Halloween Begins

Monday, July 28, 2014

Gluten Free

I got into a heated discussion over the weekend with a friend all about what is gluten and why do people suffer from celiac disease. He said it was a fake deal, that people are just trying to get sympathy. I had a few choice words for him. Needless to say, I told him to do some research and then we'll talk.

But on the lighter side of things, I'm all for poking fun now and then. So don't hold this against me.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Friday Funny

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year  old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.
The next day, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
He explained, "as there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around" he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,  and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"Guess I was really  into it, y'know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached  him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Deputy Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's  just humping away at this pumpkin."
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ...
"I said,  excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Shit  ... is it midnight already?"

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10, and sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Tuesday Is Monday's Ugly Sister

Yesterday I was much too tired to do anything including schlep my ass to the computer and write. My heart just wasn't in it. Sorry but back pain was kicking my ass again all weekend.

David pulled a three day weekender on me last Friday and I was at his mercy. Yes, yes I was. But it didn't last long. I made him go out and mow the lawn, clean the roof off of all those leaves and dead pecan branches, and clean the gutters. He did a great job too! SOOOO proud. Aahahahahaahaaaa!!!

Well, I think you noticed the coffee IV bag. Yeah, that's for me. I need that bag of caffeine bad. David left me a large gift this morning before he went to work. Oh yes. A big mother of a spider that he tried to kill with bug spray. Like that's gonna kill something that fucking big. This spider was from the hood! It had an AK-47 laying next to it and various knives and a machete. YES! A fucking machete the length of my finger nail. Yes! And the spider was still trying to pull itself to safety, screaming for his ol' lady to come to his aide. Yeah, right. Not in my home dude! I grabbed the fly swatter and scooped it up and flicked it to the street. The birds screamed BREAKFAST and had a feast. I would have toasted the bugger, but David won't let me use the Master Blaster anymore. He's afraid I'll lose control and torch the house. He has no confidence in me.
Such an amateur!

Friday, July 18, 2014

Time Off

David has a whole butt load of vacation time still to kill. So he took the day off. He is in the process of kidnapping me and the puppies and we are going to Goddess knows where for the weekend.

Y'all have a great weekend. 

Monday, July 14, 2014

Lucy's Day

Lucy, after a day out.

Yesterday was Lucy's day with daddy. Yes, David took her everywhere he went. First it was to Home Desperate for a new hose because the one hooked up to a mega sprinkler blew up. So he went to get something bigger and better. Yeah, he's the Tim Allen of central Texas. If you have read some of my previous blog entries about David's exploits around the house and trips to Home Desperate, then you would know what I'm talking about.

Anywho Lucy was his sidekick for the day. She enjoyed the shit out of herself too. Going everywhere with her daddy was a great treat. When they left together she had her paws on the dashboard and a smile from ear to ear. They were gone for about an hour and a half, so that gave me time to get a few things done before they came back.
I turned her over and rigor mortis set in
When they got back, Lucy was tired. She barely dragged her tired ass into the house. She came into the bedroom while I was changing bed linens, and jumped into bed and plopped down like she was dead dog tired. Poor thing. She finally fell asleep. Soooooo tired.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Proof : Women Are Smarter

Cost of Services

A married couple is travelling by car to visit family. After almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. “But we didn’t use them,” the husband said. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have enjoyed one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says. “But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
“But ma’am,  this is made out for only $50.00.”
“That’s correct.   I charged you  $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.
“But I didn’t” exclaims the Manager.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

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