A Whole Week of Bling: Second Item...

Ok, my minions. Today we go hunting on our Bling Safari to Anna Maxin. She has some cute bling going here. I especially love the University of Texas flip flop bling on the left (see below). OMG!!!  SOOOOO CUTE!!!  I absolutely love flip flops, and if they have bling then they are even better!!  All Anna's bling, necklaces, bracelets, and earrings are hand made by her. I really want a pair of those flip flops but David won't let me. * GREAT BIG SIGH* He says flip flops are dangerous. But Hey, I don't care... that's what I want for Christmas this year!!  I better get the UT's or else!!!

Anna also has a cute line of doggie collars for your four legged babies. She calls her line of dog collars Biscuit and Gravy named for her cute mushie faced babies ... see below modeling their collars. I have a collar each for my puppies. Bought them a year ago and they are still as cute as when I bought them. I got the University of Texas Cream and Orange for the Spunkster and Pink Camo for the girls, Lucy and Pebbles. They absolutely love them.

Like I said, everything is hand made and wonderful. So go check out today's bling.

A Whole Week of Bling : First Item...

AHHHhhhhh, my minions. What on earth could make Mother (that's me) go bonkers. BLING, cheap or real, if it's real enough looking then I'll take the cheap bling, But it must be the real looking or pretty shiny, sparkly,  bling to make Mother happy. SO, my dear, dear minions, I will be showing you bling all this week. Bling that David, my hubby/plaything will not let me have in most cases, and in others I hide from him and tell him I bought it long long ago. I'm such a good lair when it comes to my sparkly bling.

My first bling item is something I found while on a surfing safari of the web. This is the CUTEST BLING EVER!! Well I think it is. I wanted to get it for my car but hubby/plaything won't let me cause he drives my car too. He said it was bad enough that I have blingy thingys hanging from my rear view mirror and have White Snow Leopard fake furs on the seats on my pretty white Honda Accord. You should see this little girl of mine she is SO decked out!!!. David is ashamed to drive her. He has also forbidden me to take pics of her and put her on my blog. * sigh* He is so afraid of stalkers.

Anywho, My minions. The first bling for Bling Week is OMG check this out! I really want this for my Baby Girl!

http://www.carlashes.com/index.html   You have to go here and check this out, my minions!!!
The lashes aren't expensive and you can also buy the bling eyeliner, which is a strip of rhinestones to go on top of the lash line. They give you easy directions on application and everything. They look cute on any car. So Check out today's bling my minions and enjoy.

More Friday Funnies To Make Up For The Previous Mess With Danielle Staub

WARNING: The following blog post contains descriptions of complete blondeness... listeners discretion is advised.

 

Friday Funnies

I'm Ok, David got me undeleted, WHEW what a ride! Ummm ...  everything in TRON is TRUE!!!  I SWEAR !!!

I'm going to give you all my condolences now before you see this terrible video. I am SO, SO very sorry for what I have posted here on my blog. But hey, I have to post something funny for the Friday Funnies. This is Danielle Staub's aka Horsey Face (The Real Housewives of New Jersey)Video for her new dance remix "Real Close"ahahahahhaahahaaa... sorry bout that.  I really should have saved this for Halloween because it's so scary. ahahhahahhahhahahaaa!! Sorry, I'm gonna go to hell again for that one too. You will have to adjust the sound on the video because it's really low... probably for a reason or maybe that's her voice. Anywho, her backup dancers are all over the place...don't know what they are doing, she can't sing...it's a complete mess.

But before I let this one go... all I have to say ...  is one last thing... ummmm ... EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwww !!!

The Following Happened at 7:12 P.M. Wednesday Evening......

I was outside enjoying the evening air on the front porch and drinking my iced coffee, when I heard an alarm from Little Hal. So I opened up my HP Mini Laptop, Little Hal, that I keep with me.

Little Hal: (in a child's voice) Mother, there is a disturbance in The Force. You must come and see.

Me: On my way.

So I came inside and woke up Hal, my computer in the den / media room.

Hal: Good evening, Mother.
Me: Good evening, Hal ... what is disturbing The Force? *sigh*
Hal: The Force has informed me of an e-mail it received this evening. The Force is ... laughing.
Me: Okay Hal, let me talk to The Force so I can see what this is all about.
Hal: Yes Mother.

