Day 1 Of My Incarceration

Today is Monday. Yes, yes it is and this is officially my first real day of incarceration. Yes, David starts his July 4th vacation today.  This means I have to come running when he wants to show me something on the web. Yeah, he's like me. Don't get me wrong here. We both love to web surf the web like crazy, but his surfing is interrupted with bouts of Jerry Springer and Maury.

I don't mind the fact that he watches this crap, but he tends to play it LOUD. So loud that I have trouble concentrating. Even with my earphones on I can hear that shit. So just like last time, I'm taking up refuge in the living room away from the noise. But I will have company because the puppies follow mommy everywhere.

Anywho, I had him take down the broken bird feeder from the pecan tree Saturday. He also cut the pecan tree branches from the power line to the house. Today, he has an appointment with the CT machine for his left kidney. I'm hoping there is nothing wrong but you never know. Other than that David is going to be maxin and relaxin all week long unless he goes to Home Desperate to drool.

Sunday evening, I made a dump cake for dessert. Yes, I know, I know. I fucking love to bake. But last night I was tired. So, I dumped blueberry pie filling and 2 cups of fresh blueberries. Then I dumped the yellow cake mix, dry, from the box over the berries and topped the dry cake mix with thin sliced pats of butter. Throw the whole thing into a 350-degree oven for 50 minutes, or until the butter is melted into the dry mix and created a cookie topping that is lightly browned.

Well, while we were watching "Gone Girl" on HBO Demand, The fucking fire alarm went off. That fucker is loud. The puppies came running from the kitchen. and they were shaking their heads because of the loud screaming of the alarm. It was very offensive to their ears.

There wasn't a single thing on fire. Not even a billowing of smoke. It was the heat in the room next to the kitchen that had the alarm going off. It was just too fucking hot in there, so we turned the window AC on to cool off the room. I never heard the end of that episode either. David kept saying I had conjured up the fires of Hell to bake that fucking dump cake.

I think I'm going to have to look for a grave site, buy some duct tape, and find his shovel out in his shed. I have the tarp, so I'm just about set. David might have a very short vacation.

Monday Morning Shit to Warp Your Mind

This is one of my favorite holiday seasons besides Halloween. Why, you ask? Silly question. It's because this is my most favorite time to give my oven a workout. Yes. Yes, it is. It's the time of the season that I love as you all know.

I have two dozen rum balls rumming, 1 pan of frozen brownies waiting to be thawed and frosted, two rum cakes fermenting, and enough rolls of frozen cookie dough to feed the world, cha cha cha!

Meanwhile on the Jerry Springer Show

Other than that David is home for the week. As long as I can keep him from watching trashy TV like Jerry Springer or the Syfy channel, yes, the Syfy channel. Oh you say why the fucking Syfy channel? Well this is why! The movies that are on during the day are just plain awful! Yes! Yes, they are! It's like these actors are so fucking bad. I told David once that the actors on these lousy movies are porno has beens' that can't do porn anymore because of fourteen year old's that have taken over their place. Now he watches the movies to see if he can identify someone.

Here are a few of the titles of these block buster movies.

Mongolian Death Worm

Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpents

Stonados

Sharktopus

Piranahaconda

Yeah pathetic, I know. What can I say.

Oh! This is for all of you. 

Vickie from http://www.aoibhealslair.com/ asked me what comment total am I at now for this little comments contest I'm having. Well Vickie, your last comment was #2531. Which means I'm at #2534 as of this blogging time. Yeppers, we are not even fucking close to the 5000 comments that I want to get to before the end of this year. I might just have to call it off because only five people comment and I get like 20 to 25 looks a day. That's just plain pitiful. I'm going to have to think about this for a bit. I really don't want to call off a contest because of only 5 comments a day.  

Well, I have to get ready for my doctor's appointment. Later I'm making David take me to dinner. I'll be blogging all week with my usual memes and then on Friday I'll be talking with you again.

My 4th Of July Week In Hell

David finally went back to work this morning. YAY! I'm left all alone to my own devices today. Yes all alone. Should I break out in song at any moment, then please, feel free to slap me upside the head once or twice.

Anywho, David drove me crazy. Yes, yes he did. From his casual sauntering up to me to ask me out to dinner at inopportune times, like when I'm doing laundry or blogging. To the constant knocking on the walls in order to get the puppies to bark. he said he was waking up the termites.

