Friday Funny

Quick Note

Sorry, I'm running late but it's a bit cold today. I woke up late and in pain. David let me sleep late so I'm not complaining. We went up to Austin to spend Christmas with my step-daughter and we just got back yesterday. Since her divorce, she's done quite well for herself. She's living in a beautiful condo and she looks quite happy.  David and I were a bit worried about her but she's doing very well. We went out to lunch yesterday at El Patio which has the BEST Mexican food by far that I have ever had at any restaurant. If y'all are ever in Austin Texas, go there for lunch or dinner. You'll be well fed and leave fat and sassy.

Mmkay, I finally got my fingerless gloves that I ordered from Amazon. They're Copper Compression gloves and they're wonderful. My hands aren't as stiff or painful anymore which helps so much when I'm trying to do things around the house. I wish there was a compression glove for my body. Oy!! Yes!! Yes I do! This morning when I finally got up I thought I was in a body cast because my body was so stiff and the pain was beyond what I normally experience. It was pretty bad. Took me nearly half an hour before I could move. Thank the Goddess for my pain meds. That's another item. If I seem to ramble it's because I'm hopped up on my pain meds today.

I'm cutting this short. I'm going to go lie down for a while with my heating pad and read. I hope all y'all are doing fine.

Wet Cat Wednesday - Christmas New Years Edition

Holiday Feast

Music For This Festive Yule Season

I wanted to share a little music with you all on this most wonderful Yule. I hope you like it. David and I will be celebrating in Austin. Have a wonderful Yuletide everyone.

Friday Funny

Dear Santa:

Apparently, my letter to you last year failed to arrive as you did not grant my Christmas wish. You did not take the evil cat with you after you dropped off the presents.

It occurred to me that maybe you didn’t want to take the cat, given his predilection for doing basically nothing, day after day. I get that. Who wants to put up with that insolence? If that’s the case, I completely understand so I have a few different requests this year.

Please don’t bring any more babies. The one you brought on Christmas last year has grown enormously and has become very loud indeed. He’s attempting to walk on two legs now so there is no safe place in this house for me to take a nap. I basically have to sleep with one eye open so I can move out of the way when the little drooler lurches in my direction, swaying side to side like a drunk with his hands in the air.

But don’t get me wrong. I like the boy, especially when he tries to feed himself. The spaghetti and the cheerios go all over the place and I scarf them up and that is big fun for both of us. So don’t take the kid back. Just the cat.

In case you need further convincing, I want you to know that I have suffered the feline subjugation for many years now and I fear for my sanity. Based on my observations, I am convinced that the cat is a serial killer, of mice and insects and basically anything that moves. He lives to kill. Perhaps the boy is in danger.

And no more babies, please remember that. One is enough right now.

I am not asking you for toys or rawhide. I’m not asking for big fat steaks. I’ll even forgo the request for lady dogs to move into the ‘hood. I just want my domain back the way it was before they brought Mr. Meow-Meow home to terrorize us all.

So, Santa, could you please just leave the door open after you leave? Could you do that for me, Santa? I beg of you. However, in the event that you actually enter and leave through the chimney and not the door, I would like to point out that you are exerting way too much energy entering and exiting the premises. If you would prefer, I would be happy to share with you where the secret key is hidden (under the mat) so that you could land the sleigh on the front lawn and come in like a regular burglar and exit through the same door which you can leave ajar so the cat can escape. Deal?

One last thing, Santa. Could you bring some toys for the boy? Maybe a stuffed cat so he won’t miss the real thing after you free the cat from the confines of this home. And no more babies, please remember that. One is enough right now.

Thank you, Santa. I won’t eat your cookies this year if I can control myself when no one is looking.

Nigel, the dog

My Assumptions Were Validated

Our incoming trump is an illiterate, ADHD riddled, idiot. That is my assumption after talking with a friend who happens to be a Behavioral Scientist who seems to agree with me when I brought the subject up yesterday at lunch. She said if you follow his speech pattern when he changes the subject ever so slightly when faced with a difficult question that he doesn't understand, or the fact that trump will ad lib by way of adding his own words because the word on the teleprompter is too difficult to read, or misspells a simple word and has a limited vocabulary while tweeting. Then yeah. That validates my first thought about the incoming president. Other than that he's a spoiled 70ish man-child that will be the leader of the free world and we are going to be black sooty smudges one morning because he made China mad by poking the Panda a little too much.

