MY MINIONS

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Warning! - This Blog May Contain:

violence, terrible grammar, gratuitous sex, strong odors, seed porn, and possibly improper French

Friday, January 31, 2014

Friday Funny

My husband, David sent this cute e-mail to me yesterday. I could tell he was bored silly because I got five e-mails from him in the stretch of three hours. He was in a meeting at the time. My slave works soooooo hard.

 MISPLACED MY GLASSES
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the folks there. I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. 

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club. 
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief! Where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club. Not a Parachute Club."
"Oh boy, I'm in trouble again. I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week and prepaid!"

The line went quiet, and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

2014 Year of The Wood Horse

Jan 31 2014 - Feb 18 2015

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

It's Fucking Cold Everywhere


I'm in a blah mood today. I didn't want to get out of bed, but I had to. David forgot to move the recycling bin to the curb this morning. So, I had to get my warm ass out of bed, get dressed, sans coat, mittens, mukluks, five scarves, and two hats. I went out in my killer rabbit slippers, pants and a t-shirt. It was 28 fucking freezing degrees out there with a wind chill of zero, and I was lugging that oversized body container out to the end of the driveway. I'm pretty sure I accidentally keyed my own car with my nipples. The insurance people will never believe it.

My dogs are nosey as hell. They followed me out into the cold. When I turned around to head back to the house they were standing like little orphans shivering and staring at me with humongous brown eyes. I guess they thought I was going to go driving somewhere. They were more than happy to get back into a warm house and in front of a warm heater.

David is in meetings all day today. His boss is going to rescue him at noon so they can go out with a client for lunch. Hell, I may just go back to bed and watch movies all day. I have no place important to go to, and at least I can turn the bed heater up to keep warm.



Saturday, January 25, 2014

Friday, January 24, 2014

Snow Daze

Many of you poor unfortunates are wondering WTF is going on. Is this Global Warming?
All I can say is BWAAHAHAHAAAHAAHAAAHAAHAHAAAHAHAHAAA!












Thursday, January 23, 2014

I'm Back

I feel like shit but from this fibromyalgia crap that has invaded my life the past few days. Personally I think it's mostly my joints and muscles are playing havoc just because they want to get even for a rotten way I treated them as a youngster. 

Anywho, my pain doctor gave me something to keep it all in check and it's working fine for now. While I was hiding from the world, I had programmed some blog posts just in case something like this would kill me, that or the flu, whichever was lucky enough. Hope the posts kept you all entertained. 

Speaking of entertainment, I found this while I was floating around in Amazon.com. I never laughed so hard in my life. This is just some one of the many, many customer reviews I found on this product. Some sound like fiction, of coarse.  But apparently these people don't know what Lycasin is and what it does. They obviously didn't read the information for the product. You have to read most of it to understand the reviews and why these people all suffered the bad side effects.

Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag
by Haribo
  550 customer reviews  | 82 answered questions
Price: $48.95 ($0.61 / oz)
In Stock.
Ships from and sold by CandyCo.
One 5-pound bag containing approximately 1080 pieces
Fat-free and sugar-free; sweetened with Lycasin
Five real fruit flavors
Jewel-like sparkling clear colors
An international favorite
This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess
5 new from $32.00

Important Information
Safety Warning
Consumption of some sugar-free candies may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect.  Individual tolerance will vary.  If this is the first time you’ve tried these candies, we recommend beginning with one-fourth of a serving size or less. Made with Lycasin, a sugar alcohol. As with other sugar alcohols, people sensitive to this substance may experience upset stomachs.

Legal Disclaimer
Actual product packaging and materials may contain more and different information than what is shown on our website. We recommend that you do not rely solely on the information presented and that you always read labels, warnings, and directions before using or consuming a product. Please see our full disclaimer below.


Customer Reviews
Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag

Average Customer Review
3.2 out of 5 stars (550 customer reviews)
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30,908 of 31,339 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate., October 3, 2012
By Christine E. Torok (Pennsylvania) - See all my reviews
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.
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9,022 of 9,319 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Ideal Gift For Your Congressional Representatives, October 3, 2013
By DeleriouslyHappyTaxPayer - See all my reviews
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
The reviews are so helpful. It is so difficult to be sure you are buying something over the internet that is exactley what you are searching for.
.
I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.
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3,094 of 3,426 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Westboro Baptist Church After Dinner Fondants, January 9, 2014
By TrueBrit (Dunstable) - See all my reviews
(TOP 1000 REVIEWER)   
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
I bought one order for the Westboro Baptist Church as a donation because we all know how much God hates irregularity.
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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Monday, January 20, 2014

Yeah, That's All I Got

Yeah, that's how I feel right now. Actually I feel like shit, but what the hell it's Monday.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Saturday, January 18, 2014

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