Religion in a Nutshell

Something to Make You Laugh

I was reading my email and I love reading Reshareworthy.com stuff. There is so much from around the web on there that is inspiring or funny or just whatever. Well, I opened this story about this Scottish woman who goes by the name of TheFlyingPigSquadron on Reddit. I read the following and nearly died because I couldn't catch my breath from laughing. I've just added her to my must-reads every morning. Y'all have to read this.

TIFU by flicking my hair

submitted 1 year ago* by TheFlyingPigSquadronx9

So this morning I jumped in the shower and decided to wash my hair. I have very long and curly hair that reaches midway down my back. However, once its wet the curls straighten out and my hair almost reaches my bum.

So hair is wet, shampooing done and I just need to rinse. I tip my head back and flip my hair over my shoulder ala shampoo adverts everywhere. And feel something brush against the top of my bum. Being the mature and logical gal I am, I came to the one and only possible conclusion.

Spider

With a scream a howler monkey would be proud of, boobs flying and looking like some sort of demented mermaid, I attempted to flee the shower stall. And promptly acquired a new skill; the ability to do the splits.

This in itself was a spectacular feat of physics as there isn't actually enough room in my bathroom for a toddler to do the splits, never-mind a 5'9" half drowned rat. As a result, when my leading foot came into contact with the toilet pedestal my body was launched back along the floor towards the shower. This left me wedged between the toilet and the shower tray.

Where I was abruptly bitch-slapped by the shower door.

One trip to A&E later and I have a sprained ankle, a fractured ankle, two broken toes, a beautiful rainbow of bruises in some interesting places and a partridge in a pear tree.

TL, DR: Upon learning that my hair now reaches my bum I; preformed gymnastics worthy of Rio, made the laws of physics my bitch and took a guided tour of the local hospital.

UPDATE: So because I’m a special little unicorn my broken toes and fractured ankle are on opposite feet therefore I’m now rockin a bitchin new wheelchair (well not new, it’s the NHS and its Scotland). Also my flat is upstairs so it might as well be on Everest, so I’m at my parents bungalow until my sprain is well enough for me to find another way to fuck it up.

I’ve had the wheelchair for about 6hrs now and have bounced it off every door frame in the house and scuffed two of the walls (don’t tell my mother). After about 2hrs of me bouncing around like a ping pong ball my mum got the shits with me and told me to go and annoy my younger brother, who is playing xbox in the living room. So after letting him have a go on the chair and basically pissing about, he says 3 little words that have resulted in this update.

“Do a wheelie”

Fucking challenge accepted. I give it a go and end up tipping the chair backwards, arse over tits (which I’m sure would, again, be flying if they hadn’t been secured in a locked and upright position) and cracking my head on the fireplace. I’m now on my back doing the world’s worst impression of an upside down turtle with a cast and now a head wound. My 19yr old, apparently adult brother is trying to crawl to the bathroom before pisses himself laughing.

So now I’m back in A&E waiting to get glued back together.

TL, DR: Was challenged to a wheelchair wheelie which resulted in; me becoming gravity's bitch again, a grown man almost wetting himself and a second guided tour of A&E.

UPDATE 2: No I haven’t injured myself again. So after seeing the same Dr I saw during my first trip in, I thankfully don’t have a skull fracture or concussion. I’ve just split the skin which was fixed with glue and tape because apparently medical and art supplies are the same thing. I’m also back in the wheelchair as the very wise Dr felt “crutches would just be asking for it”. He’s not wrong I full admit I would have attempted to swing from them and/or use them as pirate swords. Though most likely both.

So I thought I’d check Reddit on the way home and holy shit. I was not expecting this response!! I just thought a few people would stop to point and laugh at the clumsy twat and move on. I caught wee bro before he left for work and showed him, he told me “you need to tell them the freezer story, that was just fucking insane”. So after I’ve caught some sleep, read all the comments etc, I may write that one up if anyone is interested. So to all of you who took the time to read this and those of you who commented thank you.

Also, thank you to the person who gilded this I have no idea what that means but I’m fucking excited about it. As soon as I figure out how to figure out who did it your name will be up here in shiny lights, or black and white at least.

EDIT: I've been given two reddit gold? I didn't know you could have more than one. So I'd like to thank /u/i_pk_pjers_i for one Reddit Gold and I'm still trying to figure out who my second came from. Also I promise to write up my escapade with the freezer once I've had some sleep.

EDIT 2: Holy shit batman, I can not believe the response this has gotten. Seriously people thank you, I've read through a good majority of your comments and some have made me peeing myself. I'm not sure if I'll be able to respond to everyone but I will try. However, before I do, I just have to thank /u/mariusbalaban and /u/HaikuSorrow as well as two others who are currently anonymous for the reddit golds.

Also for those who are interested I'll be posting my freezer story as soon as I finish this edit.