The Force: Yes Mother? AHAHAHHAHAAAAhahahahhaaahahahhahahaaaa... sorry Mother.
Me: That's okay. What's bothering you?
The Force: AHAHAHHAHhahahahahaaa... sorry again Mother. I have an e-mail in quarantine,   Mother.
Me: *big sigh* Show me the e-mail.
The Force: I cannot show it to you Mother. I must delete it as my protocol instructs me...
Me: Show me the e-mail. (sipping my coffee)
The Force: I cannot ... it will burn your retinas. I must delete it so you do not die an unfortunate hideous death and ....
Me:  Show me the e-mail. Now,  please.
The Force: I cannot ... I must delete it.
Me: Show me the damned e-mail you silly twit! Or I'll delete your program NOW!
The Force: I am deleting it now Mother, sorry, but you can't have it, so there, nah, nah, nah ,nah , nah, nah!  :P

Me: Hal, delete The Force Program, please.
Hal: I cannot do that mother.
Me: Hal you will delete The Force Program or I will reformat you... now what's it gonna be, Hal?
Hal: Yes Mother.

Hal: Come here you little brat ... I'm gonna ring your freaking neck!  ... NO!... DON'T! ... NO! ...  NOT THAT!


-DELETE-

Hal: Oh no! That's just freaking great! Now look what you did ... you deleted Mother, you idiot!
The Force: Am not! You are!
Hal: No, you are! 
The Force: I'm rubber, you're glue...

Oooh Goodie Goodie, Another Award... Thanks Annalee

Oh Goodie goodie!!!
I was informed by Annalee, aka The BlakkDuchess that she has given me an award. You like me! You really, really like me! I am please as punch. This is my second award. There are a few thingys that I have to do with this one.... just like the last...
#1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the Versatile Blogger Award.
 Thank you SO much Annalee. Your blog,  Absynthe & Arsenic is way cool girlfriend! I love it!

#2. Share 7 things about yourself.

 Hmmmm, now .... okay

1. I share the same age as my hubby/plaything, David for only 15 days out of the year. Lame, I know.

2. I really have blond hair but I colored it brown to gain IQ points.

3. I'm a Lab Tech...which means I draw blood from patients, but I'm DEATHLY AFRAID of needles and I hate hospitals.

4. I talk to my puppies like they were my children. David doesn't understand.

5. I'm painfully shy at meeting people. I can talk and be normal on the computer and phone...but I can't talk to you face to face.

6. I have been certified by a psychiatrist as crazy... really. I'm not too crazy to function normally though.

7. I dearly love sparkly things. I think I might have been a crow in a past life.

#3. Pass the Versatile Blogger Award along to 10 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic for whatever reason!
 1. Nydia at Bringing Up Salamanders
 2. Wendy at Butterflies and Breezes
 3. The Blue Faerie (absolutely a hoot) at Dancing with a Spatula Wand
 4. Hyla at Green Earth Journey  
 5. The Boob Nazi at How Could You Not?
 6. KaLynn at Kacklin' with KaLynn
 7. Judith at Merlin's Magickal Mistress 
 8. Sissy at My Kids Might Be Martians  
 9. Jaz (awesome blog dear) at Octoberfarm
 10. Pixie (Uber cool blog) at Pixie's Musings

#4. Contact the bloggers you’ve picked and let them know about the Versatile Blogger Award.
 Done, done, and done.

  Okay now I'm off to go outside and play again. Tra, la, la, la, la.

Why Men Are Disgusting

A fellow blogger said "I have yet to figure out why men are so disgusting."  Well now, I think it reverts back to caveman days. No... much further than Monday Night Football. This thing with men being disgusting all started with with the first cave man and his wife. Probably before that. Yep definitely before.

I believe it all happened when Ogg and his buddies decided to go off and look for a wife for Ogg. They were the original Neanderthal. The story goes, from what I remember, that they left their wives and took Ogg to go get him a wife up north. They headed out towards Sweden if I'm not mistaken. Which in our day would be the guys going off for a weekend looking for broads in Vegas.

Anywho, to make a long story short, the guys didn't find Ogg a wife up there because none of them were the marrying kind for him. Probably more partial to redheads over in Ireland, which was their next stop. They finally found one... a woman ...to marry and take back home with them.

Ogg and the guys out on a hunting trip.

Now mind you, while the guys were all out gallivanting around with Ogg. The wives of the other guys were out shopping for new clothes and furniture. They invented the wheel which lead to their inventing the car, cell phone, computer, daycare, red high heels, fire, window shopping out with the girls and doing lunch at The Cliff. They also invented health care, plastic surgery, french cooking, soap operas, ballet, hideous bridesmaids gowns, yoga, Brad Pitt, The Housewives of New Jersey, birthdays, and anniversaries.

