MY MINIONS

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Warning! - This Blog May Contain:

violence, terrible grammar, gratuitous sex, strong odors, seed porn, and possibly improper French

Thursday, May 30, 2013

I Got The Liebster Award!!


I just got the Liebster not lobster, come on people, wake up Award!! I'm all a giddy. Thank you Barbara over at A Whole Lot of Coffee and A Little Bit of Crazy.

She described what Liebster means
"The meaning: Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome."
Which my blog and I are nothing like that BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA! But it's close.

Anywho, there are a few things I have to do if I choose to do so.
 11 Random Facts About Me:

1. I can't drive a stick. To me it's like chewing gum and walking at the same time. I can't do that either. I'm blond. Give me a break.
2. I have a crush on Tom Hiddleston. I LOVE his smile and his voice is like velvet to me. WOOOOOOOO DOWGGIES!
3. I'm a procrastinator. I put things off until the last millisecond.
4. I hate being late for an appointment. I think it's because I was incessantly late for school and the kids would laugh when the teacher called me on it.
5. I hate being embarrassed. David does it to me all the time when his daughter comes for a visit. He always tells her something silly shit I did that past week.
6. I hate Grape flavored things like candy or drinks. How do they know grapes taste like that.
7. I love frozen seedless green grapes. It's like eating ice cold candy on a hot summer day.
8. I hate shopping for clothes in a store. They never have my size or the colors I like. Salmon is not a color, it's a fish with a fetish for swimming up stream and being caught in midair by bears.
9. I would love to take a cruise to the Bahamas but with all the nasty shit happening lately with the ships, forget it.
10. I hate warm tap water. I have to have distilled water on ice. I'm fussy that way. I think it's from an old wives tale my brother told me. He said fish fuck in it.
11. I love walking around all day in my old scrubs from when I worked in the lab. They feel like PJ's. Very soft. Those and my Killer Rabbit slippers from The Holy Grail.

Okay, Barbara has questions for me to answer:

Do you find blogging hard?  Not really, I just post what I feel I need to get out of my head before it incinerates my brain. Otherwise I post stuff I think is hilarious and should be shared to make someone's day.

Do you blog daily? I try to blog everyday but sometimes my aches and pains keep me out of commission.

Does blogging interfere with your personal life? Oh hell no. On the contrary my personal life interferes with my blogging. That and Pinterest. And Facebook, yes Facebook.

Do you judge other blogs against your own? Not really. Sometimes I'll ask where they got something that is on their blog because it makes it look bitchin. But I don't judge. Everyone has their own taste. It's cool.

Do you stick to one theme in your blog? Basically yes, comedy. it's got to make you either giggle or spew coffee all over your laptop and laugh until your eyes stream blood, or something close to it.

What is your biggest pet peeve? Actually it's when I see an abused animal, or someone beating a dog because it wouldn't come to them. The dog has it's reasons. It doesn't want to be hurt again.

What is your Achilles Heel? When my baby girl Lucy (my Boston Terrier) comes to me asking for some biscuits. She puts on this big brown eye face with her ears pulled back. She makes herself look like a starving waif. I can never say no to her. She's just so sweet.

Do you blog and regret a post? I haven't yet. In fact sometimes I've wanted to add to something I've posted. 

Are you a Facebook addict? Facebook??? Me??? An addict??? Surely you jest. In reality, yes. In my dreams or fantasies, HELL YEAH!  Really, I keep a running tab open on there. 

Could you live without your cell phone? Please! Well, actually, yes. I have an LG flip phone I use only for an emergency or when the home phone(through lovely Time Warner) loses contact. I did want the Galaxy s4, but David said no on that idea. He didn't want HIS butt dialing 911. The man has no ass to speak of so like how would it dial anything.

What is the greatest technological advance? I would have to say computers in general. I remember when they were big and bulky. Now you can take a laptop or pad with you where ever you go.

Wow! This is a long blog post. Anywho, on going along with this schtick. I need to nominate 11 bloggers with less than 200 stalkers followers. Like I know that many people with less than 200 stalkers. So I'm giving this damned award to everybody that deserves to be tortured.
And the nominees are:

Ramblings of The Wicked Witch of The North
40 and Loving It
Merlin's Magical Mistress
She Who Seeks
My Own Private Idaho
Rue and Hyssop
Dreaming of Rosemary
Green Witch With Sprinkles
Kelley's Break Room
Yeah, Good Times
Pickleope

Now my nominees would normally have to answer some questions that I write down here for them, but I ain't gonna. So now it's up to y'all to do what I did. That's if you want to.



Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Fuck It

Fuck it!!
It's been a loooooong weekend.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Friday, May 24, 2013

Funny Friday


Thursday, May 23, 2013

Fat Thug Kitchen!??

So this morning I was polluting the shit out of pollinating my mind with cool shit stuff from The Realm Of The Magical Web when I came upon this shit thing.

Like WTF OMG!! Is this supposed to be from the Fat Thug Kitchen?! Shit Dang!

