Yesterday, I openly advertised for a Partner in Crime. Well, of all pickled people, Pickleope von Pickleope asked me why I didn't consult internally before posting the position openly to the masses and what did the job pay. Well, my pickled friend, to start with you do qualify PARTIALLY for the first and second requirements. Although I have never seen any nudity or adult language on your blog. Other requirements are:
- You will not be paid unless we score big. Then the normal 30% will be paid to you when any merchandise is fenced.
- You must have a sizable "bail money" savings account readily available because if we are caught, I will not bail your ass out of jail no matter how close a friend you may be.
- You must be available day or night at a moments notice to go on a "field trip" for no known reason. No children (or in your case, Pickleope, no gherkins) allowed
- You must have your own tools for scaling tall buildings, cutting holes in fences and ceilings and above all, you must have your own dynamite.
You must buy your own ray gun. No capes allowed. Only I can wear the cape.You must be able to withstand a horrible mangled burning death without warning.You must speak French badly at all times.No, sorry those last three are my Minion requirements.
Any questions? Anyone? Anyone?
5 comments:
Pick me! I am extremely fluent in all number 1 requirements. While I think my moral ground is pretty solid I can I have many references who will attest to my extreme irreverence for most rules. I don't have bail money nor a ray gun but I am willing to threaten any would-be victims with my full-Monty nudity! Scary as hell, always works!Je parle français avec la plus mauvaise grammaire!
I'm afraid to say that the one who meets literally every single one of your requirements is My Rare One. I'm deficient in two particulars:
(1) I don't have any tools or dynamite, unless an old roll of duct tape counts. However, perhaps MRO would lend me her tools and explosives.
(2) I cannot be nekkid in public. At the gym, I change in the stalls. I refuse to set foot on a nude beach. In Japan where one must go nude into the hot springs, My Rare One went alone. Extreme modesty and aversion to public nudity are the last, tattered shreds of my Christian upbringing that I simply cannot seem to let go.
???? I can bake a cake? LOL!
Okay, I don't have scaling equipment per se, but I do have a lot of those small suction cup hook things that I could duct tape to a jumper. Having bail money is a rough one. Can I just ride it out in jail? I won't snitch. Can we bump the rate up to 35%?
Glad to have inspired such a fun post.
I have been off line for a while but here is my application:
MONEY: if we make it fine, but it is the adventure that counts
BAIL MONEY: Fuck it - at my age I will plead insanity
AVAILABILITY: It will have to go through my wife
TOOLS: aplenty
SMART ASS: Absolutely
ADULT LANGUAGE: Plenty of fucks fuck fuck fuck left.
NUDITY: I'm kind of known for that - here comes the streak....
the Ol'Buzzard
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