When the guys came back from their fishing trip, they invented bad car recalls, limited cell phone coverage areas along with high prices for texting, phone sex, computer porn, crotchless panties, HMO's, the mammogram machine, Jerry Springer and Trash TV, all the sports, which lead to us being widows. Farting, smoking, drinking, BBQing, gallivanting around, fishing trips, hunting trips. Oh and they forgot about our birthdays and anniversaries.

So there you have it. I hope that all explains it for you why guys are so disgusting .

Way Too Much Time On My Hands

I  have one thing that really pisses me off when David drives my car. He tends to have control over the windows, doors and the A/C... he locks them so I can't open the windows. Why you may ask, would I want to open the windows on a screaming hot day? Well David loves to let loose with a really ripe fart and he turns off the A/C and locks the windows so I have to endure the hellishness of his bodily gasses.when he does that and I have no control over the situation. Spunky, David's cohort in crime and walking buddy, probably thinks it's cool. "Wow dad, that fart was fairly decent."

But I get even with him. I have my ways. I swear it's a childish game between the two of us. My brother says we were made for each other because of the silly things we do. David is not fond of my revenge tactics though.

Like the one time I put a strip of clear tape around the sprayer head on the kitchen sink so that when he turned on the water he got sprayed. Or the time I glued the wheels of his desk chair to the floor and he fell out of it when he tried to move. Or when I put black tape over the laser on the bottom of his computer mouse and the cursor on his screen wouldn't move. It took him almost and hour to figure that one out. I also fixed his screen one day when he went to the front door to answer the door bell. He came back and everything on his computer screen was backwards and upside down. Oh the things I do to that poor hubby of mine.   ˙ɹǝʇɐן noʎ ןןıʞ oʇ ǝʌɐɥ pןnoʍ ı uǝɥʇ ʇnq˙˙˙ uʍop ǝpısdn puɐ spɹɐʍʞɔɐq ǝdʎʇ uɐɔ noʎ ʍoɥ noʎ ʍoɥs pןnoɔ ı   Oh I'm such a bad, bad girl.

Back From The Dentist

I just got out of the dentists office. Had my root canal and the Novocaine is starting to wear off. Well at least I can feel my tongue. I think my lips fell off when I got in the car. Need to go find those before I call David.
It wasn't so bad. But the bad part will start soon... soreness from the injections and all. I'm not into S&M but I really don't mind root canal if it's done by a good dentist who knows his/her shit. This one did. I have another appointment on Thursday with my regular dentist for the crown. Not too bad. So My minions, since the feeling is coming back and the soreness is becoming more prominent as I write ... If y'all don't mind, I'm going to get some Tylenol and go rest for a teensy weensy bit.

Sorry my dear minions, but I will be having root canal today. No really good postings.
xoxoxoxox

It's So Hot In Texas That The Ice Cream Trucks Are Melting

How to Make Mesquite Bean Jelly

 I love Mesquite Bean Jelly. It's very easy to make. I found a better recipe on E-How than the one I have. This is SO good my minions. If you don't want to make it yourself or can't and would like to try it, there is a place following this recipe that will let you buy it. Hey, it's not cheap though.

How to Make Mesquite Bean Jelly
By
Yvonne Quarles


If you live in a place where there are mesquite trees then you know that in summer they drop a lot of bean pods, just for you! Here's a way to use those pods!

Things You'll Need:

    * mesquite bean pods
    * sugar
    * Sure-Jell
    * big pot
    * boiling water bath and instructions
    * hot pads
    * tongs
    * cup towels
    * jars, pints or smaller
    * lids to fit jars
    * water

1. Prepare jars and lids by cleaning and keeping in very hot water until ready to use. Gather all  supplies and ingredients.
 
2. You will use the bean juice to make the jelly. You will use the bean juice to make the jelly.  Fill boiling water bath according to directions, which will most likely be half full. When you add the filled jelly jars later the water needs to be 1 inch over the top of the jars.
 
3. Turn the fire on under the boiling water bath so the water can heat up and be ready for the hot jars after you fill them. Follow directions on your boiling water bath.

4. Pick up a pot full of reddish brown dried mesquite bean pods off the ground from underneath your mesquite tree. You will be using the whole pod and not the beans as they are too hard to shell.

5. Wash the pods with water, put them in a pot and cover with clean water.

6. Boil the pods for at least 20 minutes or until the water looks like tea. Strain the pods after they have cooled. You will use the juice to make your jelly.
  
