The Crazy Witch's Daybook

My mood :    I should make this my usual mood since I seem to be  zobified all the time after the weekend. Oh Fuckit!! Who am I kidding. I feel like this all the time. Lately all I want to do is sleep too. I can't seem to shake this shit and I don't want to tell my doctor cause he'll put me on yet another pill of some sort. I'm thinking it's the weather cause I seem to be this way when it get's hot.

What's happening at Casa de Loco: Nothing right now. I just got back from taking the puppies on "an adventure" Yeppers, their idea of "an adventure" at least. I take them out for a little ride in the car around the block. If by chance I decide to let them out at the dog park one day when no one is there, it would blow their little doggie minds. Right now they are all outside chasing squirrels while the temp is in the low 80's.

David and I had a bit of fun with ice cream. No, nothing kinky, so get your minds out of the damned gutter. He found an old ice cream maker from a long time ago when his daughter was little. So he cleaned it up and we went on the web and found a few vanilla ice cream recipes to try. None of them tasted good. We even tried store bought ice cream starter in a box but it was yucky. So David is going to see what his co-worker/friend's recipe for ice cream is.

David is back to work, thank the goddess. He pretty much behaved himself and let me alone. He remembered to turn down the sound during Jerry Springer and Maury. I don't understand how an educated man, that he is, can watch this trash TV.  How can he stand this shit? It's so scripted cause half the time these people don't know what the fuck they're saying and then that stupid bell rings for the fight to begin just like Pavlov's dogs they mindlessly go at each other. It's completely mind numbing.

Anywho, David also did a few things to make himself usefull. Let's see, he put new brake pads on my car, only the front. I stayed outside to watch so he wouldn't cut my brake lines. He finally moved some of the rocks that he stupidly bought without asking me  to the other side of the house and put them where I wanted them because the Bitch's cats from across the street keep using  the side garden for their litter box.

I have been fighting back by slinging the cat shit back into her yard with a small shovel. That bitch was told by the city that she can't have cats anymore because she won't have them spayed or neutered. But yet she went and put collars on two of them that she keeps hiding in her house when the Animal Control comes around. AC can't pick up the cats if they have tags. But the tags belonged to her dogs and the AC don't know that. This woman knows how to get around the rules. But I plan on calling AC later today to report her because she let a stray momma cat have kittens in her house and now the cat is preggers again.

In regards to my fat fluffy ass: I did gain about 3 pounds with the ice cream. Not too happy about that. I've been doing my back exorcises religiously every morning and night to get my back into good working order. Only one problem. Last night while I was doing dishes, My lower back popped for no reason and it hurt like a sonofabitch too. It felt like I popped another bone spur. Been hurting ever since. I really need to go lay down for a bit and I will in due time.

What I'm reading: Well everyone's blogs, that's what. Brandon over at My Own Private Idaho is a laugh. You Have to check him out. He's having problems with the hicks in Utah. David has dealt with them too. He had to visit for an audit at one of the Plants he deals with on a daily basis.

What I need to do today: Well wash clothes cause I didn't do it Saturday. And then Sunday we went on a road trip. So I will be doing house work and then maybe I can lay down for a bit before dinner.

What I've Been Up To

Sorry I have been MIA for this past week but having the hubster home and driving me up the fucking wall all week is taking up all my damned time. Well that and doing house work and cleaning up after him and the puppies.  Then  going with him on little road trips to New Braunfels to find his favorite Summer Sausage and giving him directions on driving through town even though he has lived in this part of Texas all his fucking life and still has no idea how to get around in NB. Having him yell at me in the car when he takes the wrong turn. Shooting his silly ass because he was yelling at me because he wasn't paying attention when I told him to take a right turn at this next light, etc...etc...etc.

I can say one good thing. I haven't had to call 911 yet to report that I need an ambulance because he repeatedly ran backwards into the knife I was holding behind him. Nine times. That's right, I've been restraining myself from becoming a widow. Besides I'd look tacky in black from head to toe.


