Maxin And Relaxin

I have done nothing all day yesterday and today, well except for the dancing around the house, yeah done nothing. Yeah I'm bored and I miss him, so what.

I did clean house a bit and do laundry cause David is taking me to dinner on Sunday. I hope he takes me to Saltgrass. That's my favorite place.

Redneck  wine glasses

elite Redneck  champagne glasses 4oz.

This morning I was bored so I decided to cruise the web and look for crazy shit. I found this. They are Redneck wine glasses. I loved them so much that I ordered a set of six. I also found the champagne glasses too. David better hurry and come back home before I buy up the whole web. You can find them on Amazon.com.  Goddess, I love shopping there.

David's Gone On His Fishing Trip Tra La La La La La - YES!!!

BWAAAHAAHAAHAHAHAAA!!  I AM THE QUEEN OF MY DOMAIN!!

At least for two days, until David returns. Yes he finally left this morning at 5:15 am. The man was ready to go at 4am when he got up. He's so fucking anal. The whole time while he was waiting for Richie, Potsie, and The Fonz to get here he was organizing and reorganizing and asking me if or what if he missed a phone call. Rechecking all his voice mails. The man never gets rid of any of his voice mails and personally I don't think he knows how.

Anywho he was in the middle of listening to a VM from his daughter from 2 years ago when the guys pulled up and he was all a giddy and shit. Thank you Goddess!! I didn't think I could take anymore damned whining from the puppies. They wanted to go back to sleep and were tired from all David's commotion.

On another note the boys should have a wonderful time fighting mosquitoes, alligators and sharks as they fish for Reds off of  Port Aransas. Tropical Storm Don is still on a drunken teeter towards Mexico or Brownsville Texas. It's a toss up and who the fuck cares cause we won't be getting any rain anyways.

I'm Back, My Minions

Yeppers, a one and a half week hiatus does wonders for the fucked up crazy minded like me. I had a great time just lounging around and then my Bro and his wife K and my niece J came out to see us and we went out to eat and kill some time and I wanted to kill David the whole time but that's slated for tomorrow's blog entry. Sure to be a pleaser for all you husband haters out there.

The reason why I'm on my blog today instead of on Monday next week is because David got word from one of his best buds /old grade school  let's get into more fucking trouble than we can legally get out of  mates on the phone on Tuesday. Rick, his bestest friend in the whole world, whom they shared divorces together and said neither one would ever get married again, and to which they both met the right women, one being me, and they both got married again, asked David if he could go fishing this Thursday thru Saturday. David said it was up to the wife (me) and that he would have to come and ask, sorry, BEG my permission.

So Richie Rich came over to the house and got down on his knees, I should have taken a picture of this scene or even video would have been better so I could show it to his wife Beth. Anywho, he begs me in a whiny little boy's voice - yes, really he did - if David could come fishing with him and the guys. To which I replied Hell no, not without a fucking note. But he knew I was playing as usual, called me a bitch and hugged me. I'm easy, what can I say. Besides, I get some me time for two days.

So now David is packing and unpacking and packing again. I'm repacking his bag, taking out the pink ball gown and tiara and the negligee and black bras putting all the right stuff for the fishing trip, and all the while David is playing with his reel and winding new fishing line on it over and over again each time and I'm thinking to myself that the first time he casts that sucker it'll get into a tangled mess. Yes, I'm a morbid bitch and I fucking like it.

David is all a giddy cause it's his first fishing trip of the year in like two years. Only TS Don is coming along for the fun too. Yeppers, The boys are watching to see if Don doesn't just go South to Mexico and let them have their fun. And all the while I'm praying to the Goddess for a whopper of a rain storm that the Texas farmers need so very badly. Last check was Don in a drunken wobble to Mexico. Crap on toast! I never get a break.

Come Visit At Your Own Peril

Yeah it's fuckin hotter' en hell here but what can I say. We are closer in proximity to Hell than any other state. Our State bird is the Fufu Bird. It flies backwards to put it's tail feathers out.