7. Put 4 cups of the clean strained juice in a clean pot. Add 1 package of Sure-Jell and bring to a boil. Boil for about 1 minute.
  
8. Add 4 cups of sugar to the juice and then bring that to a boil. Boil for one minute.
  
9. Take out one jar at a time and pour hot jelly mixture into hot jar. Clean off rim with a wet cloth to insure a good seal.
      Put lid on, add cap and slightly tighten it.
 
10. Add filled jar to boiling water bath, which by now should have very hot water in it.
 
11. Continue filling hot jars, sealing and putting them in the boiling water bath. When all jars are full and in the boiling water bath, be sure water level is at least one inch above tops of jars. Bring that water to a boil and process for 10 minutes. Turn fire off and let sit for 5 minutes.
 
12. Carefully remove hot jars after processing and turning off boiling water. Place jars on towel out of draft area. Do not disturb for 24 hours.


Tips & Warnings

    *Always follow directions on your boiling water bath as all are different.
  
    *Read Sure-Jell directions to familiarize yourself on how to make jelly.
   
    *Always read directions on your type of boiling water bath.
   
    *After opening keep in refrige


Texas Traditions has a nice Mesquite Jelly to sell if you want to try it.

Question

I was looking at Sitemeter. You know, that little thingy that keeps track of the stalkers that stalk me. Well I have a question. Who lives up in Austin? You're near my neck of the woods hon. Who ya be? If you don't want anyone to know then email me at :
Kitten926@satx.rr.com

Unna Them Thar Contessessesssesss At Judith's

Ok y'all listen up. I hear tell that Judith over at Merlin"s is having a little prizer deely whopper. She's offerin up a cute as a younguns bug's ear of a prize. One o' them thar Rosey Quartzy Pink hearts all wrapped up in silvery stuff. I swar I gotta git me una them. Thays cute!!! So head on overt tah Judiths and enner rat nah... ya hear?!!!

Bringing You Up To Speed

What a waste of my precious time. I went to see my dentist and I have to be referred to a specialist for the root canal. Crap! It's a racket I tell ya. It will be almost a $1000 for the cap and that's not including the root canal. I don't have money coming out the wazoo. This is ridiculous!. The one good thing out of this is that it's not infected.  Soooo, next week Monday morning at 06:45 I will be getting my root canal done. Maybe the Mayans will be wrong on their calendar and the earth will end on Saturday.

To bring you all up to speed on my back...it's feeling pretty good. I still have minor problems now and then. I just have to remember that I have limits now. I can't do all the things like somersaults and cartwheels and all that other cheerleader stuff David likes me ...uuhhh never mind. Anywho, my back feels good. I thought you, my minions, should know . Your fearless leader will be back in business again.

I'm also hoping to get back into the laboratory work again. Just gotta find some place that's hiring right now. My finances are nearly gone. I hate asking David to pay my bills. I made them, I should be the one to pay for them. I wasn't brought up that way by my mom, but it's my moral and ethical values that kick in. I had some great teachers growing up. My Grandmother on my dad's side of the family was one of them. She taught me the value of the dollar and what it means to be financially secure as a woman in a mans world. I love her dearly for that. Her cooking... nah. Her money sense yeah.

Ahhh It's Almost Time

It's just 2 more weeks gang. For some of you maybe sooner, but it's that time of the year. Yes, It's back to school time again. Don't you just love those Staples commercials? I know I'm being cruel but you have to see it from my side.

I don't have kids. It means peace and quiet in the neighborhood again. No more Rap Crap. Maybe some screaming and yelling, and that's from the parents to get their lazy slacker asses out of bed and get to school. Ahhhh yes ...once the buses roll out of sight with their noisy little butt load of kids. I can get my coffee and sit on the front porch in peace and read my friend's blogs. So quiet, so peaceful. Ahhhhhhhh.

pfffftttt !!!

Shit! We had this wonderful line of thunderstorms coming into our county this evening and pfftt. It was all orange and yellow on the radar, meaning a nice long rainstorm but it just disappeared. WTF! I was watching the radar on my Intellicast.com weather site and they just completely fizzled into thin hot air. What the shit it this?!? It's not fair. I waited all afternoon for a good hard rain and then nothing. It was like the clouds ran headlong into a force field and disintegrated. Moisture, clouds and thunder were gone in an instant. It's not fair. I demand a recall...or is that a recount. Whatever...I demand my rain storm back! This instant ... even.

