MY MINIONS

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Thursday, January 23, 2014

I'm Back

I feel like shit but from this fibromyalgia crap that has invaded my life the past few days. Personally I think it's mostly my joints and muscles are playing havoc just because they want to get even for a rotten way I treated them as a youngster. 

Anywho, my pain doctor gave me something to keep it all in check and it's working fine for now. While I was hiding from the world, I had programmed some blog posts just in case something like this would kill me, that or the flu, whichever was lucky enough. Hope the posts kept you all entertained. 

Speaking of entertainment, I found this while I was floating around in Amazon.com. I never laughed so hard in my life. This is just some one of the many, many customer reviews I found on this product. Some sound like fiction, of coarse.  But apparently these people don't know what Lycasin is and what it does. They obviously didn't read the information for the product. You have to read most of it to understand the reviews and why these people all suffered the bad side effects.

Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag
by Haribo
  550 customer reviews  | 82 answered questions
Price: $48.95 ($0.61 / oz)
In Stock.
Ships from and sold by CandyCo.
One 5-pound bag containing approximately 1080 pieces
Fat-free and sugar-free; sweetened with Lycasin
Five real fruit flavors
Jewel-like sparkling clear colors
An international favorite
This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess
5 new from $32.00

Important Information
Safety Warning
Consumption of some sugar-free candies may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect.  Individual tolerance will vary.  If this is the first time you’ve tried these candies, we recommend beginning with one-fourth of a serving size or less. Made with Lycasin, a sugar alcohol. As with other sugar alcohols, people sensitive to this substance may experience upset stomachs.

Legal Disclaimer
Actual product packaging and materials may contain more and different information than what is shown on our website. We recommend that you do not rely solely on the information presented and that you always read labels, warnings, and directions before using or consuming a product. Please see our full disclaimer below.


Customer Reviews
Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag

Average Customer Review
3.2 out of 5 stars (550 customer reviews)
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30,908 of 31,339 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate., October 3, 2012
By Christine E. Torok (Pennsylvania) - See all my reviews
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.
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9,022 of 9,319 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Ideal Gift For Your Congressional Representatives, October 3, 2013
By DeleriouslyHappyTaxPayer - See all my reviews
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
The reviews are so helpful. It is so difficult to be sure you are buying something over the internet that is exactley what you are searching for.
.
I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.
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3,094 of 3,426 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Westboro Baptist Church After Dinner Fondants, January 9, 2014
By TrueBrit (Dunstable) - See all my reviews
(TOP 1000 REVIEWER)   
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
I bought one order for the Westboro Baptist Church as a donation because we all know how much God hates irregularity.
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Comment Comments (16)

5 comments:

  1. Oh, I laughed at this! I had the same experience the first time I encountered sorbitol. Now I avoid those types of artificial sweeteners like the plague!

    Brilliant idea to send these gummy bears as "gifts" to Congress and Westboro Baptist Church, LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Glad you are back and feeling in the *pink* LOL!! Yeah I know, shut up Vickie, you are just making it worse, LOL!! Anyway, yes. I miss you when you aren't here!

    As for the Gummi Bears, Tanya got a 5lb bag of them for Yule. She eats these things all the time with no ill side affects. The Amazon reviews had me laughing so hard I almost fell outta my chair.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. OMG!

    One of my favoruite Amazon reviews is this one for a "back massager".

    http://www.amazon.com/Wahl-4120-600-Powerful-Therapeutic-Massager/product-reviews/B006NXRD44/ref=sr_1_2_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

    ReplyDelete
  4. Glad you're back. Hopefully your condition improves.
    These reviews have to be fake, like this is some sort of Reddit prank. I think it's when the person says "But (or should I say BUTT)". Or the fact that no human being can take down an entire 5 pound bag of gummi product in a single sitting. They are funny, though.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I absolutely love that first review!!! Shes an awesome writer to be so detailed without being gross and infuse the whole thing with humor!!!

    ReplyDelete

let 'er rip

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