Day 1 Of My Incarceration

Today is Monday. Yes, yes it is and this is officially my first real day of incarceration. Yes, David starts his July 4th vacation today.  This means I have to come running when he wants to show me something on the web. Yeah, he's like me. Don't get me wrong here. We both love to web surf the web like crazy, but his surfing is interrupted with bouts of Jerry Springer and Maury.

I don't mind the fact that he watches this crap, but he tends to play it LOUD. So loud that I have trouble concentrating. Even with my earphones on I can hear that shit. So just like last time, I'm taking up refuge in the living room away from the noise. But I will have company because the puppies follow mommy everywhere.

Anywho, I had him take down the broken bird feeder from the pecan tree Saturday. He also cut the pecan tree branches from the power line to the house. Today, he has an appointment with the CT machine for his left kidney. I'm hoping there is nothing wrong but you never know. Other than that David is going to be maxin and relaxin all week long unless he goes to Home Desperate to drool.

Sunday evening, I made a dump cake for dessert. Yes, I know, I know. I fucking love to bake. But last night I was tired. So, I dumped blueberry pie filling and 2 cups of fresh blueberries. Then I dumped the yellow cake mix, dry, from the box over the berries and topped the dry cake mix with thin sliced pats of butter. Throw the whole thing into a 350-degree oven for 50 minutes, or until the butter is melted into the dry mix and created a cookie topping that is lightly browned.

Well, while we were watching "Gone Girl" on HBO Demand, The fucking fire alarm went off. That fucker is loud. The puppies came running from the kitchen. and they were shaking their heads because of the loud screaming of the alarm. It was very offensive to their ears.

There wasn't a single thing on fire. Not even a billowing of smoke. It was the heat in the room next to the kitchen that had the alarm going off. It was just too fucking hot in there, so we turned the window AC on to cool off the room. I never heard the end of that episode either. David kept saying I had conjured up the fires of Hell to bake that fucking dump cake.

I think I'm going to have to look for a grave site, buy some duct tape, and find his shovel out in his shed. I have the tarp, so I'm just about set. David might have a very short vacation.

Tuesday Is Monday's Ugly Sister

Yesterday I was much too tired to do anything including schlep my ass to the computer and write. My heart just wasn't in it. Sorry but back pain was kicking my ass again all weekend.

David pulled a three day weekender on me last Friday and I was at his mercy. Yes, yes I was. But it didn't last long. I made him go out and mow the lawn, clean the roof off of all those leaves and dead pecan branches, and clean the gutters. He did a great job too! SOOOO proud. Aahahahahaahaaaa!!!

Well, I think you noticed the coffee IV bag. Yeah, that's for me. I need that bag of caffeine bad. David left me a large gift this morning before he went to work. Oh yes. A big mother of a spider that he tried to kill with bug spray. Like that's gonna kill something that fucking big. This spider was from the hood! It had an AK-47 laying next to it and various knives and a machete. YES! A fucking machete the length of my finger nail. Yes! And the spider was still trying to pull itself to safety, screaming for his ol' lady to come to his aide. Yeah, right. Not in my home dude! I grabbed the fly swatter and scooped it up and flicked it to the street. The birds screamed BREAKFAST and had a feast. I would have toasted the bugger, but David won't let me use the Master Blaster anymore. He's afraid I'll lose control and torch the house. He has no confidence in me.

Such an amateur!

Why Me!

Yeah, this is how I look and feel right now. David just told me his week long vacation starts on Monday. yay!   
Anywho, I am in the throws of WTF. I need to make a looooooong list of shit for him to do in order to stay out of my way and above all not bother me. Maybe pulling weeds. Otherwise, I may have to invest in duct tape and lots and lots of rope.
NO!!!  REALLY!!!
I'm not kidding here. I am totally serious about this.

If the sexy beast asks me just once where do I want this or that item put, I WILL HURT HIM, bad, and it won't be pretty. Also, there will not be any daytime crap TV. Just sayin . . .

Monday Morning Shit to Warp Your Mind

This is one of my favorite holiday seasons besides Halloween. Why, you ask? Silly question. It's because this is my most favorite time to give my oven a workout. Yes. Yes, it is. It's the time of the season that I love as you all know.

I have two dozen rum balls rumming, 1 pan of frozen brownies waiting to be thawed and frosted, two rum cakes fermenting, and enough rolls of frozen cookie dough to feed the world, cha cha cha!

Meanwhile on the Jerry Springer Show

Other than that David is home for the week. As long as I can keep him from watching trashy TV like Jerry Springer or the Syfy channel, yes, the Syfy channel. Oh you say why the fucking Syfy channel? Well this is why! The movies that are on during the day are just plain awful! Yes! Yes, they are! It's like these actors are so fucking bad. I told David once that the actors on these lousy movies are porno has beens' that can't do porn anymore because of fourteen year old's that have taken over their place. Now he watches the movies to see if he can identify someone.

Here are a few of the titles of these block buster movies.

Mongolian Death Worm

Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpents

Stonados

Sharktopus

Piranahaconda

Yeah pathetic, I know. What can I say.

Oh! This is for all of you. 

Vickie from http://www.aoibhealslair.com/ asked me what comment total am I at now for this little comments contest I'm having. Well Vickie, your last comment was #2531. Which means I'm at #2534 as of this blogging time. Yeppers, we are not even fucking close to the 5000 comments that I want to get to before the end of this year. I might just have to call it off because only five people comment and I get like 20 to 25 looks a day. That's just plain pitiful. I'm going to have to think about this for a bit. I really don't want to call off a contest because of only 5 comments a day.  

Well, I have to get ready for my doctor's appointment. Later I'm making David take me to dinner. I'll be blogging all week with my usual memes and then on Friday I'll be talking with you again.