Kitchen Dungeon Update

Okay the following is part of the renovation that is going on right now. David tore off the Dark ( I felt as if I was being sent to the hole to cook every day) Dungeon paneling and I took these pictures to show how fucking old and dark our house is.

Wooden wall after the dark paneling  was taken off. Some of the wallpaper that was under the paneling and the french door to the dining room on the left.

You can see that this house was made in the 1930's  or 40's.  They didn't have drywall back then so they had to put up wooden planks. These suckers are about 1/2 inch thick. I was just thinking with wood prices today and how much it would have cost to make this house just like this with the wood walls. It would probably be $400K

More of that lovely sea green wallpaper {gag}. Note part of the back door here too.

Lucy is David's foreman. She is wondering when he will take up the nasty flooring too.

All the paneling David took off The wall. I told him if He accidentally kills my Patchouli , the plant on the porch on the left, then he will go missing another finger.The two trash can looking things are my water savers for rain water for my house plants. David rigged a small white hose to go from the rain gutter into a hole in the center of the top of the can. He cut a plastic screens for the top of the cans so the debris from the gutters wouldn't fall into the rain water. Cool deal!

This is an idea of the nasty paneling (pictured on the top) that made my kitchen so fucking dark. Note the fugly cabinet fronts, hinges and pull knobs.

More of the paneling and the teensy tiny window I have above the sink.  I told David  a few  years ago that if he put bars up on the kitchen window then it would really bring out the dungeony feel of this kitchen. I do have to say the creepy florescent lighting along the cabinet tops helps bring a homely touch to the dungeon.

We are going to be taking all this crappy shit off the front of the cabinets and paint them. Also new knobs and such. This shit has made me crazy from day one when I moved in. Aaah yes my new stove. I love it! Yes I'm easy.

You can see how tiny the kitchen is by putting some of the pictures together.  Note the puke yellow sink.  David is letting me get  a farmhouse style stainless steel sink.  THANK YOU GODDESS!!  I'm easy, so fucking what!

Friday Funnies

 DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?

BUBBA, A REDNECK FROM CAROLINA DECIDES TO TRAVEL TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB.

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY. THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED. HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR.

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK,
242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, A MANAGING SUPERVISOR STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE."

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "WHAT AN IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE SUPERVISOR AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

BUBBA LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

Quick Notes

I went and did it again. I fucked up my back while cleaning house. Yeppers, I was mopping and the like and all of a sudden *POP*!!  Shit! It felt like my spine fell out of my body. It just fell and my legs gave out and I had to use the mop to help me hobble to a chair.

Now that was a de ja vu  moment. It reminded me of my ER visit and my back popped the same way there in the waiting room and I screamed from the pain. A bone spur had broken off and lodged under a nerve. I'm just very thankful that I have the drugs to kill the pain right now. I'll be calling my doctor when I finish here to see what he wants me to do. Other than that I am  just waiting around. The Gabapentin and Hydrocodone kicked in minutes ago.

As you all know I took off the email that Linda had sent me. I emailed her and she asked me to take it off my blog because of problems. I am sorry Linda, my friend. I will still say prayers and light my candles for you and yours.

Oh, I will be away from the blogging world all the next two weeks. My brother is coming to visit and then David and I are taking the puppies to the coast for a week. So I will be out officially on vacation my minions.

Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. 
Half way through the semester, having foolishly 
squandered all his money ..... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education 
is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue 
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says 
"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, 
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you 
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results 
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue 
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." 
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog 
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father 
is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read 
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday 
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was 
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading 
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy 
still messing around with that little redhead who lives 
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in 
Washington D.C. as a Congressman..

How To Immobilize Your Cat

Mmkay!! I wonder if it works on dogs so I can cut their nails without a fight.

