A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. “I’ve kidnapped you,” said the blonde. She then proceeded to write a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde.” The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
OH Oh! Before you go any further reading today's mess, I have a joke for y'all.
Marriage Humor
Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband: "Nothing." Wife: "Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband: "I'm looking for the expiration date."
If this didn't at least make ya smile, then I give up on this job.
SEED PORN
Anywho, LOOK! Seed Porn! YES! I got like seven catalogs of seed porn in the last 3 days. It's magnificent! These guys find out you like seed porn . . . it's like a virus! It just keeps coming in the mail like forever.
Notice the escaped chicken behind the counter
Okay, on to not so better things. I am having a cooking crisis. I can't seem to cook at all this week. Everything that I have made for dinner has ended up really nasty. Last night was the last straw. The salt shaker came apart and the whole thing ended up in my meatloaf as I was blending it in the mixer. I use sausage meat and lean hamburger and blend it together with my Kitchenaid mixer using the big paddles. That way things get sufficiently mixed together. Well, there was no way to save that so it ended up in the trash and I had to go shopping and get everything to start over.
Things seemed to go great. Until, yeah, the oven timer refused to work properly. The meat loaf burned, the baked potatoes burned. The built in oven timer was stuck on the first minute and didn't turn the oven off when it was supposed to. I have used that oven timer so many times before and everything would turn out perfect. The oven would turn off and the timer would let me know with the alarm. My meatloaves and casseroles would always come out perfect. Not dry, nothing over or undercooked.
My cool oven timer from Amazon
I can still use the stove and the oven, I just have to check on things and use my old timer that I used with the previous oven before we replaced it with the new one. Remembering to carry it around with me fucking sucks.
So, I give up on cooking for the rest of this month. David will just have to eat dinner from a can. I'm not taking any more chances this week. I'm making canned chili tonight. Nothing flashy. Heating everything in the microwave oven. I blame this past week on the Mercury retrograde direct station. Don't understand that? Google it! Poke me, I'm done!
I've had my coffee so I'm good now. Answers to Pickleope's smartass remarks on yesterday comment section. Yes, I am a Coffee Slut. Yes, I will do anything within REASON for coffee. NO, coffee enemas have nothing to do with what I'll do for coffee. NO, I don't do Folgers coffee even if it was the last brand available on the face of the earth. So don't even go there you silly fucker.
MMMkay, yesterday I had something I wanted to tell y'all about that I learned to do over my time off. It's all about the puppies. I took them to the Doggie Park last week and met someone who has a couple of Bostons just like me. We got to talking about them and she started explaining that she learned how to give her dogs a doggie massage. She learned from a friend who is a licensed masseuse for animals and said it was very good for her dogs who are both way past 13 years old and arthritic. They acted like they were still puppies the way they ran around with mine.
Anywho, she asked her friend to teach me how to give doggie massages for my dogs. It was so easy to learn that I was nearly flabbergasted. I found a few videos on Youtube.com that show the basics. There are cat massage videos and horse massage, even a kinkajou getting a massage.
I would talk with a Vet first about doing this first. You don't want to hurt your dog. I am not holding a gun to your head to do this, so don't go suing my fat ass saying you heard me say YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR THE GOOD OF YOUR ANIMALS, because I didn't, I didn't force you. All I am saying is it's a cool idea to LEARN it from someone who is licensed, knows how, and is willing to teach you. So don't go fucking misconstruing my words and shit and then taking my ass to court.
.
I never run over 15 minutes for each dog. They get their full massages after playing at the doggie park and they have gotten so spoiled with this new ritual that they get fucking pissed off at me if I neglect them. Brats.
It's very easy to do, not that hard to learn at all. Just be mindful of what you are doing and don't apply too much pressure because you could do more harm than good. I light touch is best. I have a small foam mattress pad covered in soft velour for them to lie on. You don't want them lying on a cold hard floor. Remember learn this from someone that has a license and is willing to teach you. Don't learn this on your own. You could do more harm than good.
Hey! I'm like totally back to blogging again. YES!!! I KNOW, RIGHT?!? It's so scary! Anywho, I needed to step away from the computer for a while. But we all know how terribly awkward that is. I was only able to stay away for a day and then I had to check my facebook and twitter pals. It's so weird how shit just keeps on going without you. I was on Pinterest moving stuff around on my boards and adding some pins, yadda yadda yadda.
Anywho, David and I did something that we don't normally do on a weekend. We went out to IHop for breakfast and then we both went to the new HEB to grocery shop. YES!!! I KNOW RIGHT?!? It's scary to think that I actually went grocery shopping with my husband. But I was able to go check out the newly built HEB and to find out where everything was. It's so BIG, sooooo chock full of stuff that we won't have to go to Wally World to get anything that HEB didn't carry because they carry it all now.
I was was like, "Oh lookie yonder there and oh lookie here." Poor David rolled his eyes so hard he got a glimpse of his brain. He DID! I was throwing so much shit into the cart faster than David could put it back. By the time we came to the checkout, we had a full cart and the total went well over $100.00. He was pissed but I did show him how to shop better. I have to do everything myself sometimes.
We also caught up on some more of our shows and a few things on Netflix we wanted to see. We also got to watch two of the best football games in a long time, considering David thinks Dallas (cringing at the thought) is the best. I think it just burned a hole in my laptop screen. I can't say if I like the Carolina Panthers more or the Denver Broncos. It's a tie. Both have great defense and quarterbacks. It's going to be a fun game for Superbowl 50.
Well, I have to grab the puppies and run them over to the Doggie Park. They just love that place. More tomorrow on "What I did on my one week vacation."
Hey everyone. I know, I don't usually blog on Fridays, but I need to let y'all know I'm going to be taking some time off. I don't know for how long I'll be gone. I just need a time out, not a vacation, just time to think. I'm hoping that things will resolve themselves soon. Please take care and I'll see y'all later.
Well, everything went quite well for my back injections on Tuesday. I had the S1, L5 and L4 done. It hurt like a mother when I got stuck with the needles but in the long run, it was worth it. I went in with a pain level of 8-9 and walked out feeling higher than a kite. David had a few errands to run while he was waiting and returned just in time to see me come out to recovery. They had given me a Valium before I went in and I had taken 2 of my Hydrocodones before arriving at the Surgical Center. They were aware that I had taken some of my pain meds because I told them. Yet, they gave me Valium. WTF!! I was higher than a kite when I got out of the OR. My oxygen was waaaaaay below the normal numbers. I kept setting off the alarms, but I couldn't help it. I was relaxed, and when I'm relaxed like that I forget to breathe. David kept trying to keep me awake and breathing. and the nurses said I wasn't going to be able to leave unless I brought my oxygen level up above 95. It took quite a while. I finally got it up to 96 and the nurse said I could get dressed and go home. Finally.
Well, I'm nearly back to normal now. My pain level is down to a 4. It really hasn't moved since last evening. So that's a good thing. I wish the pain was completely gone, but that's the only thing that lets me know I'm still alive. No, it wouldn't remind me that I might be in hell, Satan and his demons have several restraining orders against me at this moment. The really good thing is that I'm able to stand longer than 5 minutes at a time and sit longer than 10 minutes. It's great to be able to do stuff like walk without so much pain in my legs and back. It's wonderful.
OMG! Ok, I'm listening to the TV news and they have just announced the Oscar Noms for 2016. I sware, if Leo doesn't get an Oscar this time around then there is definitely someone on the take. How many times can someone go on in life without a golden dildo as an award? I ask you what does it take to get one? Or better yet, the big question in LA is where can I buy one? Just asking...