 













                                                                 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

My Brain, It Hurts!!

I'm sorry my friends but I'm not a really big fan of that Bieber kid. I guess it's cause he looks and sounds too much like a girl. Shit I don't know.

This morning I was watching the tornado damage of Oklahoma on various channels. I was flipping innocently through them when I came upon "The Dreaded E Channel". Yeah the one in the same that literally sucks the intelligence right from your brain and turns you into a Walker(zombie).

For some reason my channel changer button stopped working. I slapped the living fuck out of the controller and then beat it to shit but it wouldn't work. I suddenly knew what happened I was sucked into the "E ZONE", que the eerie music.

So I thought maybe the batteries wore out, hee hee. Never you mind. So I went to get fresh batteries. But when I came back ... He was on. The Spawn of Evil Squeaky Girlie Songs. Yes that Bieber kid and his fucking weird hair.

It was an "E Story" of his life so far. Like EWWWWWWWWWWW!! How the fuck did this happen??! I was shouting HURRY BITCH! PUT THE BATTERIES IN BEFORE YOU BECOME WALKER BATE! Yeah, well something like that.

But it was too late. he started singing. My ears began to bleed My eyes where bulging from my skull. I couldn't find the off button so I ran screaming in pain to the kitchen and put my face under water.

After I cleaned off the blood and pushed the brain matter back in through my ears. I quickly ran back to the bedroom and slammed the door shut. The room was now possessed  How would I ever explain this to David.
SHIT!  SHIT!  SHIT!

I waited, fidgeting and pacing in the courtyard. When would it be over. Was it on for one or two hours. How long can they drag this crap out? It was after two hours that I finally decided it was safe to re-enter the bedroom and turn off the TV. But there she was that LOHAN WOMAN!
OH MY BRAIN!!   IT HURTS!!   THE PAIN!!!




Monday, May 20, 2013

The Grizzly Details

About a week and a half ago, I left a note here saying I was going to be out of commission for a while due to back problems. Part of that was true. In fact I still do have lower back and sciatic pain and I'm taking pain killers for that. But I also had a brief bout with kidney pain too.

I have been fighting a bladder infection off and on for over a year now because the nurses cathed me when I was in the hospital for my left knee replacement. That's how I caught the bitch of a bug and she just won't go away no matter what I hit her ass with. Well I finally thought I got rid of it when the kidney pain started. Yeah, the bitch moved on up, to the East Side, as the song goes. I went to my family doctor and he ran a UA and blood tests and said I had a UTI, No Shit Sherlock! So he gave me antibiotics and sent me home. This was Wednesday.

Well about 12 hours later I was pissing blood. Not too much but just enough to make me take notice and call my doctor's cell to which he said get to the hospital. Mind you this was a bit scary. They took me in the ER right away because my doctor alerted them. I was put in bed with IV's in both arms, which I thought was a little too much. You only see this crazy shit on HOUSE.

They flushed out my system and gave me some heavy duty butt kicking antibiotics. I was there for about 4 days before I got antsy and they sent me home with bed rest and more antibiotics.

I'm okay now. I'm completely off caffeine. No cola's, no tea, no coffee, and no sugary drinks, just plain water to drink. My kidney doctor, I'll call him that cause that's what he does, Said I have to drink approximately 1500 to 2000 ml's ( 8 to 10 - 8oz glasses) of water a day. So that means my beloved coffee and tea went to my neighbor's home. She'll enjoy it. It's good stuff.

A few things about all this, I have never been so fucking tired in my whole life. I slept more than I would if I was sleep deprived. The UA blood was just a tiny bit. I never bled anymore after that episode. All tests proved negative for Kidney Disease. So that means I'm safe for now - if I take good care of myself. I go this Friday for final blood and UA  tests to see if all is good with my world. We shall see.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Friday, May 17, 2013

Quick Note

I'll be posting all the grizzly details about my pseudo vacation for the past week and a half on Monday. Yes, inquiring minds want to know.

Funny Demotivational Friday

David lives for that "kaCHUNK" noise.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

BWAAAHAHAHAAHAHAAAHAAHAAAA!

I think I'm back. But not too sure at this moment. You see, I been sick. As in left kidney infection sick.

Yeah, at first I thought it was just a severe back ache. I was in bed for a couple of days with the heating pad on and off and then it got worse.

So bad that I was in the hospital for a few days. I won't go into too many details and bore the shit out of y'all.  Just be happy that I don't torture you today. BWAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAAHAAAA!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Sorry my dears. But my back is acting up due to the humidity and threat of rain. I will be off until I feel better again and the pain is to a minimum.
I love the fuck out of you all!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Monday, May 6, 2013

The Real Laws of Nature:




Law of Mechanical Repair 
-After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
 
Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers 
- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.


Supermarket Law 
- As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.


Variation Law 
- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.


Law of the Bath 
- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings or someone has to come in and pee, namely small children.

Law of Close Encounters 
-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result 
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics 
-The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater or Sports Arena
- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law
- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
-The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument
-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance 
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy 
-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

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