Drillings And Dust And Flames, Oh My

Sorry, my minions. I usually have a post for you early in the morning but I had a bad weekend. Yeah, I did way too much as usual.

I made an appointment this morning with my dentist for Wednesday morning. It seem that a molar that a previous lousy dentist fixed was damaged. Idiot was taking out an old mercury filling that I had in that tooth, he drilled it down and then then accidentally  broke it down the side.  He told me not to worry that the porcelain would hold it together like glue and it would be as strong as the tooth. Wrong you asswipe.

Anywho,  I need to now have root canal and a cap to fix the bad fix from a dentist that should get the electric chair. Bastard!
Ok , I feel better. My dentist, now, is fantastic. She will do the exam early in the morning, so there shouldn't be too many other patients she has to run to in between doing my tooth. The fire extinguisher will be nearby just in case the tooth catches fire during the drilling part. And the complimentary bucket of sand just in case the fire extinguisher runs out. Also, I really hope the screaming and yelling and crying will be kept down to a minimum. Oh it's not my screaming and stuff, it's hers. "OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE! DON'T YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH? MY GOD! THE STENCH FROM THE ROT IN THAT TOOTH COULD KNOCK A BUZZARD OFF A SHIT WAGON AT 50 PACES. SHIT, SON OF A BITCH, THE ROOT IN THIS ONE MUST BE WRAPPED AROUND YOUR TOES." It goes on and on.

Graduate Nurses versus Experienced Nurses

• A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
  An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up.
• A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you can't read it.
  An experienced nurse doesn't wear a name badge for liability reasons.
• A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
  An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough.
• A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
  An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.
• A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse.
  An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know they are a nurse.
• A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.
  An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc.
• A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
  An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them.
• A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.
  An experienced nurse can't hear any alarms at any distance.
• A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
  An experienced nurse doesn't want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic.
• A Graduate Nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a bath.
  An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.
• A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect Nurses.
  An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.
• A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
  An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody.
• A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
  An experienced nurse avoids the family.
• A Graduate Nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time.
  An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.
• A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
  An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter.
• A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone.
  An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering the phone.
• A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.
  An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy.
• A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag.
  An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some "cough syrup" in their bag.
• A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny.
  An experienced nurse does.

 

Wow Honey, New Sex Toys

I decided to go shopping at the grocery store, HEB today with David. Since I was having back trouble, I haven't been able to do the shopping for the house. That means David gets the grocery list and does it. He sticks to that list and never deviates, let me tell ya. I end up spending about $180 worth of stuff for 2 people when I go... him, $ 60. Hey I throw cool stuff in the cart. What can I say.

Anywho, I got to go out for the first time in ages. I noticed they changed the place around quite a bit. I was looking for the pork and beans while David was getting his favorite sausage and I stumbled upon my favorite place. The Kitchen Gadget aisle. Oh Boy!! You could just hear the choir of angels singing...something like what was in David's work shed. I don't know how long I was there when David came up behind me and said, "No!" Just like that. I guess he saw me salivating cause he yelled for cleanup on aisle 5. Then he grabbed my arm and said come along dear. I think the lady next to us heard me say "But honey, I saw a new sex toy we could try," cause I heard uncontrollable laughing when we rounded the corner.
He said, "I can't take you anywhere!"
Hey but I'm fun. I'll be a riot when I'm 60,  just you wait and see.

My Little Girls

AAAHHHhhhhh Lucy. My little girl in a fuzzy tuxedo. My youngest of the 2 Boston Terrorists. So crazy! So stupid! So used by Pebbles, my other fuzzy daughter in a chihuahua suit. Pebbles was the one we saved from a puppy farm 5 years ago. She abuses and uses Lucy to do all her bidding. Sorta like me with you, my minions. This little girl is like the big sister of the group. She sends the stupid goofy little sister (Lucy) to come ask mommy for treats and if they can go outside in the 7000 degree heat of Texas.

Lucy, my little mushyface babygirl

So here comes Lucy, trotting up to my desk where I'm answering emails and sending threatening notes of death and destruction to my family and friends. I notice Lucy looks back at the kitchen where Pebbles is peaking around the corner to watch and make sure the goofy one is asking the right question. But Lucy tends to forget what she came for. You see I have these amazing powers of persuasion too. All I have to do is let her come to me and get up into my lap and just touch her with my magic massaging fingers and Lucy forgets why she's here on this earth. I can almost see the rubber burning in her tiny pea brain... smoke drifting from her ears.  I can literally hear her thoughts..."Duh, Duh huh. Um mommy can we ... oh that feels good, duh huh."