On the other great side. He has been letting me sleep as late as I want. I feel like a lazy rich bitch. But hey,  I'm still having trouble getting to sleep at all at night. He knows how bad it is for me and I love him to death for his understanding. The Fibro is kicking my fluffy fat ass.  The only thing kicking Fibro's butt is my Gabapentin and Hydrocodone. Thank the Goddess for great drugs.

I did get him to finish some shit that I have wanted him to do outside that he has been passing up. I think it's because I ask him to do this or that.  So I have to turn the tables so to speak and use reversed psychology on him. If I can make him think he came up with the idea then he goes fucking hog shit wild on doing chores I needed him to do. Whatever lights his farts, ya know.

One thing I got David to do was paint the inside of the cabinet under the sink. I wanted to show him how much brighter it would look. Also to get him to think about refinishing the outsides of the cabinets, sanding them down  and painting them and replacing the hardware. Just to make it brighter. That kitchen is so fucking dark and dreary. Whoever thought of putting up dark brown fake paneling in a kitchen should be tied spread eagled to steaks on a fire ant hill and smeared with honey. Must have been an unmarried man.

Anywho, David thought about it and finally agreed with me. Fuck a duck! I need to somehow get him to think about recessed lighting with LEDs and chuck that fucking ceiling fan in there. I hate that thing and it was a stupid idea to put it in there. The only things we will need to buy for the kitchen makeover is the LED lighting, paint, shelf paper, glass tiles for the back splash, the concrete counter top, cabinet hardware, and the flooring. We are going to save about $10 or $15 grand because we have already new appliances and we will be doing this all ourselves. Just like we did the rest of the house. Hopefully this makeover won't take two years to complete.

Please, Just Shoot My Ass Now

I need a good friend with a gun and a steady hand. Yes, someone to fuckin shoot my poor fluffy fat ass right now before Friday afternoon. That's the time David will be home at the start of a whole week off for the Fourth of July Holiday. Every year he gets a certain amount of weeks off paid holiday and this will be one of them.

You know what that means?  Yeppers, I will be responsible for any and all appendages and blood spilling that happens for the next nine days and nights. Oh yes, it's my turn to watch him.

The last time he had time off from a holiday was when he lopped off his pointer finger at the second knuckle while attempting to make Adirondack chairs, which he never finished. Personally I still need to sell that saw. I don't know what he is going to get into this coming week so I better be on my toes. This is going to be exhausting.

How To Put A Grill Together And Not Kill Your Spouse

Over the weekend David went to Home Desperate and bought a grill and opted to put it together himself.  Wrong judgement on his part. First off, it's a nice little grill. Standard size with no extra bells or whistles. Just two burners and the little button from hell, that when pushed, lights the bitch and you in a rolling ball of butane flames.  Shit, he might as well bought a habachi instead.


He brought it home and unloaded all the parts onto the patio table and floor, noting each and every part on the booklet to make sure he wasn't shorted a part. Pleased that everything was accounted for, he began putting it together. I came out on the back patio steps to sit in the nice cool shade, sipping a Pepsi and watch while the potatoes were on to boil for potato salad.


David is very accomplished in doing things like this. He's great at putting things together. He reads the directions like his life depends on them. Just don't let him fix anything that has to do with plumbing. But I digress. I was back inside by the time he put it all together. He was quite pleased and called me to come out to see his handiwork. 


The grill was really nice looking. He had everything all hooked up and ready to go, until he went to light it up. He turned on the two knobs for the burners and pushed the starter button to light it. No ignition. Nada. Nada damned thing happened. He tried to get the igniting button to ignite the butane again and again. No go. 


It was a bit breezy out so I told him to wait a bit before hitting the button to let the gas build up. He did that but no light. So I came out with the lighter we kept around for the regular grill to light the coals. He grabbed it from me and told me to step back. He tried to light it but nothing happened.


