Tickle Me Tuesday

Friday Funny

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year  old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.
The next day, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
He explained, "as there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around" he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,  and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"Guess I was really  into it, y'know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached  him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Deputy Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's  just humping away at this pumpkin."
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ...
"I said,  excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Shit  ... is it midnight already?"

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10, and sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

Friday Funny

Clean-up On Aisle 5 Please!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they
carry-on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's
half the price."

Friday Funny

Friday Funny

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two people

showed up to be interviewed for the job. One of them was 

a retired fireman in his late sixties and the other was a
gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner sits them down and tells them, 

"I'm not going to sugar-coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He
ate my last tamer so you two had better be good, or you're 

history. Here's your equipment - chair, a whip, and a gun. 

Who wants to try out first?"

The young woman says, "I'll go first." She walks past the 

chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the

lion's cage.

The lion notices her entry and starts to snarl and pant. 

He roars and begins to charge her. About halfway there,
the blonde throws open her coat revealing her beautiful 

naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, drops down on his belly 

and sheepishly crawls up to her. He starts licking her feet 

and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for
several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired fireman and asks, 

"Can you top that?"

The tough old smoke-eater replies, "No problem, just get that 

lion out of there."

Tickle Me Tuesday

Tickle Me Tuesday

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked
her
husband who just got home from work.   "No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her
blouse...and slowly  reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky
push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her .....and smiled
approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked
her
husband?  "Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his
voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively
reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty
Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation..

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $30,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and
excited).

"Well, go look in the garage!"...she said

Friday Funny

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,  'Hello?'  'Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'  'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'  After a brief pause,  Daddy says,  'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'  'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'  Brief Pause.  'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'  'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'  A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.  'I did it, Daddy.'  'And what happened, honey?'  'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.  Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'  'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'  'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.' Long Pause  Longer Pause  Even Longer Pause  Then Daddy says,  'Swimming pool? ...........  Is this 486-5731?'  No, I think you have the wrong number ...

Friday Funny

 A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."