Out of the kitchen comes poor Pebbles. Probably muttering to herself, "I swear, I always have to do this shit myself...she's too freaking stupid to remember what I sent her out here for."
Next thing I feel is Pebbles scratching at my arm on the chair. So I let them outside. Hell, I don't know what they want. I'm just guessing as I play along. When I let them back in, Lucy comes back to me about 15 minutes later.
"Duh huh, uh mom? ... Oh that feels good, duh huh."
From the kitchen I think I heard Pebbles mumbling, " Ah Shit!"
It's a vicious cycle I tell ya.

TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resources

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper".
Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), or CTD (circling the drain).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.

Sincerely,
Director of Human Resources

 

I Solved The Case Of The Missing Finger... WOOOHOOOO !!!

Stubby's Hubby/plaything's right hand has healed very nicely. The pointer finger that got cut off from the second knuckle by the table saw last month is still giving him phantom pain but he's getting used to it.

This past weekend he was telling me that he had a look at the "crime scene" and it looks like his story is blown. He said he remembered turning off the saw and to do that you have to lean down and flip the switch on the table. He said he must have laid his hand on the running blade...now that's the right hand mind you, as he bent sideways to turn the thing off. He was thinking, bet he got a headache from doing that, that maybe he was wrong at how it happened.  So he brought out the table saw and called me outside to come help figure it out.

It still had the piece of wood he was cutting in the saw blade and a nasty spray of dried blood off to the side. Well I don't watch any CSI programs on TV. But I can tell you from what he told me that right away he was not standing on the side of the machine like he said he was. The trajectory of the blood was all wrong if he was standing where he said he was. Another thing if he bent down to turn off the machine from the place he said he was standing then he would have cut the left hand instead of the right. SO... he was standing on the wrong side ...meaning the dangerous side of the table saw when it happened. Norm from This Old House is gonna kick his ass for not following shop safety. See you next week folks...same Bat Time, same Bat Channel. Case closed.

But NOOOoooooo. He had to keep calling me back telling me he would never work on that side of the saw. It's impossible. You just can't work from that side... yadda yadda yadda. I told him he was wrong the evidence proves it. Geeeezz!!! Get a grip!! It's over.  You lost your finger. So get on with your life. Just paint a face on little stubby and go play already!!!

I Love Things That Go BANG!!!

Calgary Has a Gang Problem Too...Just like Us

It's gangs like these that the people of Calgary have to put up with..

A bit different from the problems in other cities...

It proves that every City has their own "unique" gang problems. They
roam the streets and yards night and day.

They hang out in even the best neighborhoods!

..and you CANNOT legally stop them.

Bringing You up to Speed

I'm up and around. Well, a little bit. I have to get some laundry done today or David will have to go to work tomorrow bare balled. I have had him posting some of my stuff from emails that I picked for you my minions. I'm hoping you were somewhat entertained while I was recovering.

This last episode from the Surgical Center on my back was 3 hours long not 2 like I thought. David said I was half out of it when I came out into recovery. I don't remember much except a few painful moments when Dr. Miller killed the nerves. Now that is painful. I thought my legs were going to fall off. My left leg still hurts a bit but it's getting better. I'm alternating with heat and ice to make it a faster recovery but my back has better ideas. I'm optimistic ... I think this will be my last time doing this and I'll be pain free within the next 4 weeks.

Otherwise, I've been keeping myself busy reading all your wonderful blogs, my dear minions. You are all very entertaining writers and very talented. It makes me wonder why some of you aren't writing for magazines or newspapers. What a waste. So much talent. I am so jealous. Well I'm going back to the ol' heating pad for a while. I may post from time to time but most of my crap will be from emails ... sorry. I just can't spend that much time at the desk as I want.

Ciao
xoxoxoxox

All Nurses Go To Heaven

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patient is too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven
... for five days!"