I sort of picked up on the problem when I noticed no butane smell while I was near it. 
Me: Um, sweetheart? Did you read the directions for the tank?
David: YES SWEETIE!!! he's a bit perturbed at this point.
Me: Are you sure? I mean they....
David: YES I READ THEM COMPLETELY! Now please go back inside and let me figure this out.
Me: Hokey dokey smokey.


So I went back inside and watched from the media room while he slogged to figure out why he couldn't light the grill with an empty butane tank. It took a minute ...mmkay more like 20 minutes before he took the butane canister off and went to the corner store to exchange it for a filled one. But he did figure it out and we did finally have our BBQ. Dinner was nice but quiet except for when he kept telling me to shut up because that sly little smirk would show up on my lips now and then.

The Crazy Witches Daybook

Outside my window I see a dusting of clean white ice/snow. That won't last long because the kids have no school today due to the icy road conditions. Unless the parents keep them inside and I don't see that happening if they want to keep their sanity.

I am thinking I'm up shit creek today because David doesn't have to go to work. That means a whole day of , yes, you guessed it, Jerry Springer. Did you know that Rat Bastard has an internet site? Springer all day 24/7.

I am thankful for the rolling brownouts here in Texas. Outages mean internet server will be down all day. I hope.

From the kitchen, it will be pizza tonight for dinner. I don't cook on Fridays and if there is freezing rain that doubles the non cooking factor.

I am wearing my baby pink sweats, size 3X, cause I like my comfort clothes extra large. And my Killer Bunny Rabbit slippers with the teeth painted red for the bloody effect.

I am going to curl up in a blanket on the couch and read a book.

I am hoping for David's sake, that he will not bother me too much with having to tell me about today's episode of Springer.

I am hearing absolutely nothing because I have barricaded myself in the bedroom for some peace.

Pictures of the Great Dusting Snow/Ice Storm of 2011:
The top two pictures are from the front porch.You can see the road and sidewalk are covered in ice/snow. The bottom one is looking out the back door to the courtyard.

I Think I Won, Again

Ahhh yes. The wonderful, magical life of the married Texas Witch. Yes, not a day goes by that isn't fully entertaining.



David: * rummaging around the wall key holder*
Me: *reading emails on Little Hal in the living room, not looking up I say* "What's up babe? Whatcha need?"
David: "Nothing." *looking worried, still rummaging*
Me: "Well obviously something is wrong. Whatcha lookin for?"
David: *stops rummaging* "Well if you must know, I locked my keys in the truck after I cleaned out the glove compartment.
Me: *not fazed by this* "Did you remember to put a new pad and two new pens in there?"
David: *checking his wallet* "No"
Me: "Well you better do it. Remember the accident? Nobody had pens or paper."
David:  "Do you have my other key to the truck?"
Me: "Nope. I thought it was on your desk." *smiling*
David: *coming from the media room, goes outside, comes back in jingling keys*
Me: "You got the keys?" *not looking up from my Freecell game, but I have a smug look on my face**
David: "Yep. You tell me. What would you do if you were stuck out on some lonely road and you accidentally locked the keys in your car and I was at work."
Me: *smiling, I say without missing a beat* "I'd call you at work and ask you to go get the extra set of my keys hanging in the kitchen and bring them to me out on said lonely road ... dear"
Me: * still smiling* "Anything else?"
David: "NO!" *trudges off to the media room to watch some sport on TV*

I guess I won... again.

Finally He Went to Work

YES!!! YES!!! YES!!
WOW!!!  That felt like the restaurant scene from "When Harry Met Sally" for a moment there.
Anywho, David went to work and I'm dancing my happy little dance here. Now I can do stuff around the house without him bugging me so much.

Now some of you are saying out there that I will miss him if he dies. But believe me when I say this, I love my sweetie very much ... it's just that he drives me bat shit crazy when he's home like this for the holidays.

The bad thing is that I'll have to endure two more whole weeks of him being off when December 20th comes up. A whole two more freaking WEEKS my minions !!! He won't be going back until next year.  Maybe I should get to the liquor store early to stock up.