The Crazy Witch's Daybook

My mood :    I should make this my usual mood since I seem to be  zobified all the time after the weekend. Oh Fuckit!! Who am I kidding. I feel like this all the time. Lately all I want to do is sleep too. I can't seem to shake this shit and I don't want to tell my doctor cause he'll put me on yet another pill of some sort. I'm thinking it's the weather cause I seem to be this way when it get's hot.

What's happening at Casa de Loco: Nothing right now. I just got back from taking the puppies on "an adventure" Yeppers, their idea of "an adventure" at least. I take them out for a little ride in the car around the block. If by chance I decide to let them out at the dog park one day when no one is there, it would blow their little doggie minds. Right now they are all outside chasing squirrels while the temp is in the low 80's.

David and I had a bit of fun with ice cream. No, nothing kinky, so get your minds out of the damned gutter. He found an old ice cream maker from a long time ago when his daughter was little. So he cleaned it up and we went on the web and found a few vanilla ice cream recipes to try. None of them tasted good. We even tried store bought ice cream starter in a box but it was yucky. So David is going to see what his co-worker/friend's recipe for ice cream is.

David is back to work, thank the goddess. He pretty much behaved himself and let me alone. He remembered to turn down the sound during Jerry Springer and Maury. I don't understand how an educated man, that he is, can watch this trash TV.  How can he stand this shit? It's so scripted cause half the time these people don't know what the fuck they're saying and then that stupid bell rings for the fight to begin just like Pavlov's dogs they mindlessly go at each other. It's completely mind numbing.

Anywho, David also did a few things to make himself usefull. Let's see, he put new brake pads on my car, only the front. I stayed outside to watch so he wouldn't cut my brake lines. He finally moved some of the rocks that he stupidly bought without asking me  to the other side of the house and put them where I wanted them because the Bitch's cats from across the street keep using  the side garden for their litter box.

I have been fighting back by slinging the cat shit back into her yard with a small shovel. That bitch was told by the city that she can't have cats anymore because she won't have them spayed or neutered. But yet she went and put collars on two of them that she keeps hiding in her house when the Animal Control comes around. AC can't pick up the cats if they have tags. But the tags belonged to her dogs and the AC don't know that. This woman knows how to get around the rules. But I plan on calling AC later today to report her because she let a stray momma cat have kittens in her house and now the cat is preggers again.

In regards to my fat fluffy ass: I did gain about 3 pounds with the ice cream. Not too happy about that. I've been doing my back exorcises religiously every morning and night to get my back into good working order. Only one problem. Last night while I was doing dishes, My lower back popped for no reason and it hurt like a sonofabitch too. It felt like I popped another bone spur. Been hurting ever since. I really need to go lay down for a bit and I will in due time.

What I'm reading: Well everyone's blogs, that's what. Brandon over at My Own Private Idaho is a laugh. You Have to check him out. He's having problems with the hicks in Utah. David has dealt with them too. He had to visit for an audit at one of the Plants he deals with on a daily basis.

What I need to do today: Well wash clothes cause I didn't do it Saturday. And then Sunday we went on a road trip. So I will be doing house work and then maybe I can lay down for a bit before dinner.

Fun With Tarot Cards

I was reading some of my favorite blogs this morning and I chanced to drop by Diandra's blog That Witch Is True. Have some fun today my minions, and see what Tarot card represents you. It's easy and the link is below.

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, 

beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home 
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Movie Meme

I sometimes hate doing Memes but this one caught my eye at Southern Discomfort. Mejis's blog is one of my favorites that I look for each day. I fucking love this woman!

Name a movie you have seen more than 10 times: Practical Magic

Name a movie you have seen multiple times in the cinema: Star Wars

Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a film: I have several ... Will Smith, Adam Sandler, Johnny Depp, Cameron Diaz, Annie Hathaway, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon and Uma Thurman

Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a film: Tom Cruise, Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell

Name a film that you can and do quote from:  Monty Python and The Holy Grail.  "She turned me into a newt! 