Wet Dog Wednesday

The Crazy Witch's Day Book

How I'm Feeling today:

I have my voice back again but it still changes now and then. Finally, I can speak on the phone but it makes my throat dry out and I start coughing and hacking like a heavy chain smoker. Shit, any movement makes me cough and hack, I just have to remember what the doctor told me to do. But I feel so much better. The prednisone pills are definitely working for me.
What is going on outside:

Today is beautiful and I'm watching the sun creep over the trees, slight breeze in the air is keeping it a morning pleasant. The roses are going fucking crazy blooming all over the place. The pecan trees are blooming too, Before long, David will be hacking like I am now. He bought this house with two giant pecan trees in the front yard. I love them but he gets bad pollen allergies in the spring. I just get bad colds that turn into bronchitis now and then.
What I'm doing:

I'm finishing the laundry today. I washed my pillows and now they are in the dryer. I love fresh pillows and I'm happy that I can wash them. David never heard of that. Believe me, it's great to have fresh smelling pillows when you change the linens only I wash my pillows once a month with that new Lysol laundry sanitizer for washing clothes. Great stuff. Right now I'm watching Hunt For Red October. I love that movie. Read all the Tom Clancy books too. I liked how they were never boring.
What I'm making for dinner:

When I made Jewish Penicillin for myself, with David's help three days ago, I decided to keep the chicken meat for later use and for the puppies dinners. It was a very meaty fryer that I used for the chicken soup, although I didn't put any meat in the broth. I thought about using the breast meat for chicken salad and maybe whatever I felt like eating.
Well, tonight I'm making shredded chicken chunk fricassee on rice with a side of carrot medallions. I won't be making the chicken fricassee with regular chicken gravy. I'm making it with a delicate garlic and button mushroom slices white sauce with fresh peas. I'm hoping to change David's mind on fricassee once and for all. He hates it. But I'm thinking he will love this. We will see.

Monday

I'm posting late again, sorry. I'm getting over a really bad cold again. Does it count to say it's a blue moon cold because this is the second one in almost 4 weeks? Anywho, I finally got my voice back, partially a whisper and I'm not feeling like I'm gonna pass out everytime I stand. I actually changed bed linens and washed 2 loads of laundry this morning. My hacking and coughing kept David up at night. I finally went to the Texas Med Clinic on Sunday because I had trouble breathing. 

When I told Lucy to go attack daddy for me so I could get his attention. That didn't work. Lucy did jump up onto him and nearly licked him to death. He finally saw me wandering down the hallway bouncing off the walls, dizzy and having trouble breathing. I was dressed. I half whispered let's go to the clinic. I was wheezing harder than an asthmatic during a heavy spring pollen season. David said I was sounding and looking like a walker(zombie) from The Walking Dead. He preregistered me into the place and when We got there, nobody was in the waiting room. I was amazed. I was quickly put into a room and vital signs were taken. The doc came in listened to my complaint, listened to my lungs, had the nurse set me up with a breathing treatment, doc came back after the treatment and listened to my lungs and bronchial tubes and said I"m in the middle of a really bad cold right now and the doctor also said to come back and see her if this endless fucking coughing doesn't end by Tuesday. Yadda, yadda, boom. I'm back home coughing up a lung while David is on the internet again. Right now, today, I'm much better, a little out of breath, no wheezing, my voice cracks like a 15-year-old boy but I feel much better. 

David was home for a 4-day weekend and didn't tell me so I wasn't able to make a list of shit for him to do. The man hates yard work but he has a fascinating array or water sprinklers, last I counted was 7, I like the one that looks like a farm tractor. Really strange. He did get my car inspected. That was nice because it would have been on my list. Most of the weekend he put his earphones on so he couldn't hear he hacking up a fucking lung or some other organ in the bedroom. I did find a way to get him to do something. I realized long ago the phone in the bedroom has a very loud very bothersome warble to call on the intercom on its sister phone. It's annoying as hell but it works because the other phone sits directly next to his desk. Scared the dog shit outta him because he didn't know what it was. It gets louder and louder too. I like it.

Anywho, that was the reason I haven't been on some of the blogs because this shortness of breath made it quite hard for me to get around to reading. I'm trying to catch up on everything so please give me time. Oh, and I was looking back on my blogging entries during my earlier years. I was such a snarky bitch. But I remember I used to post the Witch"s Day Book. I'm going to be doing that again. I have finally exhausted almost every Hockey meme there possibly is. So, I'm bringing up that day book. Well, David is back from wandering around outside and I have laundry to finish. Ciao Y'all. Play nice and have a magical day.

Religion in a Nutshell

Late Post

Last night was bad. We have been having thunderstorms all day yesterday and that meant Lucy was on me shaking. She hates thunder and fireworks. I was able to calm her down when I sang to her. But last night was bad. We usually just have one storm and then it's gone but this time the storm stream was right over us. Storm after storm developed and went. Lucy was going crazy. I was tired and grumpy from a bad cold I was fighting and I took it out on her. I made her leave the bedroom. As far as David told me this morning, she slept in the hallway outside our bedroom door all night.

Poor baby. I felt so bad this morning so I called her into the bedroom to sleep with me when David got up at fucking too early o'clock. She refused, so I went and got her to let her know I was sorry for kicking her out. She slept with me up until almost 11:30. She is sleeping again beside me on the couch as I'm blogging and skimming the web. I think she forgave me because we shared a bacon and egg brunch.

David is celebrating 46 years with Hexcel. He gets to pick his gifts so he picked an Apple Ipad, JBL Bluetooth headphones, and a freezable koozie for soda. I wanted the JBL headphones and he got the Ipad. Which is cool because I like listening to my music while I'm walking around the house and this is a wireless headphone. So cool. I can also shut David out when he bothers me during his vacation. 

Well, I have some laundry to get to so y'all play nice and have a magical day.

Wet Cat Wednesday