Happy B-Day My Love

David, the love of my life, hubby/plaything, and my target for laughter is celebrating his birthday today. Yes, he made another trip around the sun, minus a small piece of his index finger on his right hand this past summer. See past posts for full stories. Stubby/hubby/plaything turned 57. Yeah he's ancient but what can I say, someone has to take care of him. If he's not trying to flood the house or electrocute himself by changing a light bulb or cutting off appendages with a table saw... I just have to keep my eye on him when he's home.
He took the day off from the office so that means I need to watch him. I should train the puppies to do that. To alert me if he gets to doing something that might be dangerous...

Spunky: Woof woof woof!!!
Me: Whats that boy? Daddy's down the well?
Spunky: Woof!
Me: And he's got the table saw with him??!?
Spunky: WOOF!! WOOF!!
Me: And he's changing a light bulb down there??
Spunky: WOOF!
Me: Timmy's with him?
Spunky: WOOF!
Me:  And Lassie too??

Practical Magic

Back in May of 2002,  I was in my back yard in El Paso, Texas. It was a full moon that night. I was off for a few days from work. I was reflecting on my past. Wishing I hadn't waited so long to find someone in my life to spend my days and nights with. My job came first and I was not dating anyone. I was lonely and very unhappy. I wanted to find my dream man.

I had seen Practical Magic on DVD.  I loved that movie. It is the ultimate chick flick. I remembered a scene out of it when Sally is performing the Amas Veritas, true love spell. I thought I would do it. As I walked through my mom's garden picking different petals off of flowers, I asked for these qualities.

1. He must have a great sense of humor.

2. He must be a Renaissance man, able to do anything he sets his mind to.

3. He must be of good standing in his community.

4. He must possess an open mind and not judge harshly.

5. He will have green eyes

6. And light brown hair.

7. Be of tall stature

8. Be gentle and kind

9. Love animals

10. Be able to love me for me and nothing else

Then a strong wind came up as they always do in Northeast El Paso and I threw the flower petals in the wind.

I had been talking to David on line in a Pogo.com  room with other friends. I never saw him face to face. He was always going off to other rooms to play with his other friends. One night when we were online we started talking about ourselves,besides the usual basketball and topics of the day.  I learned from a mutual friend of ours that David secretly wanted to meet me. She told me that she and David would meet to have lunch on Sundays in Austin. All he ever talked about was Kitten this(my nickname), Kitten that. She said that if I didn't meet him soon he might just bust a gut or something. That he was crazy about me. All I could think of was how can anyone be crazy about someone they never met yet. I told her I couldn't meet him because he was married. Right there she started laughing. He was divorced. She said I had to really talk to him that he was the nicest guy she ever met.

David and I started talking more and more every night. He said he had to meet me and asked what I was doing that weekend. I told him I was working and had the weekend off. All he said was great. Then that Thursday night he said he was going to be in El Paso to see me. I was dumbfounded. and nervous as hell.
I met David face to face on a Friday night June 7th of 2002 after work and never left him until Monday morning June 10th. It was love at first site. He was everything I had asked for in my Spell. I was totally amazed. He proposed to me that Sunday night before he left to go back to his hometown here in Texas. He returned and kidnapped me 2 weeks later and we were married in September. All because of a love spell.

Sometimes I wondered in the past 8 years with David that it was the spell that made him come to me and not just chance. He said he didn't care if it was the love spell or not. He said he has never been disappointed in me yet. When we go places we still hold hands and even kiss in public. I know it sounds all mushy but it's the honest truth. We still act as if we just got married.

He loves to go shopping with me. In fact we go everywhere together. We have one night a week that we call our date night. That night is usually dinner out and or a movie. He has a very open mind. He isn't religious but he doesn't mind the fact that he has a witch for a wife. He said he would never marry again after his last marriage ended in divorce. Then he met me. Things change. I often think back on that night in my mom's garden ... how that little spell got me all this happiness.