Friday Funny

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."      

Friday Funny

 Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet  for lunch in a wine bar.

 Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of  Pinot Grigio.

 Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required  ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

 Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and  boots. She too shares the wine.

 Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating  from Princeton in Classics, she met and married  Timothy, with whom she  has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New  York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth  Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama  school. They have a  second home in Phoenix.

 Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and  became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street  investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second  home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables.
 Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his  penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours  later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart.
They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home.
They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Proof : Women Are Smarter

Cost of Services

A married couple is travelling by car to visit family. After almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. “But we didn’t use them,” the husband said. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have enjoyed one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says. “But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
“But ma’am,  this is made out for only $50.00.”
“That’s correct.   I charged you  $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.
“But I didn’t” exclaims the Manager.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Tickle Me Tuesday

Tickle Me Tuesday

Tickle Me Tuesday

Yes, it's an old joke but when you have a cartoon about it, it makes it even funnier.

Friday Funny

My husband, David sent this cute e-mail to me yesterday. I could tell he was bored silly because I got five e-mails from him in the stretch of three hours. He was in a meeting at the time. My slave works soooooo hard.

 MISPLACED MY GLASSES

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the folks there. I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. 

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club. 

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief! Where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club. Not a Parachute Club."

"Oh boy, I'm in trouble again. I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week and prepaid!"

The line went quiet, and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

Friday Funny

An old man and woman were  married for many years, even though they hated each other. 
Whenever  there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the  night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and  out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your  life!"

 Neighbors feared him.

 They believed he practiced magic  because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.  
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  To everyone's  relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed  casket at the funeral. 
After the burial, she went straight to the  local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her  neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may  indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of  your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said,

"Let  him dig.  I had him buried face down. 
And I know he won't ask  for directions."

Funny Friday

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.  It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.  The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.  "HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.  "HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.  "HE paid for your season tickets for the Cowboys. "HE paid for our house at the lake.  "HE paid for our country club membership, and "HE even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?" The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."

Friday Funny

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the beltway outside Washington, D.C. Nothing was moving.  Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."