MY MINIONS

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violence, terrible grammar, gratuitous sex, strong odors, seed porn, and possibly improper French

Monday, January 4, 2016

I Feel All Brand New


Yay!! A brand new year has finally come for us all to fuck mess up. I feel like a born-again Christian ready to sin my ass off!. WOW! 2016! All brand new and shiny. 

Thank you, everyone, for your New Years wishes and Happy New Year to y'all. David finally went back to work this morning. YES!! YES HE DID!! I survived!! It's so fucking quiet around here. I got some stuff done early. Laundry is done and the house is clean. That means I'll have the whole day to do absofuckinglutely nothing. All the kids in the neighborhood are gone too. The puppies are taking their recharging nap right now. It's like time stopped. The quiet is so nice. So quiet.
MMmmkay, let's get to all the good stuff first. How many of you noticed all the news and morning talk shows showing their all too fucking bothersome "Let's talk fitness and eating right" portion of the programs? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Well, I did. Don't they know we're tired of that shit? We can look up stuff like that on Youtube. I'm starting a rant. I better stop before I get myself into trouble again.


Oh hells bells. Why not nip this bitch in the bud and get right to it. Has anyone ever noticed how these exercise enthusiasts are so fucking HAPPY but not jittery? These people come on TV talking 700mph wide eyed and bushy tailed like their asses were on fire. They can go for hours even days. That's because they have drugs on their side. No, not hormones that are pumping through their veins from exercising. What do you think is getting them all wired up. I'm talking that fucking fun drug, Adderall, YES!! Mommy's other little helper. No, not this mommy. Well, once, a long time ago. In a galaxy far, far away. Just check one of them silly fuckers out when they come on TV. Just do it. Fuck, I sound like a Nike commercial.

It's hard to believe that we just finished Thanksgiving and Christmas. I feel like it was all combined into one big fat fucking holiday. Thanksmas. YES!! Why the hell don't we just make it one big fat holiday and get it the fuck out of the way. Most of us eat big on both holidays anyway so why not. Then for midnight on New Years, we can all pop from the over eating. YEAH! One big happy fucking blowout. YES! All us fat people blowing up. It'll be our fucking Fat Rapture. Then the happy healthnuts can promote their new workout videos to each other.


4 comments:

  1. whewww..you sure you aren't still on adderall? haha! i can't believe the holidays are over. i feel like they never happened. i didn't bake one single cookie and the world did not end...go figure! now i have a wedding to look forward to and we made the playoffs so all is right with my world!

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  2. Captain America is proud of your swearwords-free post!

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  3. Haha yeah baby! Let us eat cake and them kale!

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  4. I just assume all of the fitness freaks are snorting coke. I mean, you have to substitute eating with some other addiction, right?

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let 'er rip

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