Wet Dog Wednesday-Christmas Edition

This and That

Well, it's official. That dumbass trump won the electoral college yesterday so he is going to be the next president.  What makes me really pissed is that Texas was the icing on the cake. Yes, these Republican ass wiping rat bastards went and wrote him in. So! As of now, I will not recognize him as my president because he's going to probably kill us by provoking China. He will remain Trump, not Mr, not president, but just plain ol' trump.  Hell, I won't even capitalize his name. That's how I will refer to him when I blog about him, among other names. I will not be taking anything that portrays him in a bad light down off my blog. In fact, I will be adding all sorts of funny stuff when I find it. So if you are a trumpkin, too fucking bad. Suck it up snowflake, it's going to be a rough 4 years for you because there are lots of people that hate the commander in cheeto and I'm going to have some fun before he blasts the planet apart.

 This was a 1/2 hour after midnight.
You can see it's 68 in the house.

Yesterday, David had to take the batteries out of the weather unit that we have outside to measure the temperature. The indoor unit was saying that it was 131 degrees F. He ran out front to see if there was a fire on our front porch. Nah, not even. I wished he had taken pictures of the reading so I could show y'all. 

So, this morning, I went to see how cold it was and the reading said "0F." I told David that it's so cold out that the thermometer was reading "Oh Fuck." It was really about 26 degrees F. at that time. The second picture I took of the unit was at 10:16 this morning and it was 35 degrees F. It had warmed up a bit. It never got above 41 today. It is supposed to be the same in the morning again. Cold as fuck with wind chills reaching in the teens. This weather is crazy. It's supposed to be in the 60's and 70's next week.

Because of the cold weather I had to bring the flowers in early. I never worry about it getting cold like this until January. Anywho, my Mexican Sunset petunias are going crazy trying to figure out what to do. They crave light, so I'm going to have to drag out the bloom light and set them up in a closet somewhere so the light doesn't hurt anyone's eyes. Otherwise, the plants might go into some kind of shock. It get's very dark here even though we are in Texas. In our area, we have a lot of low clouds. off the Texas coast

I found these on Amazon. So cute!

I had a doctor's appointment about my joints getting real bad 2 weeks ago. He's trying me on several drugs to see what works best. So far it's nothing. Arthritic pain in my fingers, knuckles, wrists, and elbows are to the point that it may be awhile before you see anything during the day here on my blog. I'll try to post as early as I can, but it all depends on the weather and what new ploy I'm trying to loosen up my hands. I need to go find me some hand warming gloves with the fingers ends exposed. I gotta try something, so that's next.

HOW THE TRUMP STOLE AMERICA

Apologies to Dr. Suess

By John Pavlovitz

In a land where the states are united, they claim,
in a sky-scraping tower adorned with his name,
lived a terrible, horrible, devious chump,
the bright orange miscreant known as the Trump.

This Trump he was mean, such a mean little man,
with the tiniest heart and two tinier hands,
and a thin set of lips etched in permanent curl,
and a sneer and a scowl and contempt for the world.

He looked down from his perch and he grinned ear to ear,
and he thought, “I could steal the election this year!
It’d be rather simple, it’s so easily won,
I’ll just make them believe that their best days are done!
Yes, I’ll make them believe that it’s all gone to Hell,
and I’ll be Jerk Messiah and their souls they will sell.

And I’ll use lots of words disconnected from truth,
but I’ll say them with style so they won’t ask for proof.
I’ll toss out random platitudes, phrases, and such,
They’re so raised on fake news that it won’t matter much!
They won’t question the how to, the what, why, or when,
I will make their America great once again!”

The Trump told them to fear, they should fear he would say,
“They’ve all come for your jobs, they’ll all take them away.
You should fear every Muslim and Mexican too,
every brown, black, and tan one, everyone who votes blue.”

And he fooled all the Christians, he fooled them indeed,
He just trotted out Jesus, that’s all Jesus folk need.
And celebrity preachers they all crowned him as king,
Tripping over themselves just to kiss the Trump’s ring.

And he spoke only lies just as if they were true,
Until they believed all of those lies were true too.
He repeated and Tweeted and he blustered and spit,
And he mislead and fibbed—and he just made up shit.

And the media laughed but they printed each line,
thinking “He’ll never will win, in the end we’ll be fine.”
So they chased every headline, bold typed every claim,
‘Till the fake news and real news they looked just the same.