 Then there was the Maury and Jerry Springer TV laced with really, really BAD science fiction TV movies on the Syfy Channel. Yes.  All Trash TV all day. In between this shit he mowed the lawn, took out the trash, killed three red wasp hives, sprayed inside and outside the house to kill bugs. Then it was time for more Trash TV.

Then I got his mind or what was left of it off the TV for a while. He had been trying to get his Fitbit to sync with his computer since his daughter gave it to him for Father's Day. It just wouldn't do it.

So I told him to put it on my mini laptop. David installed it and tried to sync it but it wouldn't sync the info on the Fitbit to the computer. I asked, ummm, can I see the Fitbit for a minute. I took it out of its rubber casing and asked him how far away can this thing be from the computer to sync? He said 20 feet. I said to try it now as I layed it down next to the sync link. He said he tried that and nothing came of it. I kept badgering him to press the fucking sync button. He finally did and, VOILA! It worked.

"You never took it out of its case, did you? You never set the little bastid  next to the sync link, did you?"
And all this time he's letting out a meek  "no".  And then he asked, "ya wanna go out to dinner?"

I'm the fucking Queen Of Fucking Everything!!!

I'm Good!

The Crazy Witch's Daybook

My mood: I feel vivacious today. David went back to work, yes, yes he did. I already cleaned house and started laundry. I feel liberated from the tyranny of Maury, Jerry and stupid movies all day long that he watched.

You wouldn't believe me if I told you the stupid shit that was on TV last week and this week that I saw him watching. One was "Dude, Where's My Car?" I know that it's a cult film but shit almighty. David is not a stupid man and yet he loves to watch trashy shit on the TV. So I am very greatfull  he is gone for the rest of the week until the weekend. Then it will be another round of Trash TV. Shit! Just kill me now.

What my silly ass is up to right now: I was looking for funny books to order for my Christmas present. My step daughter and David both gave me very generous Amazon credit cards. I was trolling the books lists and came upon this, "Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook". What is so damned funny is the video when you scroll down to the book's description. You've just got to play that video.
http://www.amazon.com/Fifty-Shades-Chicken-Parody-Cookbook/dp/0385345224/ref=lp_86_1_9?ie=UTF8&qid=1357054656&sr=1-9
It's way too funny.

Crazy shit I need to do today: Other than Amazon shopping, cleaning house has been a sport this morning. I'm walking around without my walker now and have graduated to my cane. But with all the crap that I've been having to carry and move it's been a bit of a sport trying to stay upright and not fall over and crack a hole in the floor with my fat ass. That's right I'm not using the cane. I'm walking without any help except the walls, chairs and other strategically set out items to keep me from falling. I walk like an off balanced old lady of 90. I swear!

Hey, before you scream at my lame ass for being so stupid, my arms are full of things I'm putting away. David didn't so much as touch a single dust rag, broom, vacuum or mop the whole week and two days he was home. The dust bunnies are getting ready for their next family reunion and I'm constantly picking up all the toys the puppies keep dragging out to play with. Only I can put a stop to the chaos and madness around here! Where's my cape? I must have put it in the last wash load. Crap! I need to lighten up on the pain killers. I'm seeing crazy shit again.

It's Monday And It Sucks

Well David is home today, still. Yeppers it's a four day weekend for him. The stinker! So most of the day I'll be spending time outside hiding from Maury and Jerry Springer - all fucking day long! The man is crazy for trash TV. I don't get it. What is the attraction? It's so mindless. Sort of like Jersey Shore.


Besides sitting at his desk watching TV in the media room, he plays around with his computer and plays videos and shit so fucking loud that people can hear it down the street. 


I'll find something to do though. I have my Little Hal to keep me company and plenty of blogs to read  and catch up on so I won't get bored.

Christmas Eve And My Seventh Day Of Incarceration

I hate when He's home. David is beginning to drive me up the wall now. Yesterday I tried to stay busy by baking cookies. He pretty much stayed out of my way. What irks the shit out of me is that he watches trash TV all day long. And it blares from the media room like he thinks the whole neighborhood needs to hear this crap.

I had to stop reading my romance novel and close the windows because it was so annoying for the neighbors to hear. Then I had to explain that common sense says these dumb asses are paid to act this way on these programs. They are recruited from trailer parks in Kentucky [no offense] to come on the show and coached to do this crap. People are not this stupid or this ugly in real life. Of coarse he won't believe me so I let him be.

I went back to my cookie baking and reading my romance novel, knowing this stuff is for real.