Friday Funny

Friday Funny

LOOK!!  Dumb and Dumber

A good ol' East Texas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from East Texas a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

Friday Funny ~ Twelve Days Of Christmas

Friday Funny

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."      

Friday Funny

A Bad Day

There I was sitting at a bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late for a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have insurance. I left my wallet in the cab that I took. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Friday Funny

Friday Funny

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?  Well, here’'s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the  tandem story.  The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the  person sitting to his or  her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the  story.The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been  written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary - last names deleted.

---

STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) 
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of  Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

---

(Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon  4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.  Harris to  Geostation 17," he said into his trans-galactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

---

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he  felt one last pang of regret  for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.She stared out  the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree,  with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

---

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie, and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can’t allow this!  I’m going to veto that treaty!  Let’'s blow ‘em out of the sky!"

---

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

---

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you’'re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no. I'’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many  Mills &  Boon  novels."

---

(Rebecca)
Asshole!

---

(Gary)
Bitch!

---

(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

Friday Funny

You know you're getting old 

when you go to an antiques auction 

and three people bid on you.

Friday Funny

 I couldn't help but show y'all this video. It had me laughing so hard I nearly wet myself. Enjoy!

Friday Funny

Friday Funny

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 out west to where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." 

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word".

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that he'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'.

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister is blonde. She'll read it slowly."

Friday Funny

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Friday Funny

        It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to do the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Rose. 

        When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Rose to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

        I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

        Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days.

        That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

        When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she's making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Rose.

        I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this  article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

UPDATE: Ron died suddenly on October 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Rose was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Friday Funny

Friday Funny

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
 One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
 "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you."
The husband texted back to her:   

"I'm on the toilet.    Please advise."

Friday Funny

 Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet  for lunch in a wine bar.

 Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of  Pinot Grigio.

 Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required  ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

 Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and  boots. She too shares the wine.

 Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating  from Princeton in Classics, she met and married  Timothy, with whom she  has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New  York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth  Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama  school. They have a  second home in Phoenix.

 Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and  became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street  investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second  home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables.
 Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his  penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours  later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart.
They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home.
They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Friday Funny

Friday Funny

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year  old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.
The next day, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
He explained, "as there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around" he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,  and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"Guess I was really  into it, y'know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached  him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Deputy Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's  just humping away at this pumpkin."
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ...
"I said,  excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Shit  ... is it midnight already?"

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10, and sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

Friday Funny

Clean-up On Aisle 5 Please!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they
carry-on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's
half the price."

Friday Funny