolina Panthers more or the Denver Broncos. It's a tie. Both have great defense and quarterbacks. It's going to be a fun game for Superbowl 50.

Well, I have to grab the puppies and run them over to the Doggie Park. They just love that place. More tomorrow on "What I did on my one week vacation."





Friday, January 22, 2016

Friday, January 15, 2016

Time Out

Hey everyone. I know, I don't usually blog on Fridays, but I need to let y'all know I'm going to be taking some time off. I don't know for how long I'll be gone. I just need a time out, not a vacation, just time to think. I'm hoping that things will resolve themselves soon. Please take care and I'll see y'all later.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Almost Abby Normal


Well, everything went quite well for my back injections on Tuesday. I had the S1, L5 and L4 done. It hurt like a mother when I got stuck with the needles but in the long run, it was worth it. I went in with a pain level of 8-9 and walked out feeling higher than a kite. David had a few errands to run while he was waiting and returned just in time to see me come out to recovery. They had given me a Valium before I went in and I had taken 2 of my Hydrocodones before arriving at the Surgical Center. They were aware that I had taken some of my pain meds because I told them. Yet, they gave me Valium. WTF!! I was higher than a kite when I got out of the OR. My oxygen was waaaaaay below the normal numbers. I kept setting off the alarms, but I couldn't help it. I was relaxed, and when I'm relaxed like that I forget to breathe. David kept trying to keep me awake and breathing. and the nurses said I wasn't going to be able to leave unless I brought my oxygen level up above 95. It took quite a while. I finally got it up to 96 and the nurse said I could get dressed and go home. Finally. 
Well, I'm nearly back to normal now. My pain level is down to a 4. It really hasn't moved since last evening. So that's a good thing. I wish the pain was completely gone, but that's the only thing that lets me know I'm still alive. No, it wouldn't remind me that I might be in hell, Satan and his demons have several restraining orders against me at this moment. The really good thing is that I'm able to stand longer than 5 minutes at a time and sit longer than 10 minutes. It's great to be able to do stuff like walk without so much pain in my legs and back. It's wonderful. 
OMG! Ok, I'm listening to the TV news and they have just announced the Oscar Noms for 2016. I sware, if Leo doesn't get an Oscar this time around then there is definitely someone on the take. How many times can someone go on in life without a golden dildo as an award? I ask you what does it take to get one? Or better yet, the big question in LA is where can I buy one? Just asking...




Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Monday, January 11, 2016

It's Monday Buzz


I'm late posting today, I know, I know, but we finally got the ROKU for our TV and David and I finally got to catch up on Longmire. When fucking A&E dropped them after their third year we were NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
The last episode we saw was when Branch (Walt Longmire's deputy and running opponent for Sheriff) was talking to his dad. They both had shotguns in their hands and then you see Longmire getting off his horse at home and hearing a loud gunshot. What we wanted to know was who shot who or really who killed who. But all that was up in the air when the season ended on that cliff hanger. We never got to find out because Longmire was never renewed for a 4th season. Assholes at fucking A&E threw the series to the dogs and Netflix picked it up. We never got to see what happened until this past weekend. So we finally did and we are one with the Universe again *sigh* and I slept in this morning because of lack of sleep. 
And now for something completely different.
Anywho, last week Friday I saw my pain doctor for my back, he recommended that I have another Facet Injection. So Tomorrow afternoon at 1PM I go in for Bilateral Lumbar Facet Injections on L5 and L4 and possibly L3 if the films indicate it. I should be walking out by 3 in the afternoon. It's done in an outpatient surgical hospital, which is practically down the street from the main hospital. When I get out I have to put ice on the injection area on my back to bring down the swelling and pain. Yes, it is a bit of a painful procedure.
Otherwise, if nothing goes wrong, I'll be up and around by Wednesday morning hopefully feeling no pain. I do have to say I am a bit nervous. After all, they could get it wrong and I'd come out walking backwards.


Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Tuesday! Yeah, The Ugly Sister

OY!! It's been fucking cold here in Texas. Y'all up north don't give a shit, I know, but it's fucking cold just the same. I have 2 puppies in front of the heater and one shivering under a blanket behind me on my chair. I turned on my heating pad that's planted firmly on my lower back so Lucy will stop shaking soon, I hope. The good thing is that it will warm up for 3 or 4 days and then it will get really cold, possibly freezing next week. Yay! Oh, for a nice heavy snowfall. Yeah! Like that's ever going to happen here.
Ok, as y'all know, David is finally back at work after 2 weeks off. I have to say it wasn't a total loss. I had him doing a few things around the house for me because of the rainy weather and a slow moving cold front that made it impossible for me to lift or bend over to pick up even a towel off of the floor. Yeah! My back had me throwing back pain pills like they were candy, but I got no relief. It was that bad. So I have an appointment to see my pain specialist on Friday to determine if I need to go back into the outpatient surgical unit to get more injections. It's been a while since my last injections so I'm due for more. Right now it's not so bad. Hmm. I wonder if my pain is from David being home too long. There is a chance that it could be just psychosomatic. Naaaaaaah!
Well, while David was home, he went out and took advantage of the post-holiday sales and got a great deal on a flat screen tv with a sound bar for the living room so I can watch tv in there instead of going into the bedroom all of the time. Thing is, I don't really watch tv that much. I do turn it on, but it's only to hear music on the music channels. It kind of pissed him off. So while he was home I watched reruns of Game of Thrones, which, got him involved in it too. He set up the DVR to tape GOT so he could watch it the next day. That is what he did most of the time. Not one time did that tv hit a Maury or Jerry Springer show. I was amazed. 
I laid on the couch on the heating pad half listening to him asking me questions and commenting while I was flipping through Pinterest on my laptop. I also added 1100 more followers on my Pinterest page over the holidays. Yes! I couldn't believe it! No, I didn't bribe anyone. I added some new boards also. So I'm in the process of cleaning up my boards and putting things in their proper places. David says I need to join Pinners Anonymous or I need a Pintervention. But the thing is, I only pin when I'm bored shitless or when I'm out of money for retail therapy. At least, you can say Pinterest keeps me out of jail. What more does he want? Shit! 
SW7
Oh, I meant to tell you all yesterday, but I forgot. Remember last week Tuesday I said David and I were going up to Austin to see his daughter and to see the new Star Wars 7 movie? Well, it was a fun day I can say this much. The directions that David printed out were really conflicting with where we were to go. We only had to turn around once and take the right exit turn once. Yeah! He got pissed with ME. ME! I didn't print out that shit, he did. I was only reading out loud to him what was printed. Don't ever get lost with your husband, they don't ask for directions and refuse to admit that they are lost. Also, you will be blamed for everything when he loses his cool and gets mad when you ask the helpful driver next to you at a way to long red stop light for directions in Austin. Yeah! I did! And the directions were much more helpful than that fucking piece of shit my husband printed. Thank you very much to the kind woman in the black Lexus next to the hopelessly lost crazy ranting husband and woman in the white Honda Accord. We found our destination on time, 10 minutes before the movie was supposed to start.
Anywho, we finally got to The Movie House to see the movie. Those seats you see above are way cooler than they look. There is a button to recline them or sit up. There is a call button to call a waiter/waitress to your seat number(see red dot next to 16 on lower right side of picture above) for anything on the menu during the movie. It's like a dream. You are given the check near the end of the movie so when the movie is over you just review it and sign it when the lights come up. If you are thinking of skipping out on the check, think again. They have your info when you pay for the tickets. But let me tell you, those seats are AWESOME!! It was like a zero-gravity seat for me. I felt no pain in my lower back what-so-ever! It was a blessing! I was able to sit through the whole fucking movie, which was pretty fucking awesome too, without any pain at all. Because of the seats, I was able to get home soon after before the pain started up again and pop my pain pills. The Movie House was a wonderful experience and I highly recommend y'all going to one if you ever have the chance. Just don't take your husband, who couldn't find his nose even in the dark!

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