And the scared folk who listened, they devoured each word,
Yes, they ate it all up every word that they heard,
petrified that their freedom was under attack,
trusting Trump he would take their America back.
From the gays and from ISIS, he’d take it all back,
Take it back from the Democrats, fat cats, and blacks.
And so hook, line, and sinker they all took the bait,
all his lies about making America great.

Now the Pant-suited One she was smart and prepared,
she was brilliant and steady but none of them cared,
no they cared not to see all the work that she’d done,
or the fact they the Trump had not yet done thing one.

They could only shout “Emails!”, yes “Emails!” they’d shout,
because Fox News had told them—and Fox News had clout.
And the Pant-suited One she was slandered no end,
and a lie became truth she could never defend.
And the Trump watched it all go according to plan—
a strong woman eclipsed by an insecure man.

And November the 8th arrived, finally it came,
like a slow-moving storm but it came just the same.
And Tuesday became Wednesday as those days will do,
And the night turned to morning and the nightmare came true,
With millions of non-voters still in their beds,
Yes, the Trump he had done it, just like he had said.

And the Trumpers they trumped, how they trumped when he won,
All the racists and bigots; deplorable ones,
they crawled out from the woodwork, came out to raise Hell,
they came out to be hateful and hurtful as well.
With slurs and with road signs, with spray paint and Tweets,
with death threats to neighbors and taunts on the street.
And the grossest of grossness they hurled on their peers,
the Trump he said zilch—for the first time in years.

But he Tweeted at Hamilton, he Tweeted the Times,
And he trolled Alec Baldwin a few hundred times,
and he pouted a pout like a petulant kid,
thinking this is what Presidents actually did,
thinking he could still be a perpetual jerk,
terrified to learn he had to actually work,
work for every American, not just for a few,
not just for the white ones—there was much more to do.
He now worked for the Muslims and Mexicans too,
for the brown, black, and tan ones, and the ones who vote blue.
They were all now his bosses, now they all had a say,
and those nasty pant-suited ones were here to stay.
And the Trump he soon realized that he didn’t win,
He had gotten the thing—and the thing now had him.

And it turned out the Trump was a little too late,
for America was already more than quite great,
not because of the sameness, the opposite’s true,
It’s greatness far more than just red, white, and blue,
It’s straight, gay, and female—it’s Gentile and Jew,
It’s Transgender and Christian and Atheist too.
It’s Asians, Caucasians of every kind,

The disabled and abled, the deaf and the blind,
It’s immigrants, Muslims, and brave refugees,
It’s Liberals with bleeding hearts fixed to their sleeves.
And we are all staying, we’re staying right here,
and we’ll be the great bane of the Trump for four years.
And we’ll be twice as loud as the loudness of hate,
be the greatness that makes our America great.

And the Trump’s loudest boasts they won’t ever obscure,
over two million more of us—voted for her.

Religion in a Nutshell

Wrapping A Different Way

I was looking at some Youtube videos and found this one on how you can wrap your Yule presents Japanese "speed wrap" style. I tried it and the Yule presents for David and my step-daughter look so much nicer. You have to try it just once. You'll be amazed at how nice the wrapping looks.

Canada Eh?

Wet Cat Wednesday

Doctor Appointment

I have an appointment with my doctor about my arthritis today. So I won't really be posting anything. Sorry everyone.

Silent Monks

I'm sorry that this post is coming out late in the day. I'm having trouble with my usual aches and pains associated with arthritis and cold weather. It takes a little getting used to but I'm trying. It's an old person thing. 
Some of you have probably seen this before. It started making the rounds back in December of 2008. I figured whoever came up with this cute and smart idea for a high school Christmas program deserves a salute. Now, even though there aren't many Catholic/Christians who read my blog, this is still enjoyable to watch.

Religion in a Nutshell

Friday Funny - Company Christmas Party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 4
RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Pauline

—————————————————————————

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 5

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party”. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline

—————————————————————————

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 6

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table… you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the union officials feel that $10 is too much money and management believe $10 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline

—————————————————————————

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food – we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything ?!?

Pauline

—————————————————————————

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 8

RE: The Holiday Party

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own little “man in a red suit.”

Pauline

—————————————————————————

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: November 9
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian jerks, I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW !!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday. 

The Bitch from HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

—————————————————————————

FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 9
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of December 23 off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Canada Eh?

Wet Dog Wednesday