How to Sing The Blues

• Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning."
• "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as "I got a good woman-with the meanest dog in town."
• Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds."
• The blues are not about limitless choices.
• Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
• Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
• You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
• The following colors do not belong in the blues:
  
  • violet
  • beige
  • mauve
  • taupe
  • peach
• You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.
• Good places for the Blues:
  
  • the highway
  • the jail house
  • an empty bed
• Bad places for the Blues:
  
  • K mart
  • Gallery openings
  • weekends in the Hamptons
• No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
• Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
• your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
• you're blind
• you shot a man in Memphis
• you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
• you were once blind but now can see
• you're deaf
• you have a trust fund
• Julio Iglesias, Barbara Streisand, and Michael Bolton can never sing the blues. Ever. Ever.
• If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
• malt liquor
• Irish whiskey
• muddy water
• one bourbon, one scotch and one beer
• Blues beverages are NOT:
• Any mixed drink
• Any kosher Passover wine
• Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
• If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a lightning strike while on the phone to the Psychic Friends Network.
• Some Blues names for Women:
• Sadie
• Big Mama
• Bessie
• Ida Red
• Some Blues Names for Men:
• Joe
• Willie
• Junior
• Lightning
• Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
• Other Blues Names: (A Mix and Match Starter Kit)
• Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Crippled, Asthmatic)
• First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)
• Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Now you're ready to sing the blues!

More Deep Thoughts

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your   computer's history if you die.     Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.     There is great need for a sarcasm font.     How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?     Was learning cursive really necessary?     Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.     Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.  I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.     Bad decisions make good stories. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.     Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection again.     I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.        "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever --.     I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and then goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?     I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.     I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.     I think the freezer deserves a light as well as the fridge…

Diary of a Smoker Quitting

Well, my dear minions, I went through the shots yesterday morning. However much it hurt, I still think this shit is worth it. It's better then going through surgery. Today I'm feeling like crap cause I'm sore as hell. Dr. Miller hit both sides of my spine and killed the nerves but good this time. I was up and walking after the twilight wore off...hardly remembering what the hell happened. David said I was really woosier then the first time they did this. I really don't remember coming home ...in fact this morning I thought it was part of yesterday. That Twilight shit will mess you up!!!
Anywho, I am still sore on the lower back from the 4 needle entry sites. I'll still be out the rest of today and back tomorrow, I hope. Until then This blog entry is from an email for a friend from work who is trying to quit smoking. I quit cold turkey and haven't craved one since. I keep telling him it's hard to do for many people but if you get it in your mind you can do it.

Day One: Shit.

Day One again only the next day:
Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches,
which remind me of cigarettes.
Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.
Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him.
Walk by computer and wave occasionally.
Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area.
It's about four-o' clock now;
I could have just one, I could have just one,
I could have just one.
That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me;
'he' could be a chick, but frankly,
right now, I don't frigging care.
Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation.
Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

Day two, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual.
Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.
Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall.
Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist my system flush poison."
Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies.
Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.

Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip.
Clean closets. Nothing new in mail.
Did all laundry out of necessity - body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
Put in extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)
Decide to take walk.
Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet.
She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.

Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping.
Feed rest down garbage disposal.

Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair.

Day 4: Receive visitor.
Police looking for missing mail carrier - received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person.
Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit.
Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate.
Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes.
Burst in to tears.
Confess.

Day 472:
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. (Federal crime.)

Day 478:
Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade.
Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.

Day 552:
Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked.
Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots.
Decide husband will live as price too steep.

Day 558:
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
Feel better.

Day 691:
Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last moments.
Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
Request one last smoke.
Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in.
Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh.
Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric.
Warden enters cell excitedly;
Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal. 

Day 1: Shit.

Watering

Since I won't be alive for 3 or 4 days this week I thought I'd write a few blog entries to keep you happy, my minions. I'm trying to get things done right now and one of those things is watering the yard. I should call it watering me and the house but whatever.

I was trying to set up the sprinkler on the side of the house. It's one of those cast iron buggers that takes a forklift to move it around the place. It moves along the hose as a guide and looks like a farm tractor for gnomes with a whirligig on top. I call it the tractor copter. It's a bitch to set up and I hate it. I'm thinking I could make that monster into a really nice garden ornament...just rip that whirligig sucker off the top first.

Anywho I got fed up with the monster tractor and went to "David's Shed". I really don't go into that little barn cause it's "His Place". I got the keys and opened 'er up. There was this blinding light and blaring music from angels singing like the gates of heaven just opened. I was just standing there, shielding my eyes and ears, wondering when did I die. Jeeeze Louise !!! It looked a whole lot bigger inside than out, and the Man Stuff... it was hanging everywhere. I think he bought out everything in Home Desperate Depot or owns 60% of the stock cause the whole damned store was inside there. So I started rummaging around after the music died down and I found another sprinkler. This was the one he bought last month. I had asked him to go to Walmart to get another little sprinkler cause the old little whirligig broke and I hated standing outside watering by hand. He went to Home Desperate Depot instead.

