I'm Back, My Minions

I'm back and I'm sorry I left so many of you in a lurch. Thank you all for the well wishes. It's so nice to be missed. What did I get on the humble meter this time?

Anywho, I'm back and full of piss and vinegar as usual. Seems like I saved up on it over the week. David can tell you all for sure that I was in full Queen Bitch mode over the past few days. It kinda started Thursday when I was trying to come home from my doctor's appointment for the Fibro. Some bastard decided to park so fucking close to the driver's side of my car that I had to get a can opener to get in it.  I hobbled back inside the doctor's waiting room and asked who owned a big white truck that was blocking me from getting into my car. Note that I said it nicely.

 This big, good ol' boy in a cowboy hat gets up and ambles over to the door where I'm standing and without thinking he says, "What's wrong, so fat you can't get into your car without help?"
I just stood there and didn't say a word as shit for brains went out the door to the other side of the building to his truck. Mind you I was all nice about this.

When I got there he was just standing there looking at the car and his truck. He noticed me and said there should be enough room for me to get in. Then he turned said have a nice day and went back inside. I promised David I would not be a mean spiteful bitch given that he knows so many people and went to school with most of them in this town. So I did one better. I called the local police dept to ask for help.

Guess what?? The police came out and gave him a ticket and then told the asshole to move his truck or get it towed. He got all big shit with them but moved the truck and made a nasty comment towards me. I smiled and flipped him off and yelled to him, " What's the matter? Don't you like the big ol can opener I found?"
Don't fuck with the Queen Bitch I have minions. BWAaaahahahahahahahahhahahahahaaahahahahaaasnort!

Ewwwww Joke Of the Week

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to gently taste them.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."