- A newt? - I got better...”

Name a film musical that you know all of the lyrics to and all of the songs: I hate musicals but Rocky Horror Picture Show was fun.

Name a film that you would recommend everyone to see: Devil Wears Prada

Ever walked out of a film? Yes, Blair Witch Project. It was totally stupid.

Name a film that made you cry in the cinema: Marley & Me. When Marley died I lost it.

Popcorn? Yes. David and I usually share a medium sized popcorn and we also get Cokes.

How often to you go to the cinema? It's very rare for us to go to a movie but when we go it's usually a damned good one.

What's your favorite/preferred genre of film? Comedy or action type film.

What's the first film you remember seeing at the cinema? Bambi, I was 8 years old.

What film do you wish you had never seen? The Fast and The Furious

If you could be any character portrayed in a movie, who would you be? Princess Victoria in Young Victoria

Total number of films you own on DVD and video: About 70 or 80 Not sure cause most are in plastic containers in the media room closet.

Last film you bought: Young Victoria

Last film you watched: Legally Blonde

Five films that mean a lot to you: Practical Magic, Legally Blonde, Marley & Me, The Bone Collector,  and all the Harry Potter movies.

What I've Been Up To

Sorry I have been MIA for this past week but having the hubster home and driving me up the fucking wall all week is taking up all my damned time. Well that and doing house work and cleaning up after him and the puppies.  Then  going with him on little road trips to New Braunfels to find his favorite Summer Sausage and giving him directions on driving through town even though he has lived in this part of Texas all his fucking life and still has no idea how to get around in NB. Having him yell at me in the car when he takes the wrong turn. Shooting his silly ass because he was yelling at me because he wasn't paying attention when I told him to take a right turn at this next light, etc...etc...etc.

I can say one good thing. I haven't had to call 911 yet to report that I need an ambulance because he repeatedly ran backwards into the knife I was holding behind him. Nine times. That's right, I've been restraining myself from becoming a widow. Besides I'd look tacky in black from head to toe.


On the other great side. He has been letting me sleep as late as I want. I feel like a lazy rich bitch. But hey,  I'm still having trouble getting to sleep at all at night. He knows how bad it is for me and I love him to death for his understanding. The Fibro is kicking my fluffy fat ass.  The only thing kicking Fibro's butt is my Gabapentin and Hydrocodone. Thank the Goddess for great drugs.

I did get him to finish some shit that I have wanted him to do outside that he has been passing up. I think it's because I ask him to do this or that.  So I have to turn the tables so to speak and use reversed psychology on him. If I can make him think he came up with the idea then he goes fucking hog shit wild on doing chores I needed him to do. Whatever lights his farts, ya know.

One thing I got David to do was paint the inside of the cabinet under the sink. I wanted to show him how much brighter it would look. Also to get him to think about refinishing the outsides of the cabinets, sanding them down  and painting them and replacing the hardware. Just to make it brighter. That kitchen is so fucking dark and dreary. Whoever thought of putting up dark brown fake paneling in a kitchen should be tied spread eagled to steaks on a fire ant hill and smeared with honey. Must have been an unmarried man.

Anywho, David thought about it and finally agreed with me. Fuck a duck! I need to somehow get him to think about recessed lighting with LEDs and chuck that fucking ceiling fan in there. I hate that thing and it was a stupid idea to put it in there. The only things we will need to buy for the kitchen makeover is the LED lighting, paint, shelf paper, glass tiles for the back splash, the concrete counter top, cabinet hardware, and the flooring. We are going to save about $10 or $15 grand because we have already new appliances and we will be doing this all ourselves. Just like we did the rest of the house. Hopefully this makeover won't take two years to complete.

Happy 4th Of July

Friday Funny

Mmkay, I have something to make y'alls day and possibly the weekend. Just follow the instructions below. You are gonna laugh your ass off on this one. I did. Then I sent it to some friends.