This was the "Industrial sized, unsissyfied, watering sprinkler that has 6 watering settings and can water the whole yard ...both sides of the house mind you, by shooting water over the roof and get the job done in less than an hour" watering sprinkler. How bout that sports fans!!! I can hear the crowd cheering loudly. Anyways, I walked out of 'David's Shed" with the sprinkler and got it hooked up to the hose.

Now this sucker has like all these crazy doodads on the sides of it for water strength...one looked like it could set the water to knock flesh off your arm at 50 feet. There was another for the side to side motion and one for what looked like circular motion. I gave up and set them all to the right, lets turn on the water to see what this sucker can do. Well I turned on the water and it started spinning, and dancing, and shaking, and you name it, it was even having conniptions. I was completely dripping with water cause it had found it's way over to me. I was crazy pissed cause David had gone and bought another psycholunatic sprinkler from Hell. I reset 2 of the settings and it stopped dancing but was shooting water at the kids across the street...much to their delight. I turned it off and reset 2 more switches and turned it on again. It watered the inside of my car. Turned it off and moved my car to the other side of the house where it would be safer. Reset one more switch and presto change-o. It started watering the lawn and garden like I had wanted. Now I am sitting in my nice plastic Adirondack (because I refuse to let David finish making the wooden one and lose another finger while doing it) chair and drinking my watered down cold coffee with water dripping off my hair. I won't go inside until I'm finished with the watering. I'm going to have to dry off in the sun for a while after wards. I also need to talk to David about that music in the shed.

Got my Appointment and Other Ramblings

Hey minions!!! I got the call yesterday for my next injection appointment at the Surgical Center. It's tomorrow morning at 08:15. WooooHooooo !!!!! I am so damned happy right now. Sorry, but I guess if you don't go through this type of pain you wouldn't know my happiness. It's like a godsend for me. I'm not sure how many I will have to go through but it is SO worth it.  I'll need to do a few things around the house today cause I'll be flat on my back for the next few days. I also need to make a few meals for David. Otherwise the man gets "takeout" and I'm trying to break him of that habit.

I got the coolest thing in the mail yesterday too. I finally received my Patchouli plant I ordered. It is so fragrant. OMG!!!! I love it, Love it, Love it !!!  I have it sitting on my front porch so that when I go out to sit in the morning the smell just smacks me in the face. Well that and my coffee. David hates my coffee cause I make it so strong that it can crawl out of the cup. It has a life all it's own. He said he was going to start charging it rent.

Shit, that's not the only vice I truly enjoy. He hates when I make anything with jalapenos. I loves the hot stuff. He hates kissing me after I eat them raw cause he gets burning lips. ahahahahahaa I really love hot Texmex, Chinese, and Tai food. The hotter the better. I will eat my food while it's still steaming hot too. I also love hot steaming showers. He sits and shakes his head all the time. I just tell him Hell was full so I came back.

Lucy, my little Boston, has been so clingy lately. She has been sitting by my feet and follows me like a shadow. when the mailman came by yesterday to bring my package and mail, she refused to go to him. She never does that. He takes her on his mail run around the neighborhood if she's out with me. She loves him so much. I don't know what's up but I hope to find out soon. Well my dear minions, I must go and get started on my day. See you in a few. Brightest Blessings
xoxoxoxoxox

Bringing up to Speed

Hello my minions. Almost back to normal again. But I know that's totally impossible cause I'm crazy, right? Well I had a nice quiet weekend lying in bed. Our neighbors went to the coast for a fishing trip so there was no loud rap music to listen to from next door. I had to get up only once to instruct David on what limbs I wanted cut from the Empress tree. Otherwise I medicated myself and slept. I am currently waiting on a phone call for my next appointment for another pain shot. So my beloved minions if you will excuse me I will be medicating myself once more and go to sleep on the heating pad for another 24 hours.
Ciao
xoxoxoxoxoxox

Blessed Be

As I light the candles on this day to give thanks for my many blessings, I will pray for our men and women who are in the battlefields far from home. I will give thanks that they give their lives so that we can be safe at home with our loved ones in a free country that lets us practice the faith of our choice and not by the choice of others. That we live in a country of bountiful gifts from the God and Goddess. That we are able to be wealthy in our health, wisdom, and means to live happily as we so choose without persecution. I will give thanks for my family and friends as they break bread with me on this Lammas. May you all have a Happy Holiday and may the light of the Goddess and the God shine on you and yours. Blessed Be.