How to Sing The Blues

• Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning."
• "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as "I got a good woman-with the meanest dog in town."
• Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds."
• The blues are not about limitless choices.
• Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
• Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
• You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
• The following colors do not belong in the blues:
  
  • violet
  • beige
  • mauve
  • taupe
  • peach
• You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.
• Good places for the Blues:
  
  • the highway
  • the jail house
  • an empty bed
• Bad places for the Blues:
  
  • K mart
  • Gallery openings
  • weekends in the Hamptons
• No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
• Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
• your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
• you're blind
• you shot a man in Memphis
• you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
• you were once blind but now can see
• you're deaf
• you have a trust fund
• Julio Iglesias, Barbara Streisand, and Michael Bolton can never sing the blues. Ever. Ever.
• If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
• malt liquor
• Irish whiskey
• muddy water
• one bourbon, one scotch and one beer
• Blues beverages are NOT:
• Any mixed drink
• Any kosher Passover wine
• Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
• If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a lightning strike while on the phone to the Psychic Friends Network.
• Some Blues names for Women:
• Sadie
• Big Mama
• Bessie
• Ida Red
• Some Blues Names for Men:
• Joe
• Willie
• Junior
• Lightning
• Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
• Other Blues Names: (A Mix and Match Starter Kit)
• Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Crippled, Asthmatic)
• First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)
• Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Now you